


Ready for Love

by MusicalNerd97



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Goth!Castiel, High School AU, Jock!Dean, M/M, Self Harm, Suicide, Underage Drinking, homophobic!john, rebellious teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-31
Updated: 2015-04-19
Packaged: 2018-03-04 11:43:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 23
Words: 52,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3066620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MusicalNerd97/pseuds/MusicalNerd97
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel is a Goth kid who is in love with his brother's best friend, Dean Winchester. Castiel's past is warded with pain and let downs but when Dean begins to show an interest in him he thinks that maybe his life is looking up. The only problem being Dean has his own issues, with his strict father.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The major character death may change, depending how evil I feel when I finish this. This is one I wrote to my friend for Christmas, changed drastically but the main plot line was for her. So, posting with permission from her :) 
> 
> *Disclaimer* I own nothing but the story line

Cas stared at his form in the mirror with disgust. His face was clear of any makeup for once and his hair was flat against his head. Cas hated his appearance without his heavy black eyeliner and the gel he usually put in his hair. His hair would be spiked so much it wouldn’t move in the wind because of how stiff he made it, sometimes it would fall into his eyes and he had to brush it out of the way. Yes, he needed to get ready now, his daily stare down with himself was over and he could become the person he was used to seeing in the mirror.   
  
Pulling open the drawer below him, he opened his eyeliner and began to drag a dark line across his top eyelid. Then he lightly did the bottom one. He repeated the process with the second one. Placing the liner on the counter he took the bottle of gel and squeezed the cool liquid into his palm. He began to drag it through his soft thick hair, it was a little coarse now from having gel in it twenty- four seven. Cas spiked it up, making sure it would stay in the positions he put it in.   
  
When he finished he regarded himself with a little more liking, not enough to smile at himself though. He put on his spiked collar and tried to stand up a little straighter. As usual his attire was entirely black. All the way from his shoes to his black as night hair, all except his skin and too blue eyes that is. He hated them, his eyes; they attracted way too much attention and were much too big and bright.   
  
Heaving a huge sigh he ducked his head and made his way down the stairs into the kitchen where the rest of his family sat. His little sister Jo, who was munching on a toasted pop tart and reading a novel; Gabriel who was lounging on the couch with that smirk as if he knew something the world didn’t, his brother Balthazar was right beside him. Cas could hear his mom humming from the kitchen and his dad was sitting at his desk in the living room, ruffling that brown hair of his. He was probably stressing about some new novel he was writing. He was the reason Jo read so much, she wanted to be just like Dad.   
  
Castiel rolled his eyes at all of them and walked into the kitchen. His mom smiled at him and said good morning but Cas ignored her and grabbed himself a bowl of cereal. He didn’t care if he was being rude; no one really cared about him in this household anyway. Leaving the kitchen he sat at the table with Jo who looked up as he sat down.   
  
She grinned at him and said in a teasing tone “Who died?”   
  
He rolled his eyes again; she was always going on about how his fashion choice was like he was going to a funeral every day. She said he needed a new wardrobe but he didn’t care about her opinions. She was always wearing a red checkered shirt and a pair of light tight fitted jeans. Not really the best fashion statement either in his opinion, of course no one asked him though so it didn’t really matter. “Shut up Jo.”   
  
Jo put down her book and put her chin on her palms. She sat quietly for a few minutes watching him eat before continuing with “You know, usually it’s only _girls_ who wear makeup.”   
  
“I said shut up!” Cas growled, he stood up and brought his bowl back to the sink. He then began to pull on his black combat boots and searched the closet for his black trench coat. He was going to leave for school, even if he would get there a half hour early. Castiel was sick of his family already and wanted to get out of there as fast as he could.   
  
“Ellen? Honey do you have a moment to read this over?” He heard his father call from the living room. His dad was always asking his mom to read over his work, she had always been really good in school but then decided running a bar was more her thing. She ran the best bar in town and everyone knew it. A lot of people asked him if he could get the free booze. Cas knew he probably could and that it would get him in with the popular kids, maybe even earn him a few friends! God knew he would be in the group Dean Winchester was in! He never did though; he wouldn’t sink to that level.   
  
Shouldering his bag he left the house, slamming the door tightly behind him for good measure and ignoring the calls of his mom for him to come back and began the trudge toward the bus stop. There were leaves on the ground and a crisp wind bit at his nose from the cool November air. It would be December soon and that meant cold snow and another Christmas all alone surrounded by fucking couples cuddling to keep warm.   
  
“CAS! CASTIEL! WAIT UP BRO!” A loud voice called to him, he recognized the loud cat calling tone of his brother Gabriel. Trying not to speed up, Cas slowed his pace and turned around to face his brother. As he turned he discovered it wasn’t just Gabriel but that Balthazar was running toward him as well.   
  
Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if his brothers joined him on his walk to the bus stop. After all, if he was lucky Dean would come along and walk with them. His brothers were, after all, two of his closest friends on the football team. Dean was over at his house a lot and so Cas was able to see him when he wanted to. Sure he never really talked to Dean except to say hi and exchange a few more words just to be polite but Cas had had a crush on him for as long as he could remember knowing him. Dean was perfect in every way possible but Cas knew he would never look at him twice. He just wouldn’t do it.   
  
The two of them caught up to him and Gabriel exhaled happily “Mind if we join you? We need to make sure no one bothers you bro, you never know what asshole might be lurking just around the corner.”   
  
Castiel shrugged “Yeah sure, whatever you want to do.”   
  
Balthazar grinned and smacked his little brother on the back “Thanks dear brother, you know how much we worry about you. Dressing like this and all, you could be doing so much more with your life, yet you choose to look dead all the time.” He wrapped his arm around Cas’s shoulder and gave a confused smile. “Why is that Cas?”   
  
Cas shrugged “Thanks for your concern Balthazar.” He allowed himself to be led toward the bus stop and inconspicuously searched around for Dean. Gabriel walked on his other side, staring at him with that infuriating secret smile he always had plastered on his lips.   
  
It was more than Cas could bear, by the time they reached the stop all he wanted to do was be alone with his thoughts. Was that too much to ask for?   
  
“Dean!” Gabriel called, waving his arms rapidly for the taller boy to come over.   
  
Castiel’s head shot up as he heard his brother calling; from across the crowd he saw Dean’s head and saw it begin to move closer and closer toward him. Beside him he saw Dean’s little brother and that other boy Kevin. Sam and Kevin were best friends from what Cas could figure and Cas envied the boy for being so close to the Winchester family.   
  
Dean grinned at the group and gave a shoulder hug to each of his brothers. Cas almost wanted Dean to do the same for him but he kept his mouth shut and face vacant. He couldn’t show any of the emotions he was feeling in that moment. Much to his surprise though, Dean looked at Cas. He had to look down the slightest since he was good foot taller than Cas but still, he looked him right in the eye. “How you doing there Cas?”   
  
“Okay.” Cas muttered softly “What about yourself?”   
  
“Not bad, not bad.” Dean smiled at him and said in a hushed tone “Much better now.” He winked at Castiel before turning back to his brothers and turning the conversation into one about sports.   
  
Cas blinked and tried to comprehend what had just happened. Had Dean really just winked at him? Had he insinuated that his day was now better because he was standing here with him and his brothers? Was Cas simply reading into all this and making himself into a fool around this gorgeous boy yet again?   
  
Most likely.   
  
He zoned out of the conversation and watched for the bus. He wanted to get to school now and forget about the morning. Dean would never be interested in him and he was just wasting his goddamn time waiting around for him.  
  
The bus came to stop in front of them and Gabriel prodded him forward, trying to make him move. Cas shook himself out of his daze and followed his brothers and Dean onto the bus. It wasn’t as squishy as usual since they were one of the few people from school on it. Most people took the later one because they preferred to sleep in or hang around their house later. No one ever really wanted to go to school.   
  
 They rolled up to the stop that was a block away from their school and about half of the people on it got off. Cas watched it roll away and wished he could sit on it to the end and just ride the buses to the ends of the universe. What would it be like to get away? To be free to make his own choices and not live with people who judged his every action? Castiel could only assume he would never know.   
  
A hand on his shoulder brought him out of his spell. He looked at it and blinked at how big and perfect it was. He glanced up at the face and almost flinched away at seeing Dean’s face to greet him. He grinned down at Cas and said “What’re you think so hard about there Cas?”   
  
Cas shrugged and mumbled “Just that I can’t wait to get into the real world and be on my own for once.”   
  
Dean stared at him in an intense manner; he nodded slowly and squeezed Cas’s shoulder “I know how you feel. Some days I just want to run away and never come back. I doubt anyone would notice and I could be free to do what I want. Live how I want and love who I want.”   
  
He wanted to ask what Dean meant by that but he was too shy. Plus, he didn’t want to seem like he was prying into Dean’s personal life. If he wanted to say more he would, he didn’t. Dean simply smiled down at Cas and then walked up to be with Balthazar and Gabriel. Cas stood there for a few moments in a state of confusion. He shook his head and then ran up to catch up with the rest of the group.   
  
Another day at school, another day in hell to survive. He could do it… He hoped.   
  
“Hey guys, after school I need to go home right away. Dad wants me to do a few things around the house before I do anything else. Where can I meet you?” Dean asked grinning a little, and running his hand through his perfect hair.   
  
Cas’s breath caught as he watched him and he glanced back slightly to see Sam rolling his eyes at Kevin. He didn’t understand why, but then he wasn’t in on the conversation either. He was never in on a conversation ever. Cas was used to being the outcast on these walks. He didn’t ever complain about it, he liked being alone inside his own mind. Though sometimes, he would admit, it got kind of lonely and sad.   
  
Gabriel answered him “We’ll be at home if you want to swing by later.” He glanced at Cas and winked “We don’t do much, do we Cas?”   
  
He shook his head “No, we really don’t.” He said it a little louder so they could hear him. After he spoke he heard Dean give a small gasp and he turned around to look at Cas. His green eyes were dancing happily and Cas had to do his best not to run up and kiss those perfect pout like lips.   
  
“So he does speak!” Dean winked at him again “And with such a lovely voice too. You should talk more often Cas; you could fall asleep to a nice voice like yours.”   
  
Cas ducked his head to hide the blush that crept into his cheeks and let himself fall back a little so that Dean didn’t see his red cheeks. He stayed that distance until they reached the school, only then did he get a little closer and walked close behind them. He followed his brothers down the hall until he had to break off to go to his locker.   
  
His was on the main floor of the school over by the English hallway. Really inconvenient for him since his first class was all the way across the school on the bottom floor but at least he had a locker. Some people didn’t even have that due to the considerable lack of them.   
  
As he walked down the long hallway that was already beginning to be full of loud kids he spotted Dean, alone walking in his direction. Panic seized him and he considered ducking away and finding a different route to his class. He chastised himself, it was only Dean. Cas had known this kid since middle school and he had never shown any resentment or hatred toward him. No matter how he dressed or acted around him, rude or otherwise. Dean spotted him and gave a friendly wave before walking past him down the hall.   
  
Cas turned around on his spot and watched him disappear into one of the classrooms. He sighed heavily and continued on his way to his class. He was never going to impress Dean the way Dean did to him. He needed to let go of his crush on him. Nothing was ever going to happen, why couldn’t Castiel simply accept that fact and save himself the heartbreak? He had enough to worry about as it was.   


 


	2. Chapter 2

After school Cas left for the bus stop as soon as he could. He never lingered around waiting for his brothers; they usually had practice or hung around with their girlfriends. At least Balthazar did, he always had about ten girls around him at once. Cas wasn’t sure how he managed to do it but it never ceased to amaze him.   
  
Balthazar was the charmer out of the three of them that was for sure. Gabriel didn’t have many girls or boys for that matter flocking around him at once. He usually picked one person and stuck with them. He’d been dating this one nice girl for awhile although Cas had never really asked much about her. He wasn’t even sure what her name was. Perhaps that was rude of him but frankly he didn’t care much for his brother’s love lives. For all he knew, Gabriel could have dumped her by now and he’d never know.  
  
He waited around the stop, leaning heavily against the pole and lifting his eyes up toward the sign. The air around him was nippy and he could feel the wind blow through him. His trench coat was unbuttoned and flapped around him like wings. His cheeks were a little numb and he sighed, wishing the bus would pull up already.

A hand fell on his shoulder and his jerked his head around to see Gabriel grinning there. “Hey there Cas, what’cha thinking about?”   
  
Cas shrugged and stood up straighter as the bus came around the corner. He looked around and saw Balthazar high tailing it quickly toward them. The bus stopped and Cas climbed on, flashing his bus pass at the driver. A small grin spread over his face as he saw Gabe yelling at his other brother to hurry is ass up. Balthazar shouted back some retort that Cas didn’t catch and climbed on with him, thanking the bus driver for waiting.   
  
The bus rumbled down the street and Cas took out his headphones, plugging them into his iPod and blanking out the rest of the world. He ignored his brothers and watched the world pass by slowly, it wasn’t very interesting. Cars rushed by with people bopping their heads to music or talking with the people in the passenger seat. It was the sort of scene you saw every day whenever taking the bus, the scene never changed.   
  
His stop came into view and Cas tugged on the cord, standing up while still ignoring the rest of the world. Once off the bus, he walked a little bit ahead of his brothers. He enjoyed the thrum of the music that pounded into his ears. It made the outside world disappear and he was suddenly in his own head and state of mind.   
  
A few moments later his headphones were wrenched from his ears and Gabriel yelled into one “Cas! Cas wait up! Why do you insist on walking so damn fast?”  
  
With a begrudging glare he shrugged away from him and crossed his arms “I like being alone.”   
  
Gabriel pulled his little brother against his side “Oh Cassie, you know I can’t let you do that. Not while we’re all around!” He chuckled and they continued on home like that. Balthazar came up behind them and walked quietly. Cas tried once to escape but his brother held him tight and he knew there was no way he was going to get out of there.   
  
When they reached the front door Gabriel leaned forward and opened it, while still keeping his arm around his brother. If anything, Cas had to admit that it was a little more warmth than he had before. His trench coat was good for a lot of things but warmth wasn’t always one of them. Inside the house was toasty and the scents of pasta and garlic bread filled the air. Dad had been cooking.   
  
“Smells great Dad!” Balthazar called from the front entrance. He pushed past his brothers and hurried into the kitchen, hoping for a sample before everyone else. This was his own daily routine; food was the only drug Balthy would ever take. Which, Cas supposed was a relief. He was a football player at the school and taking drugs would not benefit him at all.   
  
Gabriel glanced down at Cas and asked “You doing okay there Castiel?” He unwrapped his arm and pushed him forward gently toward the kitchen “You’ve been pretty quiet recently and I’ve been worried about you, kid.”   
  
Cas shrugged “I don’t know what to tell you Gabe. I just don’t have anything to say.”   
  
“Doesn’t really sound like you...” He replied, crossing his arms over his chest and following him into the warm and sweet smelling room “You used to never shut up and always had such lively ideas. What happened to that Cas uh?”   
  
“He grew up.” Cas shot back at him, pulling him out of whatever nostalgia road he was beginning to journey down.   
  
His brother didn’t say anything after that, he let him push past and grab a plate off the counter. Cas said a quick hello to his dad and then disappeared up the stairs into his room. He hardly ever ate with his family. He didn’t see the point in making useless conversation when he could be alone, doing homework. Okay, so homework wasn’t exactly correct. Most of the time he sat alone and thought about Dean. Today was no different, except for the fact that Dean seemed to be taking more of a notice to him.   
  
It was a new development and Cas could feel the hint of a smile passing over his lips. He wasn’t sure why his heart always beat faster around him or why he lived to see Dean smile but everything about him made him feel whole. Dean had been in his life for a long time now, sure they hadn’t ever been very close friends but Dean had always treated him with the highest respect and never ever made him feel less than him.   
  
Eating in silence, Cas dwelled on all these thoughts and wondered if there was any chance Dean could love him. The feelings Cas sheltered in his heart were those of love, he knew that but he would never admit it. Not to anyone, ever.   
  
“CAS! CAS come on down here Dad made chocolate cake!” He heard Gabriel scream excitedly from the bottom the staircase. A small smile spread over his lips and he shook his head. Of course Dad did, Mom worked long hours at the bar and so he had learnt to cook for his household of boys pretty damn fast. Michael and Lucifer had moved out last year, so now it was only the four of them. They came around every so often though not as much as Mom wanted them to he was sure.   
  
Sighing, but still with a smile on his face he left his room with his empty plate. Placing it in the sink he joined the rest of his family in the living room with a plate of chocolate cake. He could grace them with his presence for a little while.   
  
Jo sat with them as well at this point. Cas hadn’t seen her when he’d come in so he assumed she’d already been eating. They always ate dinner very early; Dad had to leave for his other job by five. Mom usually came home around midnight each night, yet she was always up in the morning to make them breakfast. Cas wasn’t sure how she did it but he really did appreciate it, even if he didn’t show it. As much as he felt like an outcast in this family he knew his family tried to make him feel a part of it. He just got really grumpy.  
  
They knew he’d been dealing with his own personal shit for the past few years. They helped when they could but none of them really knew what to say to make him feel better. Only his parents knew the gravity of his problems. They’d found the blade he kept under his bed and had made him talk. After that Cas had been on the route to recovery. He stayed distant but his parents knew that if something were up he’d be a lot more than distant. Cas knew they kept a close eye on him, but they still let him do his own thing and that was enough for him.  
  
They sat around talking and joking, even Cas put in a few words. It surprised his family a little but they didn’t comment on it. They only acted as if it were a regular occurrence. Cas’s grin brightened at this fact. Whether he realized it all the time or not, his family truly was one of the greatest to ever exist.   
  
The doorbell rang, bringing him out of his happy state into one of quizzical wonder. They never had anyone come over and visit them, not unannounced at least. Cas said he’d go get it and then walked calmly, if a little impatiently, over to the door. He unlocked the deadbolt and opened it, his face must’ve been a complete mask of surprise at who he found standing there. Dean, in all his glory, rubbed his thumb on his chin and looked Cas up and down with a grin “Hey there, you and your brothers want to come and have some fun?”   



	3. Chapter 3

Cas sputtered a little but was saved by his brothers coming through the door. He’d forgotten about Dean saying he was coming by later today. His brothers grinned at Dean and said they’d be right out. Dean stepped into the house with wide eyed admiration for his surroundings.  
  
Dean looked at the food in the kitchen and said “Smells amazing in here.” He glanced over at Cas’s dad “Did you cook all this Mr. Novak?”   
  
Dad grinned “Yeah, you’re welcome to have some if you’re hungry Dean.”   
  
Dean shook his head “Thanks but I ate before I came over. Mom made a great dinner, haven’t had one of those in awhile.” He shook his head with a laugh “I swear she works herself way too hard.”   
  
His dad smiled “Your mom is quite the worker. Your dad must be pretty proud of her eh?”   
  
“I guess so.” Dean answered slowly, a shadow of doubt and sadness passing over his face. Cas stared at his crush in concern, was Dean’s life not as wonderful as he made it out to be? Cas was sure he had secrets, he just hoped those secrets weren’t ones that were hurting him. That was the last thing Cas could ever want for this beautiful boy.   
  
Gabriel and Balthazar came back into the hallway with their winter coats on and big grins on their faces. When Dean saw them his face changed to match theirs perfectly. He gave them the half shoulder hug thing that Cas never understood. They started for the door when Dean stopped and turned to look at him “Aren’t you coming too Cas?”   
  
Cas blinked and looked at his brothers. They shrugged, looking a little bummed out but Gabriel still gave his little brother an encouraging smile. Cas shrugged and replied “Do you want me to?”   
  
Dean winked “Damn right I do.”   
  
With a small blush, Cas ducked his head and pulled on his black trench coat. He followed his brothers and Dean out into the cool night air. He called a goodbye to his dad and Jo, who was protesting about how she wasn’t allowed to go out whenever she wanted. He heard his dad begin to explain to her that she was only thirteen and therefore too young to go out whenever she wanted yet.   
  
A triumphant smile came over his lips and he followed behind with a sense of pride in himself. He was with Dean and seniors. He wasn’t alone for once, Dean actually wanted him there! Unlike most people on this earth who seemed to believe it would be a better place without him. Hell there were many times Cas felt the same way. He had many scars lining his wrists from times he had come so close to the calmness of death.  Never crossing the threshold but greeting it from afar.   
  
The smile that had graced his lips slowly disappeared and a frown replaced it. Why did he always think of  the saddest thing when he was happy? Why couldn’t he just let himself be happy for once? Would that really be so hard?    
  
The three of them came to one of the few bars in town. Clements. They made a point of not going to the one Cas’s mom ran. Sure it was the best one but they weren’t able to get beer at that one, his mom actually asked for ID. Plus she knew them and there was no way she’d serve her underage sons and their friend alcohol. Clements didn’t ask for ID, as long as you were able to pay they didn’t care. Of course you did have to be at least 17. So Cas wouldn’t be able to drink but they served pop and food as well and honestly to him that was better than getting drunk.   
  
They walked into the bar and Dean gave a friendly wave to the bartender, Uriel. He rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything. They were paying customers and he wasn’t about to complain about how annoying they could get.   
  
Dean led them to a table in the far corner and took a seat on one side. Cas sat across from him while his brothers took the other two. Balthazar waved one of the waitresses over and ordered a round of beers and Pepsi for the little one. Cas glared at him as he said it and slumped back in his chair, staring moodily out the window.   
  
“Aw, Balthy be nice to your brother. He’s getting be as tall as you are!” Dean said with a disapproving expression in Balthazar’s direction. Dean reached out and put his hand on Cas’s arm “Come on Cas, we both know how big you really are.” He gave a quick wink before pulling away and beginning to flirt with the waitress as she came back with their drinks.   
  
Cas stared at him in confusion but said nothing more. There was a sense in the atmosphere of the bar that promised him something special was going to go down tonight. He just had to be patient and wait.   
  
He excluded himself from their carefree conversation and watched as they downed beer after beer after beer. He knew that they were becoming tipsy because Balthazar suddenly declared that he and Gabe were going to serenade the bar. Cas braced his ears, the two of them couldn’t sing to save their lives.   
  
When they had left the table Dean leaned toward him and grinned “Now that they are finally out of the way...” His breath smelt like the beer he’d been drinking but he also had his own scent. Cas let the sweet smell of leather and whatever it was that Dean’s cologne was, wrap around him. Dean’s scent couldn’t even be described; it was almost like home to him, a safe haven where he never had to be anyone but himself.    
  
“What are you doing?” Cas whispered as Dean leaned closer and took Cas’s hand. Cas tried to pull away; he didn’t want Dean kiss him just because he was drunk just because he was there. “Dean, you’re drunk! This isn’t you...”   
  
Dean’s face melted into a sweet smile “Oh Cas, I’m not _that_ drunk! I can hold my liquor better than your brothers!  Trust me; I know exactly what I’m doing. I know what I want!” He tugged gently on Cas’s hand and whispered into his ear “And it’s you.” He grinned widely at Cas and placed a firm kiss on his lips.   
  
Shock went vibrating through his body as he felt Dean’s mouth on his. It was what he had been whishing for his whole life and now he couldn’t believe it was actually happening. Dean liked him. He hadn’t been imagining all those hints he’d been giving. They were real! Cas hadn’t been reading into anything. Full of happiness, he reached out and grabbed the front of Dean’s leather jacket. He pulled Dean closer to him and kissed him back fiercely. He never wanted to end the best moment of his life.   
  
When they broke apart Cas stared into Dean’s gorgeous smiling eyes and whispered “Are you sure you’re not just really drunk?”   
  
Dean chuckled “Cas, if I was drunk and not thinking straight I’d be blurting out everything I’ve ever wanted to say to you. And I’d probably be hitting on the waitress.” He brushed his hand tenderly down Cas’s cheek “I’m serious right now, I think I’m falling in love with you Cas. I’ve never felt this way about someone before.” He smiled warmly at the other boy “I’ve uh... I’ve kind of been harbouring a crush on you for awhile now. I just didn’t know how to act on it.”  
  
Cas let himself be happy, he let his face break into a grin. He ducked his head a little and whispered “Dean... Do you... Will you... Um...” He stumbled over the words and then looked up at the other boy, hoping to God he knew what he was trying to say.   
  
Laughing softly Dean nodded “Yes.”   
  
Relief and joy flooded through Cas and he gripped Dean’s hand tightly. Life was finally working out for him and he was the happiest he’d ever been in years. Dean was finally his and they would be happy, happy and together. As far as he was concerned there was nothing that could ever break them apart.  
  
He felt Dean nuzzle into his neck and giggled. Dean lay his head on Cas’s shoulder and watched Balthazar and Gabriel sing. Cas felt Dean wince every so often and smiled. Even though the sound that was coming out of their mouths was ear splitting and horrible he couldn’t help but find it the most beautiful thing he’d ever heard.   
  
Dean’s lips brushed over his ear as he said “This will be our song Cas.” He then began to softly sing “ _All my dues are surely paid, many miles and many tears. Times were hard but now they’re changing, you should know I’m not afraid.”_  
  
Cas shivered at the song, he actually really loved that song. Bad Company had always been one of his favourite bands and that song had made him grin every time he heard it. Cas joined in for the next part, softly whispering with Dean “ _Ooh I want you to stay, ooh I want you today...”_  
  
They grinned and Dean leaned forward and kissed Cas’s cheek lightly “Promise me you’ll stay.”   
  
Cas nodded slowly. Of course he’d stay.  
  
He pulled away as Gabriel finished the song and the two of them came over, stumbling a little from being intoxicated. They crashed into their seats with a giant grins on their faces.   
  
“What did you think Dean?” Gabriel hiccupped out, giggling crazily.   
  
Dean smiled and winked at Cas “I think it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.”   
  
A small blush spread over Castiel’s cheeks and he leaned back in his chair. Luckily his brothers didn’t notice and so for now he was safe. It wasn’t like his brothers didn’t know; they knew he had a massive crush on their friend. They teased him about it endlessly, he just didn’t know how they’d react if they knew Cas and Dean were now a couple.   
  
It was an unspoken agreement that Dean and Cas wouldn’t tell anyone about their relationship. It would keep their lives at least sort of secret. Plus Cas had heard the horror stories about Dean’s dad, he wasn’t eager to meet him any time soon and he didn’t want to get Dean in trouble. Cas didn’t want to lose the most beautiful thing in his life.   
  
They stayed until closing time, ordering drink after drink. Dean let Cas have a few sips from his beer and laughed as the boy coughed on the bitter tasting liquid. He glared playfully at Dean as he slid the bottle back over to him. His brothers were in their own world as they watched Cas drink. They were probably so wasted that they weren’t even sure which way was up and down.  
  
It wasn’t often that they drank like this. When they did though, it was always a show. Cas was never quite sure what secrets they would confess.  
  
It was close to midnight when Uriel kicked them out. He grumbled about what nuisance they were but didn’t object to the cash they brought in. He never did. Cas just figured he had to put on a good show, try and act like an adult.  
  
The four of them left the bar and Dean walked with Cas behind Gabriel and Balthazar. They came to the fork in the road that led to Cas’s house one way and Dean’s in the other direction. Gabriel and Balthazar gave a drunken goodbye to their friend and then continued to stumble down the road singing loudly and awfully out of tune.   
  
Dean took Cas in his arms and held him close against him. “I’ll see you tomorrow at the bus stop Angel.” He pulled back slightly and kissed him. Cas pressed in closer to Dean and wrapped his arms around his neck. He had a feeling that whenever he kissed Dean it would always be like the first time; forever and always.   
  
He broke it off first, giving a flirty smile and then running off to join his brothers on the walk home. He gave a swift glance back and saw Dean standing there grinning. Eventually he dropped his head, shaking it slightly. Dean turned around and walked off in the direction of his own home.  Cas watched him for a few more moments and then turned back around and almost skipped the rest of the way home.   
  
His brothers didn’t ask what was up with him; they were too busy serenading the neighbourhood. Cas was pretty sure they weren’t appreciating it as much as his brothers believed them to be. When they arrived at their door, Cas went inside and hurried up to his room so he wouldn’t have to deal with what his dad was going to do. His brothers were so dead if they let on how hammered they were. In their case it wouldn’t be hard to do! They could barely walk straight.  
  
Crashing down onto his bed he stared up at the ceiling with a stupid grin on his face. He was the happiest he’d been in awhile. Suddenly, the world’s problems felt so far away from him. He didn’t have to carry them on his shoulders and suffer every second of every day. For once he could be free to do what he wanted. Or at least, he didn’t have to worry about the voices in his head judging him to the strongest extent.   
  
Yes for once in his long hard life, something was turning up and he had a positive outlook on life.   



	4. Chapter 4

The next morning Cas woke up and jumped out of bed. He was ready for the day and didn’t stare angrily at his reflection. He greeted the face in the mirror like he was his best friend. Cas applied his makeup and jumped happily down the stairs into the kitchen where his mother was already up making them French toast. She saw her son come in and ruffled his hair, she took her hand out with a surprised expression “That’s a lot of gel Castiel.”   
  
Cas shrugged “Yeah, keeps my hair in place though. It’s worth it.” He grabbed a piece of French toast and began to munch happily on it. “How was work last night? Was it really busy?”   
  
“It was fine...” She replied staring down at the grinning boy “Cas, are you drunk?”   
  
He sputtered and looked up at his mom giggling “No, I am not drunk I swear! I just had a really good sleep for once. I feel wide awake.”   
  
Ellen nodded and pulled her sixteen year old son against her side “Castiel, you are the strangest child I have ever had the pleasure of raising. I love you, you know that right?” She leaned forward and kissed his forehead affectionately.   
  
Cas felt his eyes tear up a little and looked down “I love you too Mom.”   
  
Ellen squeezed him affectionately and then let him go. Cas watched her for a few minutes and then left and pulled on his shoes. Balthazar and Gabriel stumbled down the stairs, holding their heads in pain. Cas snickered at them and put on his trench coat. He put the collar down and watched them stumble around, as if they were blind. “Don’t let mom see you, she’ll be the shit out of both of you.” Cas said with a smirk and then left the house.   
  
Outside he could tell that winter would be there any day now. The air nipped at his nose and made him shiver a little. Cas couldn’t wait to see Dean again, to get to the bus stop and just stand there with him. Even if he couldn’t kiss him or hold his hand; at least he would be able to just _be_ with him. He watched eagerly down the road that he knew Dean would walk down. When he saw him, his heart leapt in his chest and he waved rapidly.   
  
Dean grinned at him and hurried over to his side. He discreetly wrapped an arm around Cas’s shoulders and said softly “And how are you my angel?”   
  
“Better now.” Cas replied, shivering ever so slightly at the sensation of Dean’s breath tickling his neck.   
  
The air seemed warmer when Dean was with him, the world was less frightening. For the first time ever he felt he didn’t need to hide behind his layers and layers of makeup. He still would, of course, but he felt that maybe one day he would be free of it.   
  
The bus came a few moments later. His brothers were still at home and Cas assumed they would catch the later one. He got on the bus with Dean and watched the world rush by. It was the first time Cas had sat here without his headphones in. He didn’t need them this time. It was a strange feeling, really it was.  
  
When they arrived at the school, Dean gave Cas a quick kiss on the head. He waved to the boy as the two of them went their separate ways. Cas retrieved his things and headed off to class. He couldn’t stop smiling, he felt genuinely happy for the first time in years. Even more so than he did the night before! It was nice to know that what Dean had said had really been him. Not just the beer talking.

During the day Cas forced himself to concentrate on the lessons at hand. Usually Cas didn’t have an issue. He didn’t mind class. He liked learning new concepts, it was just the people at the school and the system in general he had an issue with.  
  
At the end of the day he gathered his things and started the short trek to the front of the school. It wasn’t like he had high expectations for the rest of the day. He knew Dean had other things to do after school. Making sure his brother got home okay being one of them. Still, Cas hoped he’d get to see him at least before the boy dashed off for home. Cas would ask to go with him but, he’d heard horror stories about John Winchester and he wasn’t eager to meet the man.  
  
As Cas walked down the hall a hand grabbed his shoulder and tugged him off to the side. He let out a sharp noise of surprise as he stumbled into a corner. He looked up to see Gabriel standing there, his face full of concern as he gazed at his brother.  
  
“What?” Cas asked moodily as he stared at his brother.  
  
“You seriously need to ask that?” Gabriel demanded, crossing his arms over his chest “I thought it would be obvious.”  
  
Cas frowned “Well it obviously isn’t, so what do you want?”  
  
“The truth.”  
  
“What truth?”  
  
“About what drugs you’re on.” Gabriel said his tone slightly exasperated “Come on Cas, you go from moody as hell one day to king of the world the next! What gives? Who gave it to you?”  
  
Cas sputtered a laugh. He shook his head, eyes twinkling with joy “You think I’m on drugs? Do I look _that_ stupid to you?”  
  
Gabriel didn’t respond, only crossed his arms over his chest and waited.  
  
Seeing his brother wasn’t going to give this up, Cas heaved a long sigh and leaned back against the wall. He stared at the ground, debating whether or not to tell his brother the truth. He knew Dean wouldn’t like it but right now what choice did he have? He could either lie his ass off and risk Gabriel realizing it or risk his relationship with Dean and tell the truth. The choice was obvious wasn’t it?  
   
Lie, lie, lie.  
  
“I’m not on drugs Gabriel. I just feel really good today. Is that a crime?” Cas began, using certain truths to make the lie more convincing. “Look, you can go through my bag and my room. I’m cleaning! I’m not an idiot Gabe!”  
  
Gabriel sighed and put a hand on Cas’s shoulder “I’m just worried about you kiddo!”  
  
“I’m having a good day. Let’s not spoil that shall we?”

His brother nodded and stepped back “Okay, I trust you enough to tell me the truth. Just know I’m here for you if you need it.”   
  
With that said he stepped back and left Cas standing there. Cas waited until he was sure he was gone before exhaling loudly and walking back into the crowd. He followed the flow, looking out for Dean or anyone else who might know where he was. Not that he’d have the courage to ask them, but he could pretend.  
  
Luckily he didn’t need to look far. He found the boy sitting on a bench, looking at the people intently as they passed. Cas grinned and tried not to run over to him. He forced himself to walk slowly and what convinced himself was a calm walk.   
  
When he reached Dean, the boy looked up with a wide grin. He motioned for Cas to sit beside him and put his hand on the back of the bench. It stretched far past Cas’s shoulders, giving him the idea that Dean had his arm around him without the boy actually doing so. It was nice, having Dean this close and knowing the boy actually wanted him there.  
  
“I thought you would have gone with Sam.” Cas said after a few moments of silence.  
  
Dean shook his head “The kid can get home safely by himself. I was waiting for you.” He gave Cas a sly grin “You sure take a long time to get out of school.”  
  
Cas blushed and looked down “I didn’t know there was a reason for me to come out. I tried to get out of there as fast as I could.”  
  
“You sure came flying out those doors.” Dean teased.  
  
Cas shrugged again and looked over the busy school yard. He noticed Dean watching him out of the corner of his eye and stifled a blush. He would never get used to the way the boy looked at him. It had always been there, now that he thought about it, but he’d always brushed it off as his imagination. _How could Dean like me?_ He’d always thought when he noticed Dean’s eyes wandering his way. If he was honest he still didn’t know the answer to that question.  
  
“What are your plans for the evening?” Dean asked after another few minutes of watching the world pass by.   
  
“I don’t have any.”  
  
Dean smirked “Wrong. You’re spending it with me.” He announced while standing and motioning for the younger boy to stand with him.   
  
The two left the school grounds and walked down the street. They ended up a few blocks away in the residential district. The shops there were busier than normal, school having just ended and all. Cas looked around as they walked, he’d been there enough times but he’d never really taken an interest in the shops that lined both sides of the street.   
  
The signs were brightly coloured with giant fonts announcing the name of each store. There were smaller subtitles below on some explaining in more depth what one would find in the store. A few cafes neighboured a few stores and those healthy juice stalls everyone seemed so fond of.  
  
As they walked Cas turned to Dean “What are we doing?”  
  
Dean heaved a mock exasperated sigh “Come on Cas, isn’t it obvious? I’m taking on our first date.”  
  



	5. Chapter 5

Cas blinked at Dean’s statement. His cheeks reddened under his white makeup and his lips slipped into a small smile. He cast his eyes down and said in a soft tone “Oh.”  
  
Dean rolled his eyes and draped an arm around Cas’s shoulders gently, giving them a squeeze. He dropped it a few moments after and Cas wished he’d keep it there. He didn’t mind though, Dean stayed fairly close and Cas couldn’t help but let his smile widen.   
  
They walked farther down the street, glancing into shop windows as they passed. Dean’s arm brushed against Cas’s as they walked and the boy’s cheeks reddened every time. He would glance up at Dean’s perfect features. The sun hitting the green of his eyes, the way his cheekbones stood out when Cas looked at him from the side. The few freckles that Cas could just make out from the height he was at. The little things that made him love Dean all the more.  
  
“Where are we going?” Cas asked after a few minutes.  
  
 Dean shrugged “Wherever you want to go. I thought I’d let you decide once we got here.”  
  
Cas laughed softly and looked around at their options. There were a couple restaurants further up, the movie theater two stores down, over twenty different kinds of shops to explore. Of course both of them had probably already been into each one over a dozen times.  
  
With a shy look at Dean, Cas refocused on the movie theater “A movie? Is there any you want to see?” There wasn’t anything Cas was desperate to see at the moment, but he was sure Dean had a better taste in movies than he did anyway.  
  
The other boy smiled “Yeah I have a few.” He led the way toward the theater and up to the main desk. He glanced back at Cas before he chose “Do you have any preferences?”  
  
Cas shook his head “Whichever you want.”  
  
Nodding Dean turned back to the lady behind the desk and smiled at her “Two for Captain America.”  He said with a grin in Cas’s direction.  
  
Cas smiled in agreement and came up beside Dean to stand closer to him. When Dean was handed their tickets the two headed off toward the concession stand. Cas looked around at the people who were wandering around. Most were people from their school, a few from the neighbouring schools. Dean bought them a bag of popcorn and a drink each. Cas took his and smiled gratefully.  
  
The two entered the theater and found seats near the back. There was hardly anyone else there as the commercials played on the screen. No one gave them a second look as the two took their seats. Cas stared at the large screen in front of him, waiting for the movie to begin. Dean sat beside him, looking around the theater with excitement. Cas couldn’t help but smile at the boy, “What is it?” He asked.  
  
“I’ve been waiting to see this movie forever.” He told him “I don’t get a lot of chances to go to the movies.”  
  
Cas tilted his head to the side “Why?”  
  
Dean shrugged “I have other things to do at home. Dad keeps a pretty hard leash on me and Sammy.” Dean’s voice turned slightly bitter “He knows what’s best for us though, can’t complain there.”   
  
The younger boy hesitantly took Dean’s hand, trying to offer him the slightest bit of comfort. His face lit up when Dean squeezed his hand in return. Dean turned his head to look at Cas, his eyes smiling but behind them Cas could see the pain in them. He didn’t say anything though; there was no point in bringing up something that obviously made Dean sad.  
  
When the movie started the two kept their hands tightly clasped together. Cas watched the images rolling on the screen with wide eyes. He hadn’t seen the first one of the series but it didn’t take long to catch up. He’d heard Gabriel and Balthazar discussing it and other movies similar to the one he was watching many times.   
  
Half way through the movie he felt Dean’s hand leave his. He frowned slightly, casting his eyes downward in disappointment. Not long after he felt an arm drop over his shoulders. His lips immediately formed into a smile again and he leaned his head on the boy’s shoulder. He could feel the muscles under Dean’s jacket and felt a sense of peace and safety descending over him.  
  
It had really been a long time since Cas had felt this happy. He could feel any past pains fading away, he would be okay. One day at a time, Dean would heal the scars left on his heart from past heartbreaks and fears.  
  
After the movie Dean held Cas there firmly, his arm staying comfortably on the boy’s shoulders. Cas didn’t mind or protest but he did glance up at Dean in confusion. The movie was over, why weren’t they leaving?  
  
Dean looked down at him and smirked “Do you not know the rule about Marvel movies?”  
  
Cas shook his head “I’ve never seen one before.”  
  
The boy’s eyes widened in horror “Well that really needs to be remedied.” He leaned over and kissed the side of Cas’s head “At the end of each marvel movie, there is almost always an extra scene.” He motioned to the people leaving “You see all these people? Idiots.”  
  
Cas let out a soft giggle and settled against Dean. They watched as the credits rolled over the screen. A few people stayed but a good half of the people that had been in the theater had already left. Dean shook his head as each person walked out. Cas smiled and waited for the scene Dean claimed would appear.  
  
Sure enough, near the end of the actors’ names the screen went dark and a new scene appeared on the screen. Cas watched with interest as it showed the main villain, who apparently wasn’t really the villain, eyed the display the main character had visited earlier in the movie.   
  
“Is it setting up the next movie?” Cas asked with a curious tone.  
  
Dean nodded “More than likely.”  
  
Cas decided that he liked Marvel movies.  
  
As the two stood to leave Dean kept his arm around Cas. They walked out of the theater into the now dark world. There was hardly anyone walking the streets now and Cas couldn’t keep the smile off his lips. All he wanted to do was go find the other marvel movies and watch them with Dean.  He’d been introduced to a whole new world and he wasn’t ready to leave it yet.  
  
“You loved it.” Dean stated as they started the long walk home.  
  
Cas nodded happily “When can we watch the other ones?”  
  
Dean shrugged “Soon, if you want.”  
  
The younger boy grinned. Soon sounded perfect. “When are you free next? I think Gabriel has most of them at home.” He told him, remembering the strange movie covers he’d seen many times in the cupboard “He kept asking them for Christmas and birthdays.”  
  
His boyfriend snorted “He would.” Then after a moment he smiled at Cas, cupping his cheeks lovingly “That sounds great. Does tomorrow after school work?”   
  
“Of course.”   
  
****  
  
The next day Dean rode home with them. Gabriel and Balthazar eyed them with curiosity but they didn’t say anything. Cas thanked them silently for that. He didn’t need them asking questions, or make Dean change his mind about them. He was happy and there was no one who could take that away from him, not anymore.  
  
When they got home Cas called dibs on the TV. The rest of his family didn’t object, they cleared out and gave the two space. Cas had a feeling they knew what was going on.  
  
“Which one should we watch first?” Cas asked as they settled onto the couch.   
  
Dean shrugged “We should watch the first Captain America. That way you’ll have a better idea about what was going on in the second one.”  
  
Cas laughed “Okay.”  
  
He found the movie in the cupboard and after putting it in the DVD player he sat back down on the couch with Dean. He snuggled up against the boy, letting a smile play across his lips. He felt like he was smiling a lot lately, it was different but he loved it.  
  
As the movie played Cas kept looking at Dean and then back at Steve Rogers. He tilted his head to the side, and then the other. There were a lot of similarities between the two. The only difference really being that Dean had green eyes and Steve had blue. They had similar personalities and attitudes toward life.   
  
Dean noticed Cas’s constant head movement and raised an eyebrow at him. He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t have to. Cas knew what he meant.  
  
“You’re a lot like Steve Rogers.” He said after another shift between the screen and Dean.  
  
Dean laughed softly “That’s quite the compliment Cas.”  
  
“I mean it!”  
  
“Well, then that makes you Bucky.” Dean stated, “You’ve definitely got the eyeliner down for the Winter Soldier perfected” He added with a teasing smile while leaning down and kissing Cas gently.   
  
Cas responded immediately. He kissed Dean happily, arms wrapping around the boy’s neck and pressing closer to him. Dean’s hands held his back and he pulled Cas against him. The movie played on in the background as Cas moved his hands up and tangled them in Dean’s hair. His shirt became tight around him as Dean’s hands scrunched the fabric in his fists.   
  
Cas’s lips parted slightly and he felt Dean’s tongue slip inside of his. He gripped Dean’s hair in his hands as the kiss grew more passionate, deeper than anything the boy had ever felt before. He moved so he was almost in Dean’s lap, the other boy’s hands moving down to grip his thighs as he did. Cas moved one hand down so it was holding Dean’s shoulder, gripping it tightly as Dean leaned up to meet his body.   
  
The younger boy sat with his back to the TV, legs draped over each side of those of Dean’s. The boy’s hands were holding his ass as Cas leaned into the kiss. Dean’s tongue moving around inside of Cas’s mouth. Cas’s own hands were still gripping the soft hair on his boyfriend’s head, feeling Dean moan each time Cas tugged on them.   
  
He wasn’t sure how long the kiss lasted but when a loud bang on the TV sounded they jumped apart in surprise. Cas blushed and smiled down at Dean, glancing back quickly to see what he was missing. Dean’s hands travelled up his back till they were holding his sides gently. His eyes were wide and open as he gazed into Cas’s.  
  
“That was nice.” Cas whispered, his cheeks still flaming slightly.  
  
Dean laughed “Only nice?”  
  
Cas rolled his eyes and leaned down to kiss Dean again. The kiss was softer, quicker. He crawled off of Dean, cuddling against his side once more. The boy’s arm draped over Cas’s shoulders as they watched the rest of the movie. When it finished Cas looked up at Dean expectantly.  
  
The boy smiled and got up to choose the next one.   
  
They spent the afternoon like that, getting up only to eat or get a drink. They sat on the couch, pressed up against each other as they watched the heroes battle on screen. Cas rested his cheek on Dean’s chest, feeling the steady heartbeat there. It was a little faster than normal, seeming to skip a beat whenever Cas shifted against him. Cas smiled to himself whenever he heard it. He never thought he’d be the reason someone’s heart jumped.  
  
“We should do this more often.” Cas said as Dean stood to put in the next Iron Man movie.  
  
Dean looked back at him “There are lots of shows I’ve been meaning to catch up on.”   
  
Cas grinned and nodded eagerly. Perfect.  
  



	6. Chapter 6

The next few days passed close to the same. Dean and Cas would find a place to be alone, whether they went into town, to Cas’s and had marathons of shows, or if they went to one of the parks outside of town. It didn’t matter where it was. As long as no one could find them and they were together.   
  
It was the beginning of November when the two of them decided they wanted to take a day trip. It was a Saturday and both were sick of the same old scene in town. Dean had gotten his licence already and had been given a car for his birthday. It was his dad’s old car but it was the only thing Dean loved that had any connection to his father. It was a black ’67 Chevy Impala.   
  
Cas didn’t know much about cars, but he knew how much Dean loved this one. He couldn’t help but agree. It really was a nice car. It had a safe feeling to it, as if when they were in it no one could hurt them. They were safe from the world and from whoever might try and tear them apart. Cas really liked the impala and even though there were times where he could have sworn Dean loved his car more than him, he let it go. He knew that he was in the top three things Dean cared about. That was more than he could ever ask for.  
  
He remembered asking Dean about that one time.   
  
They’d been sitting on a cliff side after a short walk. It had been the middle of October, a week or so before Halloween. Dean had his arm around Cas and they were just sitting silently and staring out over the small town that lay below them. The impala sat behind them, providing light for them to see by and Dean’s music playing softly.   
  
Dean had been talking about when he got the car and all the improvements he had made since getting it. Dean knew an awful lot about cars. He was determined to work with them for a living. Cas wasn’t sure how long Dean talked for, but every word he said the boy took in happily. Even if he had no idea what his boyfriend was saying, he loved just listening to Dean talk.  
  
After a few minutes Cas hesitantly interrupted to say “Sounds like you really love your car.”  
  
The older boy blinked and nodded “I do,” He grinned as he continued “It’s number three in the top three things I care about.”  
  
Cas raised an eyebrow, brushing his dark blue bangs out of his face “Oh? And what are one and two?”  
  
“I’m so glad you asked.” Dean said, shifting to look at Cas “Sam is number two.” He leaned down and kissed Cas softly “And you’re number one.”  
  
The blue eyed boy stared up at Dean happily. He leaned up to kiss Dean again, hands grasping at the other boy’s leather jacket.   
  
Cas smiled at the memory as they drove down the highway out of town. Dean’s music was playing loudly on one of the many cassette tapes Dean owned, adding a pulse to the little bumps on the road. Dean sang along to the tracks, drumming on his steering wheel.   
  
It was warm or November but Cas still had his long trench coat on. He never went anywhere without something covering his arms. All his shirts were long sleeved. Until him and Dean were more serious, he didn’t think he had the courage to tell Dean about his painful past. He was sure Dean wouldn’t treat him any differently, but it was still something he wasn’t ready to share.  
  
“Where are we going?” Cas asked as they continued to speed down the highway out of town.  
  
“Far away,” Dean replied simply “I have the weekend off and I checked with your brothers. You’re free too.” He laughed softly “They ask a lot of questions but I finally convinced them I was driving you to a concert.”  
  
Cas laughed softly “They bought that?”  
  
“They think we have the same taste in music.”  
  
“Well they aren’t wrong.”  
  
Dean grinned over at Cas, reaching for his hand. He squeezed it tightly and said “That’s why you’re perfect.”  
  
Cas kissed Dean’s hand before dropping it. He looked out the window as they left town, he watched it disappear in the review mirror with a happy sigh. “So are we spending the night out of town?”  
  
“Yes we are.” Dean confirmed as they sped onward “I booked a small motel in the next town over. I thought we might want more time to explore it. We’ll need more than one day if we’re going to do this right.”  
   
Cas grinned at him and nodded. This sounded like a perfect weekend.   
  
They arrived in town a couple hours later. The motel Dean had chosen was a little run down but would do for a night. The town itself was small, smaller than where they’d left. But it had character, wooden buildings and brightly coloured signs. It was the perfect place for a short getaway.  
  
When they’d checked in Dean led Cas down to their room. He unlocked the door and let Cas go on in first. The room was fairly small, but it wasn’t like they would need a ton of room. It was well lit with a lamp on the two side tables and a bright light hanging from the ceiling. There was a door leading off to the bathroom and a couch off to the side with a small TV in front of it. Beside the couch a wide window gave off a view of the parking lot and trees in the far distance.  A few feet away from the couch was the bed. Only one, Cas noted.   
  
“I only got one bed. Hope that’s okay.”   
  
“Yeah, of course.” Cas replied, cheeks reddening. The thought of sharing a bed with Dean made him grin like a four year old. He placed the bag he’d been holding on one side of the bed and gazed out the window beside the couch.  
   
Dean dropped his bag on the other side and jumped onto the bed, making it groan at the sudden weight. Cas glanced over at him as the boy stretched out comfortably on it. The boy crossed his arms behind his head and grinned over at Cas. He motioned with his head for Cas to sit beside him with a warm glow in his eyes.  
  
Cas sat down beside him slowly, feeling the mattress sink even further under his weight. Dean shifted closer to Cas and draped one arm around his shoulders. Cas curled against Dean, head on his chest. He closed his eyes and took in the safe feeling that being around Dean gave him. The silence from the constant chatter of his brain. The reassurance that he was wanted in this world.   
  
He had always considered himself a strong person. He wasn’t weak in muscle tone and he didn’t usually let people get to him. There were still those times where someone would say something and it would hit a little too close to home. Those were the hard days. The days where he had to fight himself to not give in to the temptation of a quick release. An escape from the pain the day had brought. As of today he’d been two years without relapsing. He wanted to keep that streak.  
  
He felt Dean’s thumb gently glide over his arm and sighed happily. He would never get over how nice it felt to be next to the boy. A gentle, warm blanket wrapped around his heart.  
  
“Are you ready?” Dean asked, kissing the side of Cas’s head. His breath tickling his neck as he spoke.  
  
Cas smiled “Do you have anything planned?”  
  
Dean grinned again and gently nuzzled into Cas’s hair. “We have a big day ahead of us.” He stood up then and pulled Cas up to his feet with him. “Come on, I looked at how the best spots here before we came. I know the greatest tourist spots!”  
  
“Lead the way then!” Cas replied, laughing as they left the motel room.   
  
Everything in the town was in walking distance. It was maybe a town consisting of 700 people at most. A quaint, simple little town. Right next to the busy one they resided in. The shops that lined the streets were all just beginning to open as they walked down the street. Cas eyed a sign that told him they were on Main Street. How original. Dean led him down to an opening diner and gestured for them to enter. Cas grinned and followed the boy in.   
  
Inside the scents of cooking bacon and coffee filled his nose. They took a seat at a booth by a window that looked off over the streets. People passed by and smiled at them as they did. Friendly town, a nice change to be honest. No one looked at Cas like he was a freak or like he was a disappointment. They were just interested in the new comers to their town.   
  
A waitress came over to take their table and took their orders. Cas smiled at Dean and played with his fork nervously. He hadn’t expected things to be this good between them. To take a weekend and just get away from the responsibilities of their home.   
  
“We should move somewhere out here when you finish high school.” Dean said suddenly.  
  
Cas blinked and looked at the man. Was he making future plans for them? He dropped the fork and reached hesitantly for Dean’s hand “Are you serious?” The boy still saw them together in two years?  
  
Dean tilted his head to the side at Cas’s wide eyes. “Of course I am. I never wanted to stay there anyway. I think it would be nice to live in a city or a small town like this. Don’t you?”  
  
“I never pegged you as someone who would enjoy a smaller town.” Cas stated with a small grin.  
  
The boy shrugged “With you, I can see myself anywhere Cas.”  
  
“Why?” Cas asked suddenly, letting go of Dean’s hand. “Why me? Why now?”   
  
Dean sighed and sat back. He fiddled with the napkin in front of him, silent for a few minutes as if choosing his words carefully. Cas prepared himself for the worst as Dean finally spoke “My dad is an asshole.” He started “He is ‘traditional’ and isn’t exactly the most open minded up homosexuality or anything that isn’t just a guy and a girl.” Dean sighed and looked up at Cas “I’ve kinda had a thing for you for awhile now Cas, but I’ve just been too scared to act on those feelings. I decided awhile back, after breaking up with my last girlfriend that I was done pretending that I didn’t have feelings for you. I would live my life how I wanted to.”  
  
“So that’s why you let me come with you and my brothers to the bar that night.” Cas said, nodding slowly.  
  
“Among other reasons.” Dean nodded. “I’m tired of pretending to be someone I’m not. But I can’t tell my dad, I don’t want to piss him off. Trust me.” He leaned forward and took Cas’s hand, kissing his knuckle gently “It’s not that I’m ashamed Cas, don’t ever worry about that okay? When we’re both finished school we can get out of here.”  
  
Cas grinned “I’d like that.”  
  
Dean kissed Cas’s hand again before sitting back as their food came. When the two finished eating they paid and Dean led the way back down the street. He held Cas’s hand as they walked and Cas could feel his heart beating way too fast in his chest. They were safe here, no one could bother them and if they did it wouldn’t matter because it would never get back to their own town.   
  
Cas wasn’t sure where they were going but he trusted Dean not to get them lost.   
  
They came to a wooded pathway and started up the trail. Dean kept a firm hold Cas’s hand as they walked. Pointing out random bushes and trees as they did. Cas smirked at Dean’s knowledge about the forests. He hadn’t thought Dean would be interested in all this, apparently he didn’t know as much about Dean as he originally thought. He supposed it was a secret hobby of the boy’s.  
  
It was ten minutes later that finally reached the spot Dean had been guiding him to. The trees parted on a half circle of jagged rocks. In the background of the rocks was a waterfall. White rushing water that batted against the rocks and sent spray over to the other side where they stood. Below a swirling pond collected the water and sent it off down a series of streams that the water had carved out in the smooth stony bottom of the pool. The sound of the water rushing over the edge and into the pool was so loud Cas had to yell to be heard over it.  
  
“How did you know this was here?” He shouted as Dean led him carefully closer.  
  
“Internet.” Dean replied, grinning widely.   
  
He gathered Cas in his arms, tilting his head up to meet his. He leaned down slowly and kissed the boy, holding him tightly. Cas met his lips happily and wrapped his arms tightly around Dean’s waist. He parted his lips and kissed Dean deeply. The two stood interlocked that way for minutes as the waterfall added pounding background music.   
  
“There,” Dean whispered into Cas’s ear as he stopped the kiss “You have had a cliché kiss in front of a waterfall.”   
  
Cas laughed softly and buried his face into Dean’s shoulder. “It was better than the movies.”   
  
****  
  
For the rest of the day they went around to museums, giant landmarks, and anything else they could find on tourist maps. They spent day eyeing famous pieces of art and critiquing them. Taking pictures on the giant monument just outside of the town. Another one in front of the sign welcoming any passersby to the town.   
  
The day ended with the two crashed on their bed and staring at the ceiling. Cas had his head on Dean’s chest as the other boy played with his hair.   
  
A soft smile was on Cas’s lips as he felt the boy’s gently fingers on his scalp. He yawned widely and closed his eyes, hearing Dean’s heartbeat beneath his ear. A steady drumming that was lulling him to sleep.   
  
Today had been a day that Cas knew he would remember forever. That today was the start of something great. An eternity with Dean.  
  
 Cas felt his mind drift off as he slipped into a dreamless sleep. He felt Dean’s lips on his head as he drifted off.  
  
“Goodnight angel.” Dean whispered as Cas fell asleep.   
  



	7. Chapter 7

The rest of November went by rapidly. Dean and Cas snuck out close to every night to be together. Dean took him to all the great spots; the best bars, clubs, even romantic hideaways around town. Cas was happy wherever they were. He didn’t need to have special places to be, everywhere was special to him now.   
  
Christmas came quickly; Cas was rushing around everywhere trying to find something for his boyfriend. Nothing was just right though, everything was either too expensive and Dean would get angry at him for spending so much or not enough and Cas would feel bad for not getting him something more. Cas was sure Dean wasn’t having this much trouble with getting gifts for everyone. He was always so well organized and knew exactly what he was doing.   
  
At least that was the view of him Cas was used to seeing. Now he saw the chaos that went on in behind the scenes. The pain Dean had to go through with his dad and how judged he was in his own family. Nothing he did never seemed to be enough for John Winchester. Sam did alright, but Cas noticed very quickly how protective Dean was over his brother. It didn’t take him long to realize that the only reason Sam was cut slack was because Dean took the brunt of everything.    
  
It hurt Cas to see Dean like that but he knew why he did it and greatly respected him for it. Family was everything to Dean; it was a trait Cas could relate to. He himself would do anything for his brothers, his sister or his parents. They were the most important people in his life and he would hurt anyone who tried to harm them.   
  
At that moment, Cas and Dean were hiding in Cas’s bedroom. No one else was home and so they had the whole house to themselves. Dean was lying back on Cas’s bed, watching Cas arrange the books on his shelf. It was a nervous habit of his; he wasn’t sure what Dean wanted at that moment. It was odd because usually it wasn’t that hard to figure out but Cas couldn’t read the expression on that gorgeous face of his for once.   
  
“What are you thinking about?” Cas finally asked him, leaving his shelf and sitting on the bed beside him. He began to trail his fingers daintily up and down Dean’s leg; a small smile forming on his lips at the feel of the denim beneath the pads of his fingers.   
  
Dean glanced over at him and grinned, sitting up and pulling him down with him. Cas snuggled up closer to him, pressing his face into the alcove of Dean’s shoulder and neck. Dean turned his head and placed a soft kiss on top of his head. “I was thinking that I need a date for a party I was invited to.”   
  
Cas glanced up at him “Are you... Are you asking me?”   
  
“Yes, I am asking if you want to be my date to the party Castiel Novak.” Dean finished for him, leaning forward and kissing his lips; withheld passion sparkling in his eyes.   
  
Without thinking Castiel leaned up and kissed Dean back. He rested his hands on the man’s cheeks and shifted so he was straddling Dean’s hips. He could feel Dean’s hands on his thighs, the boy leaning up to kiss Cas deeply. Cas moaned softly and pressed his body happily against Dean.  
  
 The boy moved his hands around Dean’s waist so he was resting the pads of his fingers on Cas’s lower back as they kissed.   
  
Dean’s tongue ran along Cas’s lips and Cas parted them to allow Dean access. The boy’s tongue ran along his and Cas tangled his fingers in Dean’s soft hair in response. Feeling the silky strands run smoothly through his fingers.  
  
Cas pulled back first, a thought suddenly slamming into his mind. He frowned at Dean, whose beautiful features had scrunched together in confusion.   
  
Taking a deep breath Cas stuttered out “B-b-but...Wh-what if...” He paused, trying to form a complete sentence “What if your dad finds out?”   
  
Dean shook his head, massaging Cas’s lower back “I can handle him Cas. Really I can. I want you; I want the world to know about us. I think it’s about time.”  
  
Cas could get behind that statement; he was very ready to tell the world that Dean Winchester was his and that he belonged to Dean. He still worried about what John would say though; if he ever found out he would probably punish Dean... badly. Cas couldn’t be the cause of Dean getting hurt, he just couldn’t do it.   
   
Pressing his forehead to Cas’s, Dean whispered “Cas, it’ll be okay. We don’t need to tell people if don’t think it’s time. I would still like you to come though; I want my boyfriend there with me. You can help keep the damn females away from me.” Dean winked and kissed the side of his head “What do you say Angel?”   
  
The name made Cas blush; he ducked his head and slowly climbed off of Dean. He thought it over for a few minutes and then nodded “Okay, I guess it would be pretty fun!”   
  
“Great, come on it starts at eight.” Dean said, sitting up and grabbing his jacket off the chair beside him.   
  
Oh, Dean meant tonight! It wasn’t an issue but still, this was sudden.  
  
Cas watched him for a few minutes and then nodded, sitting up and following him out the door. They walked down the staircase, Dean holding his hand tightly. Cas still wasn’t sure about it but he trusted Dean. If he said it was a good idea, then it had to be a good idea. Right?   



	8. Chapter 8

The party wasn’t too far from his house, a good two blocks. Dean held his hand the whole way and Cas was in absolute bliss at the sensation. When they arrived, he let go but gave him a little squeeze to comfort him. Cas understood why he’d let go but he still missed the warmth that had been there.   
  
From inside he could hear the boom of music being played very loudly, with a strong bass beat. A grin spread over his lips, he loved the sensation that a strong bass gave to his chest. It made his heart pound and made him forget any worries he had. The music spread all throughout him and he closed his eyes for a brief moment. Cas savoured the beat, letting Dean gently lead him into the house.   
  
Inside, there were people milling about everywhere. Dean said hello to a few people and then walked further into the house. Cas followed at a slow pace; letting himself be led further and further into a world he knew absolutely nothing about. This whole situation and atmosphere was brand new to him. Cas was used to being the loner in the corner of the classroom, the one who no one ever wanted to talk to; the outcast, or no, the different one. He was accepted because of his looks and mysterious side. If you took that away though, he was no one.   
  
Dean looked back at him and motioned with his head to a little alcove where no one would find them. He sat down under the doorway and patted the space beside him. Cas hesitated for a moment and then gave in to the temptation and sat down. They sat at a bit of a distance, there were people everywhere. Anyone could get news around that would eventually get back to John.   
  
Cas could understand that Dean had decided not to announce it to people. It was better if they kept it a secret for now. Still, the eager look in Dean’s eyes he’d seen in Dean’s eyes earlier made him wish they could tell people. That they didn’t have to be afraid of what his dad would say. Why couldn’t they just be happy, publicly? Not have to hide every action, every sweet moment that he felt with Dean. Why was the world still so unfair even when he was happy?  
  
He couldn’t help but wonder if the universe had it out for him.  
  
Dean tilted Cas’s face up lightly to meet his eyes. He smiled down at the boy and brushed a few stray strands of hair out of his face. Cas sighed happily and blinked his wide blue eyes at the boy.   
  
“You hungry?” Dean asked as they sat there. Dean’s fingers gently trailing along Cas’s cheekbones and ignoring the people around them.   
  
If they saw, they said nothing. Maybe they had already figured it out, maybe they didn’t care. Whatever the reason, Cas felt safe for the first time since they’d arrived. The secure feeling he always had around Dean. Never failing to make him wish the world would disappear for a brief moment so the two of them could enjoy it together to the fullest.  
  
Slowly he shook his head in reply. He slowly moved over to Dean, pressing their legs together. He grinned up at the older boy and said “Can we just sit here for a bit?”  
  
“Of course.”  
  
With a wide grin, Cas relaxed his body. His thigh resting heavily against Dean’s and the other boy’s arm hiding behind his back. They sat there for a few minutes, making small conversation. Dean teasing him, and tucking his hair behind his ear while Cas blushed under his makeup and ducked his head.  
  
Dean quickly pressed a kiss to Cas’s temple and leaned back against the wall. Cas blinked up at him lovingly and knew they probably shouldn’t be alone for much longer.  
  
He looked around the room searching for some way to keep them distracted. He saw his brothers from across the room and waved to them. This way they wouldn’t be alone and nothing would be able to happen. Gabriel and Balthazar sat down in front of them. They gave Dean a fist pound and ruffled up Cas’s hair. It stuck out at odd ends even more so than before, out of the corner of his eye he saw Dean shift awkwardly. He gave a discreet wink to his boyfriend and then turned back to his brothers. He gave them a false angry glare that they just chuckled at.   
  
Gabriel began on a rant about how there wasn’t enough sweets at the party. How it was a Christmas party and wasn’t it kind of mandatory to have a ton of junk food for people to snack on? Cas laughed at his brother, he’d always had a bit of a sweet tooth. Lucifer was bad for encouraging it too, whenever he’d come home he always bring Gabe a giant bag of candy from his travels. Gabriel would try and savour it, make it last. As far as Cas knew it had never worked out very well.   
  
Their small group grew; Sam and his friend Kevin came over a few minutes later and sat with them. Cas longed to curl up in Dean’s arms, to lie there and feel safe and happy. For everyone to be okay with it and smile at them as the two sat there. Instead he watched the actions of the group. He watched as his big brother, Gabriel, wrapped an arm around Sam’s shoulders. He leaned forward and whispered something into Sam’s ear. Whatever he said was lost to Cas but he saw Sam begin to blush furiously.   
  
A small grin formed on Cas’s lips and he turned away so no one would see it. It would be weird if their brothers got together... Very weird. Yet Cas couldn’t seem to find any resentment in it happening. Though he could only guess how John would react if he found out both his sons were into guys... at least on some level.   
  
How absolutely amusing...  
  
Eventually people started to head out, Cas looked at one of the clocks on the wall and blinked. It was already close to midnight. Gabriel and Balthazar waved goodbye saying they would see Cas at home and they were trusting Dean to see him home safely. Dean chuckled and gave his word. He winked over at Cas and then stood up, motioning for him to follow once again. Cas gladly stood up and followed like a little puppy out into the patio where no one was.   
  
Dean brought him to a specific spot and outstretched his arms for Cas. Cas’s face lit up and he rushed into Dean’s embrace. He felt deprived almost of all that Dean was, standing there in his embrace made him feel special and loved. A feeling he didn’t get as often as he wished. Family love wasn’t the same as this love.   
  
He felt Dean begin to rock back and forth, he swayed to the music that could be faintly heard from inside. Cas grinned as he rested his chin on Dean’s shoulder, it was their first dance. They swayed back and forth to the sweet sounding notes and Dean softly sang the lyrics into his ear. His voice was like that of an angel’s; pure and innocent sounding. Like the sensation of honey running down a sore throat, sweet beautiful bliss.  
  
Dean turned his head to look above them and Cas followed his gaze. He gasped at what he saw there and looked back down at Dean “Did you know?”   
  
Chuckling he shook his head, still grinning at the mistletoe “I’m not complaining though.”  
  
“Neither am I.” Cas replied shyly.   
  
Leaning forward, Dean pressed his lips to Cas’s and pulled him into a close embrace. He squeezed him tightly and ran his fingers through his hair. Cas let out a soft happy moan as Dean’s warm fingers travelled through his hair. He scrunched his fingers into the leather jacket Dean always wore, loving the feel of the smooth material.   
  
He felt Dean’s tongue line his lips and pressed his body closer to the boy’s. He felt Dean hold him tighter and grinned as they kissed. He pushed his hands up and wrapped them around Dean’s neck, tugging him further down to him.  
  
Cas didn’t ever want to pull apart but Dean slowly pulled away. As the boy gazed down at him, Cas felt his cheeks go red under his eyes. Dean’s bright green eyes were wide and caring. They seemed to see only Castiel. Only wanting the boy in front of him. The smile on his face was huge, teeth showing as he encased Cas’s face in his palms. The boy’s warm hands providing a relief from the chill of winter. He rubbed his thumbs gently along Cas’s cheeks, tracing his cheek bones with the soft pads. In Dean’s eyes Cas could see the love he felt for the boy. In Dean’s eyes he knew he was special and it made him feel a little light headed. No one had ever looked at him the way Dean was looking at him right then.   
  
Unable to hold it back anymore, Cas parted his lips to speak. “I... I love you...” Cas whispered, almost hesitantly. He was worried it was too soon to say it. They’d only been together a few months after all and Dean probably didn’t even feel the same way. For Cas though it was the perfect moment. After all he had been harbouring that phrase for years now. He finally got to say the words he’d been wishing to say to Dean.  
  
Dean just grinned at him. He gently pressed a kiss to Cas’s forehead and replied “I love you too Cas.”   
  
His world rose and swirled all around him, the walls he’d built around himself came crashing down and he suddenly felt the safest he ever had. Dean _loved_ him; he loved _him_. Castiel the broken and weird kid. Dean Winchester loved him! He’d admitted it, he’d said it!     
  
Feeling as if he were on the top of the world, Cas jumped forward and kissed him fiercely. Unguarded passion in all of his movements and facial expression.  Dean caught him and lifted him slightly off the ground. Cas grinned; he’d never thought that he of all people would get a moment like this. A moment of pure and without any doubt happiness.   
  
This was the beginning of something amazing, something perfect. Something that was his.


	9. Chapter 9

After walking Cas home, Dean left for his own home. The air was cool and the sky was black but Dean didn’t care one bit. For once in his life he wasn’t worried about pretending to be someone he wasn’t. Sure he still wasn’t going to tell his dad but he could be himself around Cas, that’s what mattered.   
  
When he arrived at his house the lights were all still on. He raised an eyebrow in confusion; his parents had known that he was going to the party. Dean had told them to go to bed because he wouldn’t be home until late. He supposed they hadn’t listened, that wasn’t a big deal Dean hadn’t done anything wrong. Walking up the front porch he put his key in the lock and opened the door. As soon as he entered in, the whole house exploded around him.   
  
“DEANWINCHESTER! HOW DARE YOU GO BEHIND MY BACK AND EVEN CONSIDER DOING SOMETHING LIKE THIS! YOU’RE _MY_ SON REMEMBER?!?!” He heard his dad scream, coming right up to him and slamming him against the wall.  WHAT THE HELL?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU BOY?!?”  
  
Dean felt his body slam hard against the wood panels and grunted. He was used to his dad getting angry like this, especially when he was drunk. This was different though... Dean couldn’t smell any alcohol on his dad’s breath and there was a fury in his eyes Dean had never seen in all his years of living with this man. Staring into those eyes he whispered “What did I do?”   
  
John fumed and pressed Dean harder against the wall, Dean knew by the end of this he would have bruises all along his back and shoulders. Nothing new but fresh ones always hurt the most. “I hear you’ve been going around like a little slut and kissing whatever you can find!”   
  
“Wh-... What are you talking about?” Dean stuttered, he glanced behind his dad and saw Sam cowering in the corner. He felt anger seep throughout his body, an uncontrollable hot rage. Dean knew then. He knew exactly what his brother had done. “Oh... That.”   
  
“YES THAT!” John bellowed in his face “YOU’RE DATING A BOY?!?!?! NO SON OF MY WILL BE A FAG!” He pushed Dean a little harder and then backed off. He pointed an accusing finger in Dean’s face “What did I do wrong Dean? What did I do to make you go like this?”   
  
“NOTHING!” Dean cried out, anger still coursing through him. It gave him a confidence he never had when it came to dealing with his father. “There is absolutely _nothing_ wrong with me Dad! I still like girls, but there is something different about him. I love him!”   
  
“YOU WHAT?!?!” John yelled taking the front of Dean’s coat and shaking him “I DARE YOU TO SAY THAT AGAIN YOUNG MAN!”   
  
Staring defiantly at his dad Dean said in a dangerously low voice “I love Castiel Novak.”  
  
John shoved Dean away, putting his hands over his ears angrily “Don’t say that fag’s name in my house! I FORBID YOU!”  
  
Dean smirked, feeling daring and said “I love Castiel Novak. I love a boy Dad! Castiel Novak is the one I choose and there is nothing you can do to change how I feel.”   
  
“We’ll see about that!” John threatened, “From here on out, I don’t want you talking to this boy. I don’t want you to even look at him. If you do, well there will be bigger hell to pay Dean. Mark my words, if I hear of you even taking a peek at him...” John let the threat hang in the air but Dean got the picture.   
  
He couldn’t talk to Cas, not ever. Sam would be John’s personal spy, whether he wanted to or not. It wasn’t a matter of preference. Sam had absolutely no choice but to obey their father. Dean couldn’t blame him really, he probably had seen Dean with Cas and freaked. Though Dean had seen Sam with Gabriel. They had looked a little cozy at the party. It would be so easy for Dean to point it out... But he wouldn’t, he wouldn’t let Sam get hurt or in trouble, there was nothing he could ever do to hurt his little brother.   
  
Trying not to punch his dad in the face, he glared at him and then stomped away to his bedroom. He slammed the door, just for good measures. Collapsing onto his bed he stared up at the ceiling. Cas would be heartbroken, confused. He would never know what had happened. Dean would look like a dick and there was nothing he could do to fix it.   
  
Glaring angrily at the ceiling, forcing the tears that started to well up away; Dean tried not to imagine the confusion on Cas’s face tomorrow. The hurt he would see when Dean brushed past him as if he meant nothing. Right after saying he loved him, Dean had to pretend to hate him.   
  
He felt his gut twist at the thought. He was going to be sick.  
  
Turning over Dean closed his eyes, ready to sleep. To sleep forever and not have to face the Hell he would have to tomorrow. He’d just lost the best thing he’d ever had in his life. Not for the first time, Dean wished he had the guts to run away. To find a place outside the state. Get as far away from his fucked up family as he could. He wanted to be free of the control his father had over him.  
  
The only reason he didn’t leave was because of Sam. If he left, Sam would become the punching bag. Thinking of that happening only made Dean’s inside squirm more. There was no win in his situation. He was doomed. To anger and hurt those he loved for the rest of his life. All because he didn’t have the guts to stand up to an asshole of a father.   
  
He didn’t deserve Cas; Cas would never let this happen. He would fight! No matter what the cost. He was so strong; Dean always knew he could go to the boy. He would help him through any troubles he had. Always.   
  
Or... It used to be that way.  
  
Giving into the salty tears, Dean turned on his side and forced himself to sleep. There was nothing more there could do.  
  


* * *

The next day at school Dean walked in and forced himself to ignore Cas’s call of hello. He forced himself not to look back at that beautiful face and run to him. Sam was walking close behind him and Dean knew that on his face he would find apology and sadness. Dean hadn’t said a word to him since this had all happened. He wasn’t going to for a good long while either; Dean was going to let Sam think about the hell he had created for his brother. That would show him... 

  
In class Dean did his best to focus on the front board, all around him there were whispers. Not whispers about him or Cas but of exciting things that had happened to them. He couldn’t share any of his, none of his stories from the party the other night. People would either distance themselves from him or laugh at him. Usually he wouldn’t give a damn what they thought but there was now his dad to bring into the picture. Even him mentioning his feelings towards the other boy could send his world into a spiral of pain. Dean felt selfish for thinking of his own well being when Cas was probably suffering right now. What else could he do though? Dean knew he could take whatever his dad threw at him, but what if he started to attack Sam? No, he had to do what he was told.   
  
At the end of the day he trudged to the bus stop and did his best not to look in Castiel’s direction. If he did he would see Gabriel and Balthazar, who also hadn’t spoken to him all day. He hadn’t just lost his boyfriend... Dean had lost his two best friends as well.   



	10. Chapter 10

Cas couldn’t understand what he’d done wrong. Dean wouldn’t even look at him; he kept his head straight ahead and ignored any attempts Cas made to communicate. He wouldn’t even answer his phone. Sam hovered close to him with Kevin, there was something wrong but Cas couldn’t see what it was. Gabriel and Balthazar refused to even talk to Dean, as much as Cas tried to convince them that he didn’t mind they blatantly refused. He tried to convince them that they could find out what his problem was, but they wouldn't do it. They were too pissed off with their ex-friend.  
  
He gave up after awhile, actually very thankful for their loyalty. If this went on for much longer he would need their support... Not that he would go for it of course. Cas had long suffered alone. Still the scars on his wrists kept on itching; he got that sensation whenever something made him depressed. They itched and called to him to reopen them; they whispered secrets of past pains and Cas was doing his absolute best to ignore them. He hoped Dean would text him or something, anything to tell him what the hell was going on!   
  
Cas couldn't comprehend what had happened over night! One minute Dean is telling him that he loves him and the next he had all but dumped the boy! Had Cas said something wrong? Had he said something to offend Dean and the boy was giving him the silent treatment instead of just talking it out?  
  
Seemed a little childish and certainly not like the Dean he knew.  
  
Did he not know Dean as well as he thought he did?  
  
When he got home, he holed up in his room and stared aimlessly at his phone. He was silently begging Dean to text him. Cas had texted and called him several  times. Asking him what was going on and begging him to just talk to him. He understood if Dean wanted to break up, but there were better ways to go about it then this!  
  
He ignored the calls from his parents to come eat and waited for some sign. Whenever he did get a text it was from his family downstairs, trying to make sure he was alive. He would text back “ _leave me alone_ ” and leave it at that. The texts from them eventually stopped and his phone was silent for the rest of the evening.   
  
His eyes itched to sleep and wrists itched to help relieve the pain that was building up in his mind and in his heart. He ignored both of them and stayed up the entire evening. Nothing ever came in and he gave up hope of ever hearing from Dean. Cas just prayed that he would hear from him at school that he would be able to talk to him.   
  
Leaving his room for the first time since the day before, he grabbed himself a cup of coffee and ignored the concerned voices of his family. They snapped their fingers in front of his eyes and he’d blink to show he was there with them but would say nothing. They eventually also gave up and let him be, they were kind of used to this. Cas would sometimes not talk for weeks, it was nothing new. He knew what was really concerning them though was the fact that he’d been so happy and now was in this state. They could tell something had happened but they didn’t know what and didn’t know how to make him talk about it.   
  
School was the same every day, to the next day. Dean wouldn’t go near him and Cas was sinking deeper and deeper into his own mind set. Becoming the dark kid he had been before meeting the boy who now ignored him. Cas had no idea what he’d done. As the weeks went on, his daily life just kept getting worse and worse. He'd fail tests, have small panic attacks in the bathroom before going to class. His brain screaming at him every little thing he'd ever done wrong. Soon, almost a month after life had returned to its pointless state. His clothes got darker, his eyes had bags under them and he'd given up on the makeup. He didn't have the energy anymore.  
  
It was meaningless; the one good and happy part about it was gone. Of course he still had his loving family, he loved them back dearly but they didn’t understand him like Dean had. Couldn’t give him the same love Dean had. All the teasing Jo had done about Dean was gone; she didn’t bring him up once. The song that they used to dance to made him cry every time he heard it. He'd taken it off his playlist, deleted and gone forever.   
  
He couldn’t look at the bar, Clements, the same way. In fact he refused to go there with his brothers whenever they’d go out to get a drink. They’d try and insist he get out of the house but he refused their offer and continued to brood in his room. After a few weeks without having Dean around, the itching in his wrists became too much to ignore and it tempted him every day.   
  
After one really bad day, a month after, everyone  was out of the house and as much as they’d tried to make him come he'd simply refused. Now he sat in his room with the old Swiss army knife he’d used to use was in his right hand and he was holding his left arm out, out of his long trench coat for once. Along it were scars, some deeper than others but they lined his arm in crisscross patterns. He grimaced at them and hated himself for what he was about to do, but the pain in his head was too great and he needed a distraction.   
  
Taking the blade, he glided it firmly across his skin and cried out at the pain. He relished in the distraction it gave him. He focused on the almost blinding pain of the blade opening up an old wound. Blood seeped down onto the plastic he’d laid on the floor so no one would know. The redness made tears well to eyes; he’d told himself he would never do this again... He’d sworn it to himself! Suddenly hatred welled up inside him for Dean. Dean was the whole reason he’d relapsed, Cas never wanted to see Dean again. He was done with people who said things they didn’t mean.   
  
Dragging the blade once again down his arm, he watched the blood well up and drip away like little rubies, splashing down onto the plastic protection. This wasn’t the end of his pain, he knew that. Now that his mind remembered the escape he’d used to have, it would never be the same. It would take him months or another whole year to get it under control. If he didn’t do that, he would bleed himself out. Cas had thought about it before and now the thoughts were starting to creep back into his mind.   
  
He didn’t want them there; he thought he’d freed himself from them. They never truly went away though; they were always there in the back of your mind. They waited for him to succumb to their cruelness once again.   
  
After several deep cuts he cleaned the blade and hid it away. He felt tears drip down his face as he stared at his bleeding wrist. He knew he had to go clean it but he was almost tempted to let the dark thick liquid stay there. He wanted it to be over, he was so done with all this. With empty promises, with failing everything he ever did, with feeling like the world was crushing him and he couldn't get enough air.   
  
He was just so done.  
  
Cas choked on a sob as he pressed his free hand to his face. Why did he do this to himself? He forced himself to grab the cloth that was sitting next to him and pressed it to his wrist. He gasped at the pain that shot up his arm but then relished in it. Cas was probably only aggravating the wounds but he couldn't bring himself to care.   
  
 He cleaned up the mess he'd made and hid the red stained plastic away. He curled into a ball on the bed and covered his face with his hands, band aids wrapped around his arm and sleeves pulled down. He'd be back to baggy long sleeved clothes now. It didn't help that spring was on its way, it was going to start to get hot and people would call him a freak again. Cas could tell himself all he wanted that he was used to it, but he wasn't. Not anymore. Not after experiencing something more.  
  
 _Fuck you Dean..._ He thought angrily. The boy had given him hope of a better life, shown him what life could be and then stole it away.   
  
Sure, Cas could find someone else or things to make him happy. He didn't need Dean, but he wanted Dean and that was the difference. He'd been happiest with Dean and now he had to find something new to help him. To stop him from relapsing. That had been impossible the first time, how would it be this time? Since he had to see triggers every day. All around town, at school.   
  
There would be no way to escape it now.

"Why..." He whispered in between sobs. His wrist ached as he curled into a tiny ball.  
  
His family came home hours later, no one came up to check on him. They knew it wouldn't help and Cas would just kick them out anyway. There was no helping him. They would only be able to do something if he came to them and that was something Cas just wouldn't do.  


***  


Dean sat in his room staring at his silent phone. It had been a month now and it was killing Dean to see how he'd destroyed the boy he loved. The texts and called had stopped a week or two ago, Dean had lost track. The days seemed to blur together now that he was alone all the time. No friends and no Castiel.  
  
The boy smacked his pillow, resisting the urge to call Cas. He'd seen his dad going over his cell phone bills over the last month and if he'd contacted the boy at all... Well Dean would have had a new welt on his face.   
  
Sam was beside himself. Dean refused to acknowledge him at all. Sure, he'd say hi and be polite but for the most part he wanted nothing to do with Sam. It was his little brother's fault he was destroying himself and Cas. If Sam had just kept his goddamn mouth shut, none of this would be happening. He would be with the one he had fallen so hard for and they would be planning their escape from the town when Cas graduated next year.  
  
None of this crap.  
  
There was a tentative knock at his door and Dean looked up to see Sam peeking around the corner. He bounced on the balls of his feet and asked "C-can I come in?"  
  
Dean frowned but nodded.   
  
He watched Sam's face break into relief and he walked inside, hurrying over to sit beside Dean on his bed. He noted the phone and guilt replaced the relief. "I'm sorry Dean, you need to understand that I never thought this would happen. I was just happy you'd found someone and..."  
  
"You forgot our dad isn't a reasonable man." Dean replied bitterly.  
  
Sam nodded and looked at his hands. He twisted them and said "I have some information about Cas if you want..."  
  
Dean's head shot up and he looked over at Sam. His eyes were wide and he turned to face his little brother fully. He held the blanket between his fingers "Talk." He commanded, desperate for any word on the blue eyed boy.  
  
"Well, I was talking with Gabriel and..." Sam trailed off and bit his lower lip "He's gone reclusive. Gabriel's worried he might be hurting himself again. He hasn't spoken to any of them in a month. Little words here and there but no actual conversation." Sam brushed his long bangs out of his face "I never meant for either of you to suffer. I'm so sorry Dean."  
  
Dean had already stopped listening. There was white noise in his ears as he thought about what Sam had said. Gabriel was worried Cas was hurting himself? His perfect angel was hurting and it was all Dean's fault. If he had just kept his feelings to his self! He didn't really mean that though, the few months they'd had together had been everything Dean had ever wanted. Everything and more, it had been exactly what he imagined being with someone would feel like. It had been what he imagined love would feel like. Castiel was perfect and now he was hurting.  
  
"I have to talk to him." Dean said urgently, staring past Sam at one of the rock band posters on his wall.  
  
"But.. Dean... If you..." Sam said, unable to get the words out.   
  
Dean glared at the younger Winchester "You think I care about a few bruises? This is _Cas,_ Sam! I have to do something. Just back off okay? Let me help him!"  
  
"I can't."  
  
"And why the fuck not?" Dean growled.  
  
Sam hesitated and said "Because... Dad will find out."  
  
The older brother glared and turned away from him. This was Cas, why couldn't Sam understand that Cas was more important than their dad being pissed that Dean was in love with a boy? Dean didn't give a crap about John anyway.  
  
"I'm going to talk to him." Dean decided firmly.  
  
Sam shook his head "Please.. Dean don't."  
  
The pleading and desperation in Sam's eyes caught his attention. It was only then that he noticed a bruise on the younger boy's collarbone. Sam had been caught in the crossfire of this. Dean let out a swear and took Sam's hand.   
  
"Why didn't you tell me before?" He asked urgently.   
  
"You were mad at me."  
  
Dean sighed and pulled Sam into a hug "I'm not anymore Sammy. I'll keep you safe, just like always."   
  
Sam nodded and hugged Dean back. They stayed like that for a few minutes and Dean knew he'd made his choice. It was always Sam, Sam would always come first.   
  
He hated himself for it, but he had to protect his brother. That was his job. Just like it always had been and always would be.


	11. Chapter 11

It had been almost three months since Dean had stopped talking to Cas. His dad had relapsed into his usual presence but still stared at Dean accusingly from across the table. Their mom had tried many times to make Dad change his mind but he never budged. Hell, even Uncle Bobby had accepted Dean for who he was, but nothing seemed to help change John’s mind. Dean had given up the hope of ever being himself in his household. There was too much drama when he tried and it always ended with someone getting hurt.   
  
School was hell now; he walked in and the first thing he saw was Cas. Whenever he snuck a glance he made sure Sam wasn’t looking at him and Dean would observe how his love was doing.   
  
It was bad; Cas was hunched over like he used to be, he had big black sweaters or his trench coat to keep people from noticing him too much. What Sam had told him about Cas floated through his mind each time. Each time he looked for scars but Cas's arms were always covered with long sleeves.  
  
 Dean longed to go over and explain the whole situation to him but he knew that he couldn’t. Sam was on his ass all the time, telling him that it would end bad for everyone if he went over. Dean told him he could just not tell Dad but Sam shook his head saying “Dad would find out some other way.” After having seen the marks on Sam's collarbone he knew he couldn't. Dean wasn’t sure exactly what he meant by John would find out another way, but he assumed it meant he had more than just Sam watching him.   
  
This day at school was no different, except for the fact that Cas looked smaller in his sweater more so than normal. He looked more hunched over and he looked terrified. Dean wanted to go over, wrap a protective arm around the beautiful boy and protect him from the world. He couldn’t though and cursed his father and everyone who was keeping them apart. Cas was struggling, Dean could see that and he couldn't do a damn thing about it. There was nothing he could do to help him.   
  
Lunch time that day came along and Dean left his football buddies to go to the washroom. When he walked in it was completely empty, except for a crumpled form on the floor. Worry set in and he rushed over to make sure the person was alright. He lifted the black hood off his face and gasped in horror at what he found.   
  
Underneath was the mess of black hair he loved so dearly, his eyes were closed and breathing ragged. The form opened his eyes after a couple seconds and blinked at the sight of Dean’s face. He scrambled away from him, holding his arms close to his chest. Dean looked down where Cas had just been and gasped. There was blood, all over the tiles. Way too much, the blood was in pools everywhere.  
  
“Cas...” Dean inhaled, looking up at the broken boy. Tears were in Castiel’s eyes and he was staring at Dean angrily “I’m... I’m so sorry Cas.” Dean whispered, moving closer to the boy as he saw his eyes start to flutter. He caught him just as he was crumpling sideways. “Hey... hey it’s okay, I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere. Not again.”   
  
Cas looked up at him and whispered “Why’d you leave in the first place?” His voice was hoarse as if he hadn’t spoken for days and his eyes were bloodshot. Dean knew Cas probably hadn’t slept in awhile. The scars along both his wrists were angry and new. Cas had relapsed, the older scars proved that much.  
  
He shook his head “I had to... My dad... He found out and told me if I talked to you... Well either me or Sammy would’ve gotten hurt. I know it was selfish of me and I’m so so sorry.” Dean let tears come to his eyes, he could cry just this once. Cradling Cas close to him he whispered “Please don’t leave me here alone.”   
  
Shaking his head Cas rolled his head against Dean’s chest “You left me first.”   
  
“I know and that was stupid of me, but you have to believe me when I say that I didn’t want to. I was so happy with you Cas. I swear to God I was, I should’ve fought harder but I was worried about my brother. He'd never been beaten before and I didn’t know if he could handle it.” Dean cried, "Turns out it didn't matter. My dad beat him anyway." He looked down at Castiel’s wrists and saw how deep there were. Vertical instead of horizontal. He knew what that meant and he choked on his tears. He saw how much blood was pouring out onto his pants and the floor. Cas was going to die if he didn’t get help here soon.   
  
Shifting Cas to his one arm and clutching him close; he pulled out his cell and dialed an ambulance. He explained what was happening and where they were. When he hung up he cradled Cas close and pressed his face into his hair “Stay with me Cas, help is coming. You’re going to be okay, I swear everything is going to be okay. Please don’t leave me alone here with these people.”   
  
Cas opened his eyes and looked up at Dean “You... you really do still care?” His breath was faint and Dean worried that he would be there with them for much longer.   
  
“Yes, oh god yes I do Cas. I love you, I love you so damn much.” Dean whispered into his hair, shaking as sobs wracked him. He tried not to be too loud; he didn’t want to attract too much attention to himself until he had to. He could feel Cas’s pulse waning and urged the paramedics to get here faster. They had to save him, they just had to.   
  
A small smile spread over Cas’s lips and he closed his eyes again, “I love you too Dean... I never stopped loving you as much as I tried to make myself believe I hated you.” He inhaled sharply and Dean knew there was too much blood around them. Cas was deathly pale now, he didn’t have much longer. Who knew how long the boy had been sitting there before Dean walked in. There was so much blood, Dean could hardly stomach the smell, knowing it was the boy's life force.  
  
“The ambulance will be here soon, hold on Cas.” Dean whispered, rocking him gently.   
  
“I’ll try.” Dean faintly heard the boy whisper.   
  
They sat like that for a few minutes, Dean talking and trying to keep Cas awake while rocking him back and forth. He grabbed paper towels from above them and pressed them to Cas’s wrists. He hoped to stop the bleeding but he’d already lost so much. Soon he felt Cas’s breathing slow, slow down way too much and Dean had to force him awake. He shook him, a little violently but it made Cas’s eyes flutter open and he gave Dean a weak smile. They both knew what was going to happen yet Dean refused to acknowledge the fact. He wasn’t going to lose him, not this time, not again.   
  
Cas exhaled and said “I love you Dean, remember that. I love you.”   
  
Dean stared at him and shook his head “Don’t, don’t do that. Don’t you dare say your goodbyes! Don’t leave...” His whole body shook as he whispered into Cas’s neck “Don’t leave me...”   
  
He felt Cas’s pulse... There was nothing. He searched all over the boy’s neck, his wrists. He cried out his name but there was no response. Grasping the corpse close to him he yelled “CASTIEL!”   
  
That’s when the door burst open and the paramedics took over. They took Cas’s body and strapped tubes and IV into his scared wrists. They saw all the blood, nodded to one another and put in a blood bag. Dean knew it would be the universal blood type until they knew what Cas was. They checked for a pulse and began to perform CPR. Dean was pulled out of the bathroom, much to his protests and forced to wait outside.   
  
As he watched the paramedics push Cas away on the stretcher he made a vow to himself. He would leave this place. He would run away and start a life somewhere where people wouldn’t know him. Wouldn’t judge him for who he loved or what he did. He was leaving town and he was never coming back. He knew Cas was already gone, he would cry about that for the rest of his life; but he needed to be strong and needed to move on. Cas would’ve wanted that, he would’ve wanted Dean to be happy.   
  
At least Dean hoped he would.  
  
That’s what Dean would do, he would be happy. As happy as he could be. Move on with his life and make his own decisions. No one would be able to tell him what to do, or what was right; he would decide those for himself. His dad wouldn’t be there telling him he couldn’t talk to the boy he loved. There would be nothing holding him back.   
  
It was time to choose his own path, and Dean had found it. He would drive two states over in his car and graduate from high school somewhere over there. He had the grades to transfer and he could always lie about his name, saying he’d been adopted and Winchester wasn’t really his last name. He’d make it impossible for anyone to ever find him. To hell with these people, Dean was done with them. Dean was ready to be free and he was ready to love freely.


	12. Chapter 12

_**Three years later**_  
  
Dean sat in his two bedroom apartment’s kitchen. His best friend Charlie sat across from him and read the newspaper. Her red hair was tied up in a ponytail and she was in a pair of sweats and a tank. They had been living together for a few months now and Dean had gotten used to her jabbering, now though she was really quiet and looked contemplative. He eyed her carefully, wondering if he should be worried about whatever she was reading in the paper.  
  
They’d met when Dean had gone to college on a football scholarship. She’d been studying to become a tech support and now worked at Google, from home. They hardly ever needed her to come in. She had a better income than he did. She was honestly mostly supporting him. He’d dropped football shortly after arriving at college, he realized he wasn’t going to become a football player and instead  focused on becoming a mechanic. He was really good at his trade and made pretty good money. He could take holidays when he wanted and people trusted him above all others to handle their precious babies. Sometimes he would let them see his own baby, his 1967 Chevy Impala. They gawked at what good shape she was in and knew they’d be able to trust him with their treasures.   
  
“What’s up?” He asked, putting down his coffee mug and sitting up.   
  
She glanced up and turned the newspaper around “Didn’t you say you used to live in Kansas?” Charlie pointed to the headline of the newspaper.   
  
“ _Lost boy, still not found. New information discovered._ ”   
  
Dean shrugged “Yeah, I lived there till I moved out, That was after I found out I was adopted. I took it pretty hard.” He sighed, they’d had this conversation a million times, whenever she tried to find out more about him. Or, whenever she asked him if he’d tried to find his birth parents. His answers were always none of your business and that they were dead.   
  
Charlie would usually leave it at that but he was guessing that wasn’t going to happen this time. The picture of the kid was of Dean, three years ago. “Wanna explain this then Dean?”   
  
“Not really...” He sighed, knowing he had to explain it no matter what. Shifting in his chair he began to explain “Here’s what you have to understand, I’m not a dick. I really try to be a nice guy but shit happens okay?”   
  
With a slow, confused nod she let him tell his story.   
  
“There was this guy, his name was Castiel. He was beautiful Charlie, I mean... wow. Black hair with bright deep blue eyes, he dressed himself like a Goth and he was perfect enough like, but I got to see him under all the makeup some days and... Well he was still perfect. I loved him, in fact I still do, but when my dad found out...” Dean trailed off a little at that memory. It sickened him still what his father had made him do “He told me never to talk or look at Cas ever again... So I didn’t. Cas sunk into depression and I found him in the bathroom with his wrists slit. I called an ambulance but they didn’t get there in time. Castiel died and then I ran away. Pretended I was adopted so that my dad would never find me. I graduated from a high school here in Illinois. I went to college here and you know the rest. I swore to myself I would never go back there. I can’t Charlie, not after what my dad did to me.” Dean felt tears prick his eyes as he said the latter.   
  
Charlie reached over and took his hand “You have to Dean, you can’t hide from your problems forever. One day, one day your dad isn’t going to be here and what about your other family and friends? They are so worried about you, the article says so. Yes I know they can print whatever" She said at seeing his expression, "But... I bet you that they really are.” She paused and then turned to face the window, looking out onto the street that was below them “If you want, I can come with you.”   
  
Dean shook his head “I told you, Charlie I just can’t!”   
  
She turned back to face him “And I’m telling you Dean, if you don’t you’ll really regret it. Trust me going back is the best thing you can do.”   
  
He raised an eyebrow at her and looked into her eyes. She had that glint that came into her eyes when she knew something he didn’t. He usually ignored it but this time it was personal. If she knew something he didn’t, he wanted her to tell him right now. “What do you know Charlie? What is it?”   
  
Charlie smiled “Why don’t we go to Kansas and find out? I could use a bit of a holiday, what about you? I hear the beaches are great this time of year.” She waggled her eyebrows, hopped of the stool and waltzed into her room with the paper in her hand. “I’m going to start packing, we leave tomorrow Dean! No excuses!”   
  
Lowering his head he shook it, he loved Charlie but sometimes she just got to be too much and didn’t understand what the big picture was. Still he would humour her and take her advice; she was usually right about these things. To be honest he missed his mom, Sammy, Uncle Bobby and his friends. Even if they didn’t miss him back. It would be nice to see them all again, he could just ignore his dad. He didn’t need to even look the old man in the eye.   
  
Getting off his own stool he took down his suitcase and began to pack some jeans, a few t-shirts and some pyjamas. He packed all the essentials and then prepared for the day ahead of him. He would announce his sudden vacations plans to everyone and finish all the cars today. He had customers to please after all. Charlie had a very flexible schedule with Google and could take time off whenever as long as she put in a certain amount of hours each day. And the overtime helped to pay for her vacations. Most people didn’t get that treatment but Charlie was special. She was the most talented programmer that existed; they wanted to keep her so she asked for the time off when she needed it. Which honestly wasn’t much; she worked hard.  
  
He left for work before her and let the familiar smells of the shop engulf him. The customers came and went and he got all the cars done before their due date. He called them in saying if they wanted them before he left they would need to be picked up now. The work kept him occupied and his mind off the impending horror that he would be facing in just over twenty-four hours.   
  
Not enough though.   
  
Every time Dean closed his eyes he saw the bathroom and the blood. All that blood surrounding the boy he loved. Why had he listened to his dad? Why hadn't Dean just saved him? He could have saved him! He could have done something!  
  
He'd been a coward though... This was his punishment. Forever pining after a boy he would never have again.  
  
When he got home, Charlie was super excited about the trip and had all her bags by the door already. He chuckled and added his so that they’d be able to just roll out the next day.   
  
Dean slept fitfully that day and in the morning felt like he’d been hit by a truck. His brain was frazzled and he knew he’d need a ton of coffee so that he’d be able to drive all the way to Kansas in one go. He could do it, he’d done it before and they would just arrive really late. They would stay in a hotel until the morning and then announce their presence to everyone.   
  
Charlie woke up a few minutes after him, her hair freshly done and down around her shoulders. She wore a Harry Potter shirt and held an Avengers coffee mug in her hand. She waved him on saying “Come on, get your coffee. It’s time you finally went home Dean.”   
  
He sighed and filled his travelling mug, “You know you are the only one excited about this trip right?”   
  
“Yup!” She answered and exited the room, dragging her bags behind her.   
  
Watching her leave, he grabbed his own bags and locked the door behind him. The Impala was down in the garage and waited patiently for them. She seemed to smile at him, as if she knew where they were finally going. It would appear only the females were happy to be going home. Mind you, baby had never had a problem with Kansas. She’d liked Cas though, he knew that sounded weird but she had. She always ran smoother when he was in the car and the seats always felt comfier when they’d make out in the back seat. They dumped their bags in the trunk and then climbed into the front seats.   
  
Revving her engines, Dean grinned and enjoyed her purring for a few moments before shifting her into gear and pulling out into the road. They travelled down the highway with his favourite tunes as their background music. Charlie rocked out, bopping her head happily. Dean smiled at her; that was the other thing he loved about her. She loved the same music he did, they had gone to many concerts together and Dean knew that those days were gonna be put on hold for a little. He wouldn’t get out of town as fast as he wanted to. Charlie would insist on reforming the bonds that had been broken, he would have to get to know his family all over again.   
  
Sighing he drove on and jumped when “Ready for Love” came on. He’d forgotten his Bad Company tape had been in there. Charlie swayed slowly to it and then saw how tense Dean had become and said “What’s up Dean?”   
  
“This was me and Cas’s song...” He sighed “I haven’t heard it since I left Kansas...”   
  
She gave him a sad glance and put a hand on his knee “It’s okay, we’re going to make everything better. I promise Dean.”   
  
“I sure hope  you’re right Charlie, there’s a lot of shit about my family that you don’t know about. I’m sure you’ve guessed that my dad is pretty damn homophobic.”   
  
“So we’re both in trouble then?” She questioned, still smiling.   
  
Dean nodded “Yeah, he’s kind of a drill sergeant too. I will try and spare you being in his presence but that might be a little hard.”   
  
Charlie sat up straighter and said in a deep voice “I’m a big girl Dean, I can handle it!”   
  
Chuckling he nodded “I hope you’re serious about that.” For Charlie’s sake he really did, his dad would tear a strip off her if he found out about her. Dean had personally been thrilled to find her, she was a gift from heaven. It was because of her that he got over most of his sadness.   
  
Now here he was, taking her back to the world of his childhood; the world with all the pain and horror that had given him heartache and the lost of his first and so far only love. Cas wasn’t there anymore, there was very little for him to be going back for. This was all for Charlie, only Charlie and no other reason. He kept repeating that to himself, maybe one day he’d believe it.   
  
He arrived in Kansas twenty-three hours later, the sun had set and the town was beginning to close down. Lawrence had never been one to stay up super late. Dean pulled into a hotel parking lot and shook Charlie awake who had fallen asleep beside him. She jumped a little and looked around her, “You live in a hotel?”   
  
Dean laughed “No, but I figured we might as well stay here. I mean it’s too late to just drop in on my family. We can do that tomorrow, I swear.”   
  
She nodded and got out of the car, stretching into the air and rolling her neck from side to side. Dean got out and matched her movements. His joints popped and he sighed as he felt himself loosen up the slightest. It was weird to be home, he had never thought he’d see this town ever again. It hadn’t really changed much but there were a few buildings that hadn’t been there before or that had been taken out.   
  
All things changed, maybe his family had as well.   
  
Charlie and Dean checked in and went to their room. It was fairly big and Dean was sure they'd sleep comfortably. Charlie crashed right away but Dean stayed up for a little bit. He had a few things to sort through.  
  
First of all, he cursed himself for not grabbing the paper Charlie had been reading. It could have told him why the girl had been so eager to get him home. Right now he had no eagerness to be here. He felt sick to his stomach just thinking about facing his family tomorrow. Second of all, he knew there were people who would blame for the death of Cas. After all, on some level it was his fault. Maybe no one but Cas's family would know but that was enough for him. He didn't want to deal with the hate he would see in their eyes.  
  
 Dean was so tempted to just check out tomorrow and drive back to their apartment in Illinois. He'd come back, that was good enough wasn't it? He knew Charlie though and it would be far from enough. If he didn't do everything she said he should then she would push it until he did for the rest of his life. That just wasn't worth it.  
  
For all his worrying though, Dean had a much better sleep that night than the night before. Maybe it _did_ help being somewhere familiar. He really didn’t know; either way it was a good thing because tomorrow as going to be a really hard day.   
  
He had two families to face. Both of whom hated his guts.  
 ****  
  



	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is as far as this one has gotten so far. I will be posting chapters hopefully frequently... But I am so lazy. I will try and update soon, thank you again so much for reading!!!
> 
> *Disclaimer* Own nothing but the story line

When Dean woke up he saw Charlie already up and dressed. She grinned down at him “It’s already noon! Don’t sleep the day away silly, we got to go meet your family!” Looking thoughtful she asked “Can I call you Dean Winchester now instead of Dean Singer?”   
  
Dean laughed and shook his head at the hyper girl, “You can call me whatever you want Charlie.”   
  
“Great! Now we’re getting somewhere! You are accepting who you really are!” She cried out happily, “Okay Dean Winchester, let’s get you home.”   
  
With an eye roll he let her lead him out to the car where she hopped in right away. Dean was a little more hesitant as he glanced around and tried to decide how badly things were going to end if he got into the car with her. His seconds thoughts were rising up inside of him and making him consider how dangerous this was going to be.  
  
"WINCHESTER!" Charlie yelled at him "Would you get in the damn car already?"  
  
 Looking down at her he sighed and got in behind the wheel. Not like he had a choice at this point.

Dean pulled up to his old house. His family still lived here, he could tell by the way the yard was kept and the car that sat in the driveway. It was summer vacation so Sam would be out of school. He was in grade 12 now... Dean had missed three whole years of his life. He would look so different now.   
  
Taking a deep breath, Dean got out of the car and took Charlie’s offered hand gratefully. They walked up the walkway until he was standing at the front door. He raised his arm in a hesitant manner and then gave up and knocked loudly on the door.   
  
As they stood there silently waiting, Dean began to wonder if they would even want to see him. He had disappeared for three years, not even called to tell them he was alive. They probably hated him, even just the slightest. Sam would be pissed, Dean had left him here to defend himself against John's wrath. What kind of a brother did that? Short answer was a crappy one...  
  
Footsteps could be heard from inside and he waited fearfully, clutching Charlie’s hand in an almost death grip. She didn’t say anything about it though, she just squeezed back comfortingly. The door opened to Sam. He was holding his cell, probably texting his girlfriend or something. He looked up from his phone and when he looked into Dean’s eyes he dropped his phone on the ground. Sam stared at him wide eyed, as if he couldn’t believe it was Dean.   
  
With a small grin Dean whispered “Hey Sammy.”   
  
Sam stepped up to him and jumped into Dean’s arms. Dean clutched to his brother, holding him tightly and letting go of Charlie’s hand. Sam was crying, Dean could feel him shaking and felt himself shaking as well. “I’m so glad to see you Sam.”   
  
“I missed you Dean.” Sam whispered angrily into his shoulder.   
  
“I missed you too Sammy, I thought about you all the time. I couldn’t come home though, not after what happened. That was the last straw and I needed a new start.” Dean explained, gently pushing his brother back  and looking him in the eye. The kid had gotten really tall...  
  
Sam shifted from foot to foot, avoiding Dean's eye contact “You could have called...”   
  
Dean shook his head, “I’m home now...For a little bit at least. If all goes well today, I will stay in touch for sure.” Dean promised and took Sam back into his arms for another tight hug. Sam happily obliged and clung to his brother desperately. Dean felt him wince a little and loosened his grip, pulling back and seeing a dark mark peeking out from Sam’s shirt sleeve.   
  
Anger welled up inside Dean and he stared Sam dead in the eye “Did Dad hit you?”   
  
Surprise passed over Sam’s face and he looked down “I deserved it... I did the same thing you did. I fell for  the wrong person.”   
  
Dean stared at him “Who?”   
  
“Gabriel.” Sam answered shyly.   
  
A grin spread over Dean’s face “Called that one.” He wrapped an arm around Sam’s shoulder “Don’t worry Sammy, I’m here. I’ll protect you. I’m sorry for being away and I will never let him hurt you again. He isn’t going to lay a single hand on you, you hear?”   
  
Sam nodded and that’s when Dean noticed how tall his little brother had really gotten. He was close to Dean’s shoulder and Dean had feeling that Sam would grow up to be much taller than him. It made him happy to see his brother growing so strong. Soon Sam would be able to hit Dad back and soon after that he would be the one intimidating his father. It was a dream come true for one of them at least.   
  
“Oh, Sam this is Charlie.” Dean introduced “She’s been a good friend to me. Charlie, this is my brother.”   
  
She smiled at him and held out her hand, Sam ignored the hand and wrapped her in a tight hug. She smiled over Sam’s shoulder “I think your brother approves of me.”   
  
“I’m assuming you helped in keeping my brother safe?” Sam replied and when he felt Charlie nod, he squeezed her even tighter “Thank you.”   
  
Charlie shrugged and pulled back “He protected me too, we had a jolly old time. Didn’t we Dean?” She boxed his shoulder lightly and winked at him. Dean rolled his eyes, yes so what if she had been right? This was only Sam, he was obviously going to be happy to see him. Sam had always been the one who he favoured in his family.   
  
“Oh! Wait till Mom and Dad find out you’re back! And Uncle Bobby will be so relieved to know you’re alive!” Sam cried out suddenly and went racing into the kitchen calling “MOM! MOM!” He slid around the corner and pulled someone back with him. Dean could hear a female voice telling him to calm down and what the hell was he going on about.   
  
When she turned the corner, Dean waved weakly at her. She stared at him in disbelief, tears coming to her eyes. Dean hurried over to her and wrapped her in a hug. She hesitated at first and then collapsed into her son’s embrace “You got big and strong.” She whispered, stroking his hair “I missed you honey, where did you go?”   
  
“Illinois.” Dean replied pulling back with a small smirk and a shrug. Mary sighed and pulled him close again. She rocked back and forth, as if she were unable to believe that her baby was home. Finally back where he belonged.   
  
“You’re father will be so happy to know that you’re alive Dean. He was so worried about you! We all were!” Mary said suddenly, a hint of anger in her voice. It disappeared soon after though as she continued with “He’ll be home in an hour, are you staying? And who is this lovely young lady?”   
  
Charlie stepped forward and smiled at Mary “My name’s Charlie, I’m a friend of Dean’s. It’s a pleasure to meet you Mrs. Winchester. And yes, we would love to stay and wait for Mr. Winchester.”   
  
“Mary, please.” His mom said with a smile “Wonderful, there are cookies on the stove. I have the day off so I decided to do a little baking. Sam eats me out of house and home now! He is a growing boy, going to be taller than you Dean!” She said, acting as if he’d just been on vacation for a little while and not off living two states away. In calling distance at that, and had decided not to.   
  
They chatted in the kitchen for a good hour, making amiable conversation and catching up on three year’s worth of information. When they heard a car door slam outside and keys in the door the air became tense. Everyone was holding their breath for the verdict of the marine John Winchester.   
  
John came into the kitchen, saw Dean and walked right up to him. Dean stood, thinking he was about to be hit. He wasn't far off. John Winchester glared at him, staring directly into the boy's eyes. Dean could see a fire there and flinched. He was about to be beat and he knew it... Or he would have been if there weren't so many witnesses in the room. John never hit him when he could be tried for child abuse.  
  
"You came back." John said simply. "I thought for sure you had disappeared forever."  
  
"I wanted to." Dean said coldly.  
  
John narrowed his eyes at Dean "Then why did you?"  
  
"I was coerced to. I was told I was missed."  
  
"You were, but it's not like a fag like you would care."  
  
Anger swelled inside him and he raised a fist. He brought it down hard on John's face and had to be restrained by Sam and Charlie so he didn't keep punching him. Dean strained hard against them and spat at the man.   
  
"A BOY DIED BECAUSE OF YOU!" Dean screamed at him "THE BOY I LOVED FUCKING DIED!"  
  
He pulled hard away from the two and gave John a forceful kick before storming for the door. He pulled it open and heard his father yell at him that if he left, he was no longer welcomed back. Dean turned around and in a voice full of venom said,  
  
"Good."   
  
With that he stormed out of the house, Charlie running after him. Outside the sun was still shining brightly, but it did nothing to help his mood.   
  
Charlie put a hand on his arm "I'm so sorry Dean, I had no idea..."  
  
"I tried to tell you!"  
  
"I know and I should have listened," She agreed before saying urgently "But there is one other thing you need to see, please..."  
  
"NO!" Dean said firmly "No more blasts from the past, I'm done Charlie. I don't want to stay here any longer. Can we please just go home?"  
  
Charlie frowned and looked at the ground. Dean knew he should be nicer, she was just trying to help but honestly no one could help him now. His dad still hated him, his family was a mess and if he stayed it would only be worse. They didn't need him there to make their lives a living Hell.  
  
"Fine," Charlie said, "But we have to stay at least a few more days. I want to explore a bit."  
  
"Nothing to see."  
  
"I don't care."  
  
"Fine." Dean agreed "What do we do first?"  
  
Charlie grinned at her victory "I have a few ideas."

 


	14. Chapter 14

They spent the rest of the day touring the town. Dean brought her to all the best attractions and Charlie did everything in her power to make him forget about the fiasco seeing his family had been.  
  
He had to admit that he loved the effort she put in.  
  
Charlie wanted to see everything, and by everything he meant it. She didn't seem to care that most of it was mundane or places you could see most everywhere. Dean figured she mostly just wanted to see where her roommate and best friend had grown up.  
  
The two of them started in town. Going to each and every shop that lined the streets. It didn't matter that there was little to buy, Charlie insisted on going into each and every store. Dean humoured her and followed her inside. He watched her try on clothes and gave her a thumbs up or down as she modelled them for him.   
  
She wasn't really the type who loved clothes or bought them regularly, but the two had had fun at malls. Going into the most expensive stores and finding the worst thing they could that seemed to pass for fashion nowadays. It was some of the most fun Dean had these days. Although, he always had a good time with Charlie.  
  
After the clothes stores its off the best restaurants in town. Dean warned her that there aren't many but that doesn't seem to defer her at all. She just waltzed downtown with Dean in tow. He let her drag him as he looked around at the two from his childhood. He'd grown up here and every store and memory was tied to a memory that was hidden deep inside his brain.  
  
He'd repressed most of them and now he could feel them rising back up.   
  
Like the ice cream place on Main. His mom used to bring him and Sam there after she got off work. He always got the chocolate one and Sam the strawberry. Boring flavours maybe  but mostly they'd just been excited about spending time with their mom. The movie theater where Cas and him had had their date. Seeing Captain America together and so many others in the brief yet amazing months that they'd been together.  
  
Dean still couldn't think of a time where he was happier, than the times he'd had with Castiel. The strange outcast who hid his face. Dean wasn't even sure what it had been about Cas that had first drawn him in. Probably everything. He was just so different from Gabriel and Balthazar. Hiding behind them and sneering at how hyper and excited they got about everything. Such a change from what Dean was used to being around.  
  
Then Dean had actually gotten to know him. Discovered how different and beautiful he really was. Well after that Dean had realized how much he really loved the boy. The familiar ache formed in his chest as he thought about all he had lost and sacrificed.   
  
Dean should have done more, he should have saved Cas. He could have saved Cas! So why had he gone and let Cas destroy himself? What kind of a sick person did that?  
   
"Dean?" Charlie called, poking him in the side "Come on! Stay with me, we have so much more to see!"   
  
The man sighed and followed her down the street. It was hard to ignore the memories but he did his best. Most involved Cas and Dean was starting to lose his mind. All he could think about was the black haired, bright blue eyed boy who had stolen his heart. He kept thinking he saw him in the crowds. The permanent scowl on his face as he marched down the street. His eyes liner heavy and the pale makeup plastered on to hide his face. The black coat he always wore billowing around him as he trudged.   
  
Dean wasn't ashamed to admit that he'd almost called out several people already, believing them to be his beautiful angel.  
  
All of them he'd managed to hold his tongue and keep walking. Besides, even if they were Cas why would the boy want to see him? He probably hated Dean for what he'd done. And then there was the hard cold fact that Dean knew Cas was dead. That the boy had died in his arms, his blood coating Dean's arms and jeans. Leaving him guilty and feeling like the world had just dropped onto his shoulders.  
  
He felt like that guy in the Greek myths that carried the sky on his back.   
  
Ever since that day, it had been close to impossible to push that feeling aside. Charlie did her best but honestly there was only so much she could do. Dean knew he was guilty and he was prepared to pay for his sins for the rest of his life.  
  
He was suddenly jolted from his thoughts when Charlie tugged on his arm and said "Let's go there next!" She was pointing eagerly ahead of them where a wooden bar stood. It was rundown now, probably in need of some work and the sign now hung crooked.   
  
Dean let out a sharp gasp, stumbling backwards. Thoughts and memories flying through his mind. He couldn't go back in there. Not there, anywhere but there! How could he go in there when  that was the place? The place where all of this started, the place where he first told Cas. The place he put the whole mess into motion. Clements Bar.   
  
If Dean had kept his mouth shut that night, none of it would have happened and Cas would still be alive. God fucking _dammit_ Cas would still be alive!  
  
"No, no let's not." Dean said quietly "Come on, I know a better place."  
  
Charlie eyed him worriedly and put a hand on his shoulder "Dean?"  
  
"I said no." Dean said firmly, pulling away from her touch. "Come on." He turned on his heel then and stalked away from the damned bar.   
  
He heard Charlie hesitate behind him but soon her footsteps raced after him and the two walked in stony silence. Dean refused to look at her and kept his hands shoved deep in his leather jacket. It was nothing against the red head but he just didn't trust himself to talk.   
  
Mostly he was just worried that if he opened his mouth he would start sobbing. Being in town was a bad idea and with each passing minute he wished he'd managed to convince Charlie that there was no point. After all, it had been a wreck already. His family was still a mess, his dad still hated him, he hadn't seen signs of the Novaks anywhere and oh yeah, Castiel was still gone. Dean was starting to believe that Charlie had done all this just to make him feel bad.  
  
As if he didn't already know how much he'd fucked up.  
  
He'd indulge Charlie today, but tomorrow they were heading out. He was not going to deal with the people in the town any longer.  
  
Without even thinking, Dean led Charlie straight to the Roadhouse. The bar where Cas's mom worked. He frowned at his idiocy but took a deep breath and walked in, at least he had no bad memories of this place... For the most part.   
  
Cas and him had come here a few times, when they were trying to hide from Dean's dad. The back booth had been theirs, stolen kisses when no one was looking. Dean's lips brushing over Cas's ear, his hands roaming down his chest to his jeans. The soft gasps of joy that came from the boy's soft lips as he did...   
  
Dean shook his head and dragged Charlie up to the bar. He ignored the booths and focused on the chipped wood of the worn out bar.   
  
"What can I get you?" A familiar voice asked and Dean looked up to see Jo.   
  
Her eyes went the size of saucers when she saw Dean and she stumbled back the slightest into the glass case behind her. She stared at the man, chest heaving with surprise. "You-you're..." She stammered and ran her fingers through her hair saying "H-hi.  
  
  
Charlie looked between them and said "I take it you know each other."  
  
Dean nodded slowly "Good to see you Jo."  
  
"Wish I could say the same Dean." Jo replied, a slight icy tone to her voice.  
  
Dean winced, he deserved that and more. "You, uh... You look great." He ducked his head, brushing fingers through his hair. He sucked at this. What was he supposed to say though? _Hi! Sorry I drove your brother to suicide but you look great and I missed you._? No, it didn't work that way. That sucked too, Jo and him and gotten along great. She always  gave him a bright grin and thanked him for taking care of her brother. Now look what he'd caused.  
  
"Thanks." She replied in the same tone. "Now, can I get you anything Dean?"  
  
"A beer for me and," He said softly, hurt coursing through him. Not that he would have it any other way. He glanced at Charlie then, motioning for her to order.  
  
Charlie smiled at the blonde "Same."  
  
Jo nodded and walked off.   
  
Charlie raised an eyebrow at him and twisted in her seat "Who the hell was that? An ex?"  
  
Dean wrinkled his nose "Did you not see how young she is?"  
  
"Well yeah but..."  
  
"No, just no." Dean said firmly. He saw her curious eyes and knew she wasn't going to let this slide. Heaving a sigh he said "That was uh... Cas's younger sister. His mom owns the bar."  
  
She looked at him with wide eyes, like he was insane "And you chose here of all places to come? Do you enjoy relishing in your own pain Winchester?"  
  
Dean glared at her and shook his head "This is just the best place in town. You wanted to see where I grew up didn't you?" He waved his arm around the room "Well, this is it. This is where little Dean Winchester grew up." With spite in his voice he pointed to The booth "Over there? Me and Cas got cozy. Hiding from those who would keep us apart." He pointed to the juke box in the corner "There is where Gabriel and I learned how to sing to all the great rock songs." He looked over at the corner of the booze shelf "I had my first drink here, Balthazar managed to snuck us some when we were supposed to be watching the customers."  
  
He was breathing hard by the time he finished and Charlie smiled sadly at him. She put a hand on his arm "You had a great life here Dean."  
  
"Had being the key word Charlie."  
  
The redhead huffed in annoyance as Jo slid their beers over to them. She didn't cast Dean a second glance and just went back to work.  
  
Dean bit his lower lip and wished he had the courage to ask her about her family. To see if he could find out where he could visit Cas. Grave, plaque, anything. Somewhere he could go say his goodbyes. At least then this damn trip wouldn't be a complete waste of time...  
  
He was a coward though and couldn't bring himself to face Jo anymore. She'd suffered enough by his hand. She didn't need him bothering her anymore.  
  
Charlie questioned Dean about his life here, asking questions about all the places they had visited. He gave her memories that weren't too painful, all the while eyeing the bar carefully. He was worried that maybe there would be other people from Cas's family here. If Jo had treated him so coldly, he didn't even want to think about how Gabriel and Balthazar would receive his recent return.  
  
Probably not very well if he was completely honest with himself. If he were them he would have beat the shit out of him already. Jo, though, had to put up a good front for the bar. Dean had no doubt that she was plotting exactly what she wanted to do. Break his nose, a few times. Worse.  
  
When they'd finished their beers, Dean paid and the two turned to leave. As they walked for the door, the two people Dean wanted to see least walked in.   
  
Cas's older brothers. His two ex best friends. Gabriel and Balthazar.  
  
The three locked eyes on each other and froze. None of them sure exactly what to do. Shock crossed over their faces and no one wanted to make the first move.   
  
Deep down, Dean knew it had to be him. He was the one who'd fucked up. He needed to be the one who fixed it. It was the least he could do after everything that had happened.  
  
Turning to Gabriel he said in a stern voice "You take care of my brother. You hear? You treat him well and don't let what my dad did to me, do to him."  
  
Gabriel eyed him curiously. Stepping forward and saying in a hushed voice "You're an idiot Winchester. You should have just come to us! We could have helped, we could have told Cassie!" His voice cracked as he said it and he turned away.  
  
Dean's eyes misted and he replied "I couldn't do anything. I couldn't..." He stared at his feet and said "I was an idiot, but you two turned your backs on me too." Anger swelled inside him and he glared up at them "I needed my friends! I had just lost the one person who mattered to me besides my mom and Sam! Do you think I was coping? Do you think I was handling it well?"  
  
Neither of them said a word and Dean nodded angrily "No, you didn't think. Because you weren't there to ask."  
  
Grabbing Charlie's arm, he pushed out of the bar and stormed down the street.   
  
Charlie didn't say anything until they were far from the bar. She pulled away from Dean and stared at him, her eyes wide and pleading. Dean could see tears in her eyes and sighed heavily. She had no idea what he was going through. He could see that she knew that now. She knew what this trip was doing to him and the pain he had inside. The pain he kept hidden behind false smiles and forced laughter.  
  
She knew it all.  
  
Without another word she stepped forward and pulled him into a tight hug. "I'm sorry." She whispered as Dean clung to her. He didn't know how much he needed it until her strong arms had engulfed him.   
  
"I just want to go home." Dean said softly.  
  
He felt her nod slowly against him and sighed with relief. She stroked his back and said "We'll go tomorrow morning. Okay?"  
  
"Okay." Dean agreed.  
  
She pulled back and sighed "What am I going to do with you Winchester?"  
  
Dean shrugged and she shook her head. Charlie took his hand and led him back down the street towards their hotel. They passed Cas's house as they did and Dean gazed after it longingly. He wanted nothing more than to see Cas peek out from the window and run into the boy's solid arms. Feel the comfort that only Cas was able to give him just one more time.  
  
But his beautiful face never appeared.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this new chapter! Please comment what you think I always love hearing from you guys and for ending 1 or 2. You get to choose and I won't tell you which one is which. (Cause I'm mean and I'm sorry. It'll be your guys' choice. If it's a tie then I just choose. If no one responds, same deal. Though I can't promise my choice will be preferable.)  
> *Disclaimer* I own nothing but the story line.

That night Dean dreamt of Cas.  
  
He was alive, vibrant and lying on his bed. There were clothes all over Dean's floor but Cas didn't seem to care. He was relaxed against the headboard with his eyes strained on Dean. His coat hung over Dean's chair, his eyes bright against the dark eyeliner. His face wasn't as pale as it usually was and Dean knew this was the Cas who'd stopped wearing some much white makeup.   
  
Dean had asked him one day why he wore it all the time and Cas had told him simply, to hide. Thus, as their relationship progressed Cas wore less and less. Not needing to hide as much. Though the eye makeup was there to stay. Honestly Dean had no issue with that. Cas looked good with it. He'd even talked about getting a streak through his hair.  
  
It would have looked amazing on him.  
  
Dean was sitting on the floor, staring up at the perfect boy. He loved the way Cas looked so relaxed on his bed. His foot bouncing up and down as he stared back at Dean, a soft smile on his lips.   
  
"I missed you..." Dean finally said as they stared at each other.  
  
Cas smiled, that beautiful smile that made Dean's insides melt "I missed you too Dean, I thought you'd never come back."  
  
"I had to didn't I?" Dean asked with a grin, Cas's deep voice almost caressing his ears with their familiarity. "We still have a lifetime ahead of us. I'm sorry it took so long."  
  
"I forgave you long ago Dean." Cas whispered, clearly seeing the pain in Dean's eyes.  
  
Dean laughed softly "Wish I could say the same about myself."  
  
"You can't blame yourself for everything Dean." Cas told him, frowning down at him. Those blue eyes darkening. His head tilting slightly to the side, that kitten look of confusion coming over his features.  
  
"Watch me." He replied bitterly.  
  
They didn't say anything for a few minutes after that until Dean stood and crawled back onto the bed with Cas. His senses were slammed with everything Cas as he lay beside the boy. After all these years Dean still couldn't forget the calming scent the shorter boy had around him. The feeling of his soft hair through his fingers and how bright his eyes were when they locked with Dean's.  
  
Both of them gazing at each other with so much love. Safe and happy. Nothing wrong.  
  
Without thinking, Dean leaned down and brushed his lips over Cas's, feeling the man react instantly. He shifted and Cas was on top of him. The boy kissing him longingly and his hands travelling down Dean's body. He could feel those soft warm hands at his hip, his thumbs digging into Dean's hip bones.   
  
A soft moan escaped his lips as he pressed into the touch. Cas smiled against his lips and Dean pushed his hands up into Cas's hair. The soft strands running smoothly through his fingers. Just like they always did. Their lips moved together in familiar motions, Cas parting Dean's lips and running his tongue along his bottom teeth. Dean felt Cas's tongue find his and he pushed closer, wanting to be as close as he could to Cas.  
  
The boy let out a longing moan above him as Dean's fingers trailed down to his neck. He pulled Cas against him, leaning in and trailing kisses down his neck. Cas's hands clutched his hips, thumbs slipping into Dean's waistband and moving downwards. Dean gasped at the feeling, letting out a string of incoherent words.  
  
Cas grinned at him and Dean felt his breath coming in short quick pants. He grinned back up at Cas until he felt something wet running down his waist, along his neck. It coated his arms and neck and he felt like he was drowning.  
  
Dean gasped as he saw the red substance leaking from long vertical scars running down Cas's wrists. He cried out and pulled away, the blood all over his body. It wasn't just coming from Cas's arms, his stomach had a gaping wound and he was frowning at Dean.  
  
"Why Dean?" He whispered, "Why?"  
  
Dean felt himself going into hysterics as he the blood covered his sheets and flowed to where he was sitting. There was so much blood, so much fucking blood.  
  
He panted hard, sitting there as Cas's face paled and he started to fade. To die... Again.  
  
"CAS!" Dean screamed as the boy's body slumped and feel to the side. He could feel hands all over him, black clawing hands and someone screaming his name but he couldn't drag his eyes away from the sight of Cas lying bleeding out on his floor, "Cas..." He whimpered again.  
  
"DEAN!" A voice screamed and he jumped awake, sitting up and shaking.  
  
Charlie face hovered in front of him and he gave her a weak smile. She frowned in concern and wrapped her arms around him "Are you okay?" She asked softly.  
  
Dean shrugged and stared at the wall in front of him. He was far from okay, but how was he supposed to explain that to Charlie? It wasn't the first time he'd had a dream like that, but it was the first time he'd had one so bad. So vivid.  
  
It was dreams like that that kept him so on edge all the time. The dreams had never strayed past his sleeping mind, but Dean still feared he was going to start seeing hallucinations of his lost love. That's what happened to people overcome by grief wasn't it? People who went crazy from a broken heart?  
  
Without another word, Charlie wrapped her arms around Dean and he leaned into her. He could feel his body shaking but no tears came to his eyes. Charlie hugged him tightly and he could feel a sense of safety surrounding around him. He was safe here, he was okay. They could leave tomorrow, everything would go back to normal. He never had to see his family again. It would all be okay.  
  
Before they left though, this time Dean wanted to say goodbye to his family. He owed them that much and more. He'd broken their hearts last time and he didn't want to leave his mom or Sammy in the dark. Maybe he'd stay in contact this time, but he made no promises. Sam would be graduating this year and depending on where he went to school, the two of them could probably stay in touch.  
  
He'd like that.  
  
Charlie pulled back after a moment and gave him a small smile. He gave her a half smile, not sure what else to do. He couldn't tell her what was on his mind, or what the dream had been. He was used to dealing with them alone and he didn't want other people to have to deal with his pain. It wasn't fair to them.  
  
When he'd relaxed and his muscles weren't shaking anymore he looked over at her and sighed heavily. Charlie, rubbed his back "Do you want to leave?"  
  
He nodded "I just have to do one other thing."  
  
"And what's that?"  
  
"Well actually two..."  
  
She looked at him expectantly.  
  
"I need to say goodbye to Sam and Mary and I need to go find where Cas is buried."

Charlie blinked in surprise "Really?" She paused, running her fingers through her hair "Cause I thought you'd be done with this place already."  
  
Dean laughed "What? Are you?"  
  
The redhead shrugged and glanced up at Dean "It just... It isn't what I expected. I know you had a hard time here but I never thought it would be like this." She gestured to the room, pausing in her obvious rant. Biting her lip she continued "I thought maybe you were exaggerating and just really hated your dad. But it wasn't just your dad you were running from, it was everything. Everything and everyone."  
  
The man sighed and nodded slowly. Of course she had a point, but what else was he supposed to do? Leave? Well obviously, but it had to be different this time. He couldn't just run and leave everyone wondering what had happened to him. Clearly he had been big news if he kept making the paper. If he didn't set a few things right he would never be able to leave this place behind him.  
  
He never thought about it that way before, but before he had been desperate. Now he was older and much more clear headed. He could see how drastic he'd been. Now he could make it better. He didn't have to be afraid, John couldn't hurt him anymore. He was free of him. He could stay in contact with those who still gave a shit about him.  
  
Even if that was only Sam and his mom.  
  
"Please, I promise it'll be quick. We'll be on the road by three." Dean promised, glancing at the clock on his bedside table. "I just need to do this."  
  
Charlie sighed in an exaggerated fashion and fell back onto the bed. She turned her head and looked over at Dean "Fine! Fine, fine, fine!"  
  
Dean smiled at her gratefully "Thank you."   
  
He stood a moment later and moved to get ready, packing as he did. Charlie followed suite and was done before he was. He dawdled as he packed, not very eager to head back to his home. He knew his dad would probably be there by the time they got there, or would just be heading out. He didn't want to see him again. The next time he saw his dad would be too soon. Still, if he wanted to say his good byes he had no choice.  
  
They headed out as soon as all their bags were packed. They didn't check out quite yet since they had still paid for another night. Might as well take advantage of that. Dean drove as they made way back to his house. He hoped Sam would be there, it was a weekend so he had hopes that his little brother hadn't gone out with friends. Or Gabriel, it sounded like.   
  
The drive in was quiet as always, not many people out and about. The streets were usually quiet here, Dean couldn't remember them ever being insanely busy. With the exception of Halloween of course. When they arrived at the house he felt his body tense when he saw all the cars in the driveway. His father was still home.  
  
Dean glanced at the redhead who gave a huff and sat back in her seat. She eyed the two cars and cast her friend a nervous glance. They both had the same distaste, why on Earth were they still doing this?  
  
Dean was tempted to leave and come back later but he knew he would never get the courage to do so. This was his one shot to make things right again. However right they could get at this point.  
  
Climbing out of the car, he headed for the door with Charlie close behind. They stood on the porch staring at the door. Dean couldn't help but feel déjà vu to just yesterday when they'd done the same thing. He should have learned his lesson that time. If he was smart he'd just call and let them know what was going on!  
  
Still, with a determined grit he clenched his hand into a fist and knocked loudly on the door.   
  
They didn't have to wait long before the sound of footsteps could be heard from inside. They were heavy and Dean would know them anywhere, yet he still found himself praying that it was his overgrown brother. That he was the one with the heavy foot falls now and not...  
  
The door swung open, interrupting his train of thought, and John Winchester stood there with that same steeled look.

Dean paled and cleared his throat before saying "I'm not here for you, I'm here for Mom and Sam. If you don't want to talk or see me just step aside and let me say my good bye. I want nothing to do with you and I know you feel the same."  
  
Anger played across John's face as he stood there in stony silence. From behind John, Dean could see Sam peeking out with a worried expression. Dean tried to wave him off but he couldn't do that without John seeing.  
  
Instead he stood there stiff, waiting for whatever blow John Winchester had to offer him.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Sorry for the cliff hanger... I'll try and get the next one up soon! I promise


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, got busy again. Anyway please review what you think. I think I've made it a little nicer... Still have plans for several more chapters (Even though technically I could end it in the next one. But I shall not.)  
> *Disclaimer* I own nothing but the story line.

He prepared himself for the worse but what came next was not what he expected. He felt his dad’s arms wrapped around him in a hug. Dean stiffened and glanced over his shoulder at Charlie in confusion. She only shrugged, looking slightly disgusted and intrigued. His dad was shaking slightly and Dean couldn't believe that his was his father. The man who had raised him strong and in his own image. Supposedly... “I’m so sorry son, I never meant for any of that to happen. I thought I was doing the best for you...”   
  
Dean stayed silent for a moment, anger brewing inside of him again. He couldn't believe his dad had the nerve to say that! A boy had died and he'd still chewed Dean out when he'd come home! How could his dad possibly believe that a simple hug and apology would make all that disappear? What kind of a man did John Winchester take him for? Yet, he found himself wanting to forgive his dad. To believe he really was sorry... That maybe this man wasn't the complete asshole he made himself out to be.   
  
Taking a deep breath Dean said "I don't understand that, but I think that... In time, and I mean a long time, I could possibly forgive you."   
  
His dad pulled back and nodded solemnly “I can understand that. I don’t blame you son. I really don’t. I’m just happy to have you home. It’s been a little empty here without you Dean.”   
  
With a small smile Dean nodded and stepped away from his dad to stand with Charlie. He could see Sam in the background seeming much more relaxed. He leaned against the wall and ran his fingers through his hair and watched the group.  
  
He introduced Charlie to John and greeted her happily, thanking her for taking care of him. She laughed almost nervously and said they had taken care of each other.   
  
John smiled, asking them "Please, have lunch with us. It'll be like old times." At Dean's hesitation he said quickly "Please, Dean it's the very least that I can do after all the pain I've caused you. I know your mother and Sam would love it if you stayed."  
  
Dean hesitated for a moment and then nodded. The two of them walked into the house and followed John down the hallway. Inside Sam came rushing over at Dean and wrapped him in a tight hug. The older Winchester smiled and hugged his little brother back tightly. He could feel Sam shaking as he asked "Are you really leaving again?"  
  
"I have to. There's nothing left for me here."  
  
"There's me, and Gabriel, Balthazar... Mom and Dad..." Sam listed sadly, looking up at Dean. There was almost a judgement in his eyes. Dean sighed, how could he possibly get his little brother to understand?  
  
Dean ruffled Sam's long hair "Trust me Sammy, this is how it has to be."  
  
Sam pouted but gave a slow nod before leading them into the kitchen. Inside Mary was working on lunch. It smelt like she was cooking a chicken with buttered carrots and mashed potatoes. A simple lunch, but one that the Winchesters were used to having. It sent a happy thrill through Dean, a familiar sense of belonging. Of nights long past that were full of joy and hope.   
  
Not what the nights had come to know over the last few years. __  
  
As they ate he asked Sam about school and his life since he'd been gone. It seemed the kid had really gone far in his life. He was taking classes that would help get into a university and hopefully on the path to being a lawyer. Dean congratulated him with a proud grin. he'd known Sammy could do great things with his life!  
  
After a few minutes of eating he asked his little brother if he’d take him see Cas's grave later that day. Sam agreed, with an almost sneaky grin. He said it was because it gave him an excuse to see Gabriel, and see if the boy wanted to join them. Dean wasn't so sure but he didn't push it.  
  
John said nothing about it, which led Dean to believe he really was starting to get over his over his homophobia. That maybe the bruises that lined Sam's body weren’t as recent as they seemed. It appeared that people really could change, given time and drastic situations. It was a shame that it had taken all this to make John Winchester change but Dean could live with it. It was better than coming home once more to a father who still couldn’t accept him for who he was.  
  
Yes, Dean could live with this. He could live with this state of family matters. He didn't think he could stay in town though. Even with all the positive changes. The memories were still too fresh and he winced every time he passed somewhere that had meant something to him and Cas. Walking through town yesterday with Charlie had been hard enough. He couldn't live here, not anymore.  
  
Charlie's gaze shifted to him as he asked his question. He sent her an apologetic look, begging her to understand that until he got closure there was no way he could move on. She seemed to understand but her eyes were still nervous. He didn't blame her, so far this trip had definitely not been what she'd wanted. He knew that. Though of course he had also warned her of this before they'd even left.  
  
 Still, he was grateful she'd pushed him so hard to come. He still wasn't thrill about it but he also didn't regret it either. It had been rewarding in more ways than one. Despite the fear he had inside him, he was eager to go and see Cas's resting place.   
  
He couldn't help but wonder what it looked like. Was it under a canopy of trees? Was it on a hill? Surrounded by many others so he wasn't alone. Dean frowned to himself, Castiel had been alone for most of his life. Dean hated to think that maybe his family had put him in an isolated spot.

Dean knew he would have hated that.  
  
The conversation over lunch was friendly for a change. No interrogating questions, just a true carefree atmosphere. The air wasn't tense and Dean felt like he could breathe. There was no overbearing presence from his father and he could look at him without feeling nauseous.   
  
So much was different that Dean almost had to walk away for a moment. This wasn't the home he had grown up in at all. Whatever this was, it was a completely different Winchester family. Sam was more or less the same, not as timid as he once was. Mary smiled more and she talked much more with her children. John talked less and when he did speak, it was soft and without judgement.  
  
It was amazing what three years and day could do.  
  
When they'd finished lunch, Sam stood and the three of them headed out. It was much more sudden than Dean had originally thought, but he figured the sooner he got to see his angel's resting place the better. He could leave as soon as possible then. Go back to the garage and the life he had created for himself.   
  
Sam, Dean and Charlie walked toward the Novak house. They talked amiably as they walked, like they had all seen each other no more than a month before and not three years past. Sam asked questions about what their lives were like, an envious expression on his face. Dean smiled and promised the kid that he could come visit him whenever. That he would help Sam out if he wanted to leave after high school.  
  
When they reached the Novak house he saw that they hadn’t moved at all. Honestly he was glad for that, he didn’t think he could deal with anymore change. His dad’s transformation was enough for him. Some things just needed to stay the same.  
  
They walked up to the front door and Sam knocked confidently. Gabriel’s voice could be heard from inside, he was screaming about getting it and opened it widely. His grin never faltered as he stared right at Sam and kissed him happily. He cupped the taller boy's cheeks and tugged him down. When he pulled back he said softly “I missed you kiddo.”   
  
Sam chuckled and whispered “I saw you yesterday!”   
  
Gabriel shrugged “Feels like years!” He looked up and blinked in surprise. “Dean...” He let go of Sam and Dean prepared himself again for a punch. After yesterday he wouldn't have been surprised. Instead he was surprised when he got a hug.   
  
He clung back to Gabriel whispering about how sorry he was. How he felt so bad for what had happened to Cas and he knew it was late but that he had had to get out of there as fast as he could. He apologized for leaving and abandoning them and that if Cas were still alive he would do everything he could to set it right. To protect him and ignore what everyone else thought. He could stop whispering "Sorry."  
  
"All I want is say goodbye to him. I was hoping we could visit his grave together." Dean said, still clinging to Gabriel.  
  
After a moment Gabriel pulled back and looked at Sam “You didn’t tell him?”   
  
Sam shrugged and said in a hushed voice “I thought you might want to.” He looked at Dean and grinned “Should we just show him instead?”   
  
Gabriel grinned and kissed him again “That’s why I love you Sammy.” Taking Sam’s hand he said “Follow us Dean and random pretty girl!”   
  
“Charlie.” She replied smiling at the other boy. She grabbed Dean’s hand and squeezed it gently.   
  
He shot her a grateful look and turned back to his friends. She could see the worry and anxiety in her friends' eyes and did her best to assure that it would all work out. Dean honestly couldn't think of anyone who was a better friend than she was. She put up with so much shit.   
  
Gabriel smiled warmly at her "Charlie, nice to meet you.  
  
"And you."  
  
With that they walked down the street until they came into view of the hospital. Dean’s confusion grew. He glanced backwards in the direction of the cemetery and he refused to let his mind hope.   
  
It wasn’t possible, it just wasn’t at all possible!  
 __  
"Guys what are we doing here?" He questioned as Gabriel and Sam didn't slow in their pace. "The cemetery is that way!"  
  
"You'll see." They replied in unison.  
  
He looked over at Charlie who just shrugged and rushed to catch up with them. Dean fell back and stared up at the giant building. He bit his lower lip and wrung his hands in front of him. How could he even begin to wonder? He knew the truth, this was a sick joke. Gabriel was obviously still mad, Sam too. They were trying make him feel worse than he already did.   
  
The bastards, he could easily do that all on his own! He didn't them shoving whatever it was they were going to shove in his face.  
  
"Dean come on!" Sam called, looking back at his brother.  
  
Dean sped up his pace, his feet barely moving. Worry was coursing through him and he couldn't swallow the lump that was forming in his throat.  
  
Something was wrong... Something was really wrong.

Or maybe, just maybe, it wasn't.  
  
He could barely let himself believe that. He was almost positive that this was going to end badly for him and he would be made a fool of. That his hope would be crushed and there would be nothing left for him in this world.  
  
They walked inside and Dean watched as Gabriel went up to the front desk. He paused at the door, not wanting to give himself any more false hope. When Gabriel motioned for him to follow, he did. Charlie stayed close as they headed down a long hallway. Dean's mouth felt dry and there was a roaring in his ears as his brain swam with the possibilities that were arising.  
  
Gabriel came to a stop in front of the elevator and Dean paused with them. His whole body vibrating with what might be. What could be and probably wasn't.  
  
The doors dinged and they all stepped inside. Dean watched the world disappear as the door closed and the elevator began its ascent.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long again. Provincial exams... ew. Anyway please review what you think. Thank you all again for reading <3  
> *Disclaimer* I own nothing but the story line.

They rode the elevator to the fourth floor. When the doors opened Dean looked at one of the signs hanging from the ceiling, _Coma Patients_. Without any hesitation Gabriel headed in the direction that arrow pointed. Dean’s heart was pounding as they walked down the white walled hallway. His reflection bounced back at him from the floor and Dean felt his mind swirling with questions and regrets. Deep down he knew exactly what he was about to discover.  
  
They entered the fourth room on the left and Dean stopped short at the door. He hovered in the doorway, too afraid to enter and see what his mind was already telling him was the truth. He still couldn't let himself believe that this was the happening. That all this time he could have been here...  
  
Dean steeled his back after a moment and stumbled into the room after Sam began motioning rapidly for him to come in and stared at the bed that lay there. When he saw what was there he put a hand to his mouth and felt his chest close. Breathing quickly became impossible as he gazed down at the sight in front of him.  
  
 There, lying on the bed was Castiel. His eyes were shut and his hair was neatly framing his head around his pillow. He felt his whole body shaking as he stared at the pale figure "How... How long has he been like this?" He asked, looking up at Gabriel.  
  
"Since the day you left." Gabriel replied simply, almost with a cold tone. "He died for a minute, but when they got him in the ambulance they managed to revive him just enough so his body and brain didn't  shut down completely. He hasn't woken up yet, his brain had been left with no oxygen for a moment too long but the doctors keep saying he'll make a full recovery... Some day. Hopefully."  
  
Dean nodded slowly, feeling his body frozen in place, unable to move. He'd been gone for three years while Cas was lying here alone. Alive... Barely, but alive. He could have been here every day beside him. He could have _been_ here! Dean had been selfish though, leaving and trying to take care of himself instead of checking in on the boy he had never stopped loving. If he'd just taken a second and gone back to find him... But he hadn't and he had broken his promise to Cas yet again.  
  
There was a moment of silence before Gabriel guided them out of the room, telling Dean he'd give him a moment alone with Castiel. Dean couldn't speak, but thanked him silently with a nod.  
  
Once alone, the door shut he collapsed to his knees beside the frail looking boy and clutched Cas’s hand, “Oh god Cas...” He whispered rocking back forth on the floor. “I’m so sorry, oh my god...”   
  
Dean sobbed and watched his angel, breathing slowly and softly on the white sheets of the bed. It hurt him to see the boy he loved like this, it wasn’t fair for him to be hurting so much. If Cas could even feel pain right now... Did he know Dean had left him? Could he tell the man was back? Probably not and Dean couldn't decide if that made it worse or better.   
  
He had missed Castiel so much. Everything about him, every memory they'd shared.  He had missed how strong he’d felt next to him when they'd lay down on the couch or in bed. The feel of his lips on his and how they had laughed together. How beautiful the boy's smile was. The scent of him in the impala. How Dean had thought Castiel had been lost to him forever. All those memories felt like far away dreams now.   
  
Here he’d been, the whole time. Lying here and waiting for him to come back. Just like he always seemed to have been waiting for Dean. His whole life, waiting for Dean to man up and make a move. To show him how he really felt. Waiting for Dean to get over his fear of his father and talk to him. Losing faith in the man and yes still waiting. The beautiful and forever loyal Castiel. No one was worthy of him. Least of all Dean.  
  
The room was empty except for them. Somehow the Novaks had managed to get Cas his own room. Good, he deserved it and more. Dean knew Cas would have hated to have a roommate. Dean crawled carefully onto the bed and curled up onto the bed, he cradled Cas’s once strong body in his arms, tears coming faster as he felt how weak he was now. After lying in a bed for three years most of Castiel's muscle tone had gone. He looked older now, though Dean could still only see him as the boy he knew in high school.  
  
 He rocked him gently back and forth and hummed softly, letting the words slip out “ _Walking down this rocky road, wondering where my life is leading. Rolling on to the bitter end... Finding out along the way, what it takes to keep love living._ ” Tears rolled down his cheeks as he sang “ _You should know my friend...Ooh I want you to stay..._ ” He cried softly, clutching Cas closely.   
  
Dean cried, clutching Cas tightly, unable to believe he was in a coma. That Dean had run away and left him again after promising he wouldn’t. How could he do that? Even if Cas had been dead, Dean had abandoned him. Left him alone again with no explanation.   
  
If Cas ever did wake up, would he still want Dean? Would he even care that Dean was so broken over him? Or would he give up on Dean, realizing  that he deserved better?  
  
Honestly Dean wouldn't blame him if he did. He deserved that and worse. Cas had counted on him and what had he done? He'd gotten scared and run away. Just like the dick he was. Cas would never have left, he would have made certain that Dean was gone before running away. But there was also the fact that Cas's family would never make him do what John had done.  
  
They weren't complete assholes.  
  
Dean brushed the hair from Cas's vacant face and felt yet another sob rise in his chest. He kissed his love's cheek and began to wish that he would wake up. Dean just needed him to wake up, he needed him to be okay. To know that Dean was here, that he had never stopped loving him. Dean needed Cas to be okay... To be alive and with him.  
  
He sat there sobbing for a good ten minutes before the door opened. Sam poked his head around and smiled sadly at his brother. "How are you doing?"  
  
Dean looked up at him, tears still pouring down his cheeks and shook his head "I left him... I left him again." Dean felt his body shaking as he said "How could I leave him?!"  
  
Sam walked in, closing the door behind him "You didn't know. Like you said, you did what you thought was right."  
  
"I was wrong." Dean whispered softly.  
  
"Sometimes we are," Sam said firmly and took a seat on the other side of the bed "It's okay, you're allowed to be wrong. You're not perfect Dean. No one is."  
  
"I told him I wouldn't leave!" Dean protested, looking up at Sam "I told him that I would be here!"  
  
Sam put a hand on Dean's shoulder and looked him straight in the face "You're here now, he will understand Dean. You thought he was dead, so did we until the doctors brought him back. You were off to live the kind of life Cas would have wanted you to have."  
  
Dean sniffled and looked down at the sleeping figure. Sam was right of course, but that didn't make it any easier. He kissed the top of his head and looked back up at Sam. "What do I do now? I can't leave."  
  
"Glad to hear you say that..." Sam laughed softly before standing "Start a life here? You had one before."  
  
"And Charlie?" Dean questioned, glancing at the door "I can't just leave her. Or expect her to just move in and stay with me. She has her own life..."  
  
"I think she'll want to stay."  
  
"Why do you say that?"  
  
Sam smirked and said "She found a cute nurse outside." With that he left the room once more.  
  
Dean rolled his eyes and turned back to Cas. He cuddled the man's form to his chest and nuzzled into his neck. He should have never left, regardless of what Sam said. He could never get that thought out of his brain.   
  
He shouldn't have left... he shouldn't have left. _He shouldn't have left.._   
  
With a determined set to his features Dean leaned his face close to Castiel's. "I'm not going anywhere. Not this time. I swear Cas, for real this time. I will be here every day. I won't leave you alone in this." Dean whispered and gently pressed a kiss to Cas's lips. "I love you..." He kissed him again "I love you, please... just come back to me. Come back okay?"  
  
There was no reply and yet Dean secretly held onto a sliver of hope that told him Castiel could hear him. That he was beginning to wake up and they would be together watching movies on the couch again soon. Things were going to change and it was going to be okay.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go, the next part. I apologize now for any heartbreak that may be in the future... Cause I can almost guarantee some, almost. Sorry! Please comment what you think. Thank you all again for reading <3  
> *Disclaimer* I own nothing but the story line.

For the next few days Dean spent all the time he could at the hospital. Charlie made a point of staying even though Dean had told her several times before that he wouldn't mind if she went home. She had work after all and he didn't want to be the one to keep her from making money. She pointedly refused though, saying she would rather spend time with him.  
  
By him, she meant the nurse who was always on when Dean went to visit Cas.   
  
Her name was Gilda and Dean understood exactly why Charlie wanted to stay here. She was hot, there was no denying that. A short girl with dark skin and big cheerful eyes. She was easy to approach and always happy to ask questions. Especially since Dean was a friend of Charlie's. It seemed Gilda had as much of a crush on her as Charlie did.   
  
Honestly he was happy for them, Charlie deserved every happiness in the world. Especially after what she'd given him. A chance to make things work with Cas, a chance to make it all better. He needed this, now more than ever.  
  
After they'd left the hospital that day, Dean had pulled her aside. She'd been the one pushing so hard for them to come here. He couldn't help but wonder if she'd had some sort of information as to what was happening here.  
  
Dean took a breath before saying "Charlie what's the real reason you pushed me so hard to be here?"  
  
Charlie shifted where she stood and said "Well... You talked so much about this one boy and refused to let me set you up with anyone else. I guess I just assumed you were still in love with the guy. _Which_ I turned out to be right about. With your article there was a little extra mentioning a certain someone and... Voila!"   
  
He  stared at her in shock, not quite comprehending “You knew?!”   
  
She laughed at his expression and patted his shoulder comfortingly “Yes Dean, they mentioned a boy in a coma in the article and how you’d disappeared after that had happened. After I heard your story, I figured this had to be the boy.”   
  
“So... That’s why you pushed the road trip so much...”   
  
Charlie shrugged “Yeah, well I knew someone in a coma once and they told me familiar things would help them wake up. That’s the theory at least. It didn’t work for me but I figured it had to work for someone right? So why not try here?”   
  
Dean smiled and gave Charlie and hug “I love you.” He whispered, his heart felt like it was bursting. This was his second chance!  
  
Grinning up at him Charlie whispered back “I know.”   
  
That had been that. There was no stopping Dean from coming to see Cas afterwards. Not that anyone tried to stop him anyway. They all knew how important Cas was to Dean and they didn't want to be the ones to stand in his way.   
  
Besides, they all knew the same theories that Charlie did. If Dean could be the one to wake the boy up, well they weren't going to take the risk of keeping him away. They wanted him to be with them after all. Just as much as Dean did.  
  
Dean was sitting beside Cas then, just as he did every day. Charlie was off with Gilda somewhere, ready to be called in anything happened. Sam was at school and Dean wasn't sure what anyone else was doing. Right then, all he wanted was to be with Cas. He wanted him to wake up and most of all he wanted to be the first person that Cas saw. He wanted the man to realize that Dean had never really left. That he had never forgotten about him even if he hadn't been in the same state.  
  
Dean just needed Cas to know how much he really loved him.  
  
The doctors kept saying that ever since Dean had come back there had been progress. Not enough progress to wake the boy up apparently, but still... Progress.   
  
The man still wasn't sure how much of that he believed. If Cas really was better off than before, why hadn't he opened his eyes? Or moved? Or done _something_ to tell Dean that he was alright? Did he even realize Dean was here?  
  
He could never tell.  
  
For the moment he was fine just to sit with him and cross his fingers, hoping for the best. There was nothing else he could.   
  
Gabriel brought in familiar objects from time to time. Cas's possessions. The parts that made him, well, him. His makeup, his trench coat, (Which Dean sometimes wrapped around his shoulders. It still smelt like Cas and if he closed his eyes he could pretend that it was the boy's arms around him. That they were sitting on some cliff watching the town in his car. That the two of them were safe and okay.) he even brought a few presents that Dean had got him. Ones Cas had never gotten rid of. It warmed his heart to see them. Maybe Cas didn't hate him as much as Dean hated himself.  
  
"Please... Please come back to me..." Dean whispered. He lay his head on the side of the mattress, putting a hand on Cas's chest. "I need you..."  


*******   
  


Cas felt like he was floating. A dark abyss around him and he was floating in the centre of it. He could hear voices all around him, yelling muffled words but he barely focused on any of that. All he wanted was to continue moving, swimming in the inky space that had come to claim him.  
  
He was sure he was dead.  
  
That was the only explanation Cas could think of. He was dead and this was what life after felt like. A dark expanse of nothingness. What a letdown after all that people wished for. They were going to be so disappointed when they got here. Cas had never really considered himself a religious type, but he had believed that there was something after this. A something that was better than what he had to deal with in the real world. Looked like the afterlife would be as awful as actual life.  
  
Then the jolting came.   
  
A searing pain that pushed his body forward and made him squirm. It seemed to be pulling at him, dragging him into whatever it was came next. It was like electricity being shot down his body and Cas wasn't sure how to react.  
  
Whenever he tried to cry out, nothing came. His speech had been taken, he was alone in the world. With every cry, his panic rose.   
  
"DEAN!" He yelled silently, hoping against hope that maybe he would hear him. That maybe he wasn't truly dead and Dean was still there, beside him. Holding him and telling him to stay awake.   
  
Guilt rushed through Cas as he realized what he must look like. This time it had been him leaving Dean. Dean had come back to him, if only seconds late. If only Cas had been able to hold on just a little longer. He would have seen Dean, they would have talked! It would have all be okay. That wasn't how it had been meant to be though. Cas was weak and now Dean knew it.  
  
It was probably better this way.  
  
That's when the colour was brought back to his world. He couldn't see faces, and words were still dimmed but Cas could see images. Detailed pictures of... Well he supposed they were memories. It couldn't be Heaven. This wasn't what Heaven was supposed to look like.   
  
At first he'd been unsure what to look for, but it seemed the images would come to him. They would seek him out.   
  
For once, people actually wanted to be around him. They sought out him and wanted to be around him. It wasn't just one boy anymore. Maybe it never really had been...

The first person he saw was his mother. She'd come running to him, tears in her eyes and her arms opened wide. She'd engulfed him in a tight hug and honestly Cas had been too stunned to react at first. She had always been a tough lady. Hugs were often, but she hardly ever was the one to initiate them. Even still, Cas loved her for it. She knew when he needed them and when to just leave him alone. If he really thought about it, they'd always had a wonderful relationship.  
  
Cas was visited by his family often in this... Well whatever it was. Each time they were tearful and at first all of them came at together. A mass group drifting into whatever part of his mind he happened to be in. Which just so happened to be Clements. The place Dean had confessed his feelings for him.   
  
His family never seemed to question where their son spent his time. It was almost like they couldn't tell what the setting was, they were just there for him. Cas loved having them randomly appear. It got lonely sometimes as he watched his memories play out. He didn't usually participate. Cas preferred to watch and hope.   
  
Hope that the one person he really wanted to see would appear. That he could talk to him, even if the conversations were one sided. His family never talked to him, and if they did it was only to each other. It hurt that he never saw Dean but he learned to live with it.   
  
Or not live... Live wasn't the right word for what he was doing. Exist? That sounded slightly more accurate.  
  
Cas could remember even Sam coming to visit him. He'd come with Gabriel and the two of them had seemed close. Closer than close even. Cas hadn't been able to quite put his finger on it... Until he watched Sam kiss Gabriel.  
  
His brother had been crying into Sam's shoulder, whispering about how he should have been there. Watched out for him and actually taken the time to make sure he was alright. Sam had sat there with his arms around Gabriel, trying his best to calm him down. Doing what Cas wished he could do. Then, after a moment, he'd lifted Gabriel's cheeks gently and kissed him lightly. Smiling at him with all the love Cas knew he had inside. The same love Cas felt whenever he looked at Dean.  
  
Then they'd left and Cas had been alone again.   
  
As the days went on, Cas began to forget what time was. There was no concept of time inside his head but he knew that days were passing. That people were coming and going. That life had kept on going on without him. Just like he always knew it would if he died. What he hadn't counted on was all the familiar and not so familiar faces coming to see him. Remembering him as he was, stories about him and how they'd all been happy for him and Dean.  
  
Yes, they'd known. Everyone had seemed to have known and no one had cared. Not really at least. The boys on Dean's football team had been waiting for Dean to mention it but he never had. Most of them had seen them kiss at the party that had ended everything. From the sounds of it, most hadn't even been surprised.  
  
They whispered about Dean leaving shortly after and Cas felt his heart squeeze. So that explained why he hadn't seen or heard from the boy. Why suddenly Dean had dropped off the face of the earth yet again. Why Cas was suddenly alone, and yet not so alone.

  
Dean may have abandoned him again, but the rest of the town was still there. Rooting for him and visiting him. Wishing for him to wake up and come back to the world of the living.  
  
Cas wasn't sure what hurt more.   
  
The fact that now he could see how loved he'd been or that once again he'd been left alone by the boy he loved.  
  
Each one sent an ache through his chest that made Cas want to cry. That made him want to curl up in a ball and sob. He could have a life right then and more so, he could be with Dean. He wouldn't have forced Dean to leave again.   
  
Cause deep down, Cas knew it had been his fault that Dean had left in the first place.  
  
All these thoughts crowded his mind and soured any good visit he could have with the people who came. He would sit there, unable to move or speak with them and just wish for Dean. Pray that one day soon his one and only would come back to him.  
  
Even with everyone there, Cas felt so alone.  
  
He wasn't sure how much time passed, but one day he felt a different presence in the room.   
  
Cas was sitting at the table in Clements. Watching his brothers sing karaoke to some song. Dean wasn't there even though Cas knew he should be. The one person he wanted to see was always absent from his memories, like Cas had blocked him.  
  
Seemed he hated himself more than he knew. Either that, or he was protecting himself from painful memories of the past. Either way Cas wanted to see Dean and it drove him insane that he had no way of doing so.  
  
Until recently.  
  
The door of the bar opened and he turned to see who was coming  this time. Fully expecting to see the first two who walked in. Sam and Gabriel. His two most frequent visitors.  
  
Behind them though... Behind them he could just make out one familiar figure and behind that one was another unknown.   
  
The unknown person pushed past the shadowed figure and a redheaded girl entered in, glancing back at the shadow expectantly. She was beautiful and Cas felt his heart squeeze at the information that was being given to him. His mind was cruel. A cruel, cruel being that only wished to see him suffer.  
  
For as the figure walked into the light, Dean Winchester came into view and pushed in behind the group.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally done another one. I know it took longer but I get so much chemistry homework now it isn't even funny... *sigh* hopefully I'll get a handle on it soon so I can write and post faster.  
> Please comment what you think, I love hearing from you guys! And any feedback is great. Plus I feel more compelled to write if I know there are people actually interested.  
>  Thank you all again for reading <3  
> *Disclaimer* I own nothing but the story line.

Cas felt his heart beat faster as Dean entered the room. He stared at him wide eyed, still unsure if what he was seeing was the truth. Could Dean really be there or was it simply just another trick of his mind, a wish that had finally come true.   
  
If he wasn't really wherever Cas was, then maybe he could talk to him. Actually talk to the one person he'd been longing to have appear in his mind since the moment he could think clearly again.  
  
However that was not meant to be.  
  
As Cas gazed at Dean more closely he realized there was a part of him that was different. A little too different in fact. The boy he'd grown up around and grew to love was different. Not personality wise for Cas could see his Dean in his eyes but in appearance. He was older, more mature. Cas couldn't even say what it was exactly but just the way he held himself. A different spark in his eye and the way his face had thinned out.   
  
His body seemed to have filled out more as well. Dean was a better fit to himself now than he ever had been when they were dating. Cas wasn't sure how it had happened, but Dean was even more beautiful now than how he had remembered him.  
  
Even though it hadn't for Cas, life had continued on and passed without him.   
  
That was fine he supposed, he couldn't ask the world to stop spinning just because he'd tried to kill himself. What wasn't fine was the girl who stood next to Dean. A little too close for his tastes...  
  
She was beautiful, long red hair and kind eyes. She was smiling over at Dean as the man stared wide eyed at Cas. The same expression Cas was sure he had mirrored on his own. Whoever she was had a hand on Dean's arm and Cas felt a twinge of jealousy spread through his chest. It would seemed Dean had moved on quickly.   
  
Though, he had to admit that it was almost like the girl had brought Dean here. From the way she was acting, it was the only conclusion that Cas could draw.  
  
Why, Cas wasn't sure. If she was Dean's girlfriend then why would she want him to come and see Cas? Was Cas not a threat to her anymore? How long had they been together?

Cas supposed it really wasn't any of his business but he couldn't help but feel jealous. This girl had gotten more time with Dean. Time that Dean should have been spending with him. They should have been together, happy and starting their lives together.  
  
Instead he was here and Dean was out there, living his life. Making memories, settling down with gorgeous redheads...  
  
Cas watched helplessly as the group left Dean and him alone. In normal circumstances Cas would have cherished this, but now... Now it was only painful. One sided conversations were far from what he wanted. He wanted to talk to Dean, to understand why he had done what he did. Why he'd left after his promise and what he was doing bringing his new girlfriend to come see his old boyfriend...  
  
What he didn't expect was for Dean to break down and start apologizing. Crying and clinging to Cas who could only stare down at him helplessly. He couldn't even wrap his arms around the man, not really. It was heartbreaking to watch Dean suffering and Cas being unable to help him. Suffering because of Cas...  
  
That was the worst part, Dean was hurting because of Cas's actions.  
  
 Cas whispered to him, soft words of comfort that were meaningless. Words that Dean couldn't hear and would never hear. Words that Cas wished he'd said before all this had happened. He'd made a mistake, just as Dean had. They were both in the wrong and now they couldn't even fix what had been destroyed. Dean had a new love, Cas was... Well he assumed comatose but honestly he wasn't sure what was going on. All he knew was that he was unresponsive to those who entered his mind. They must be outside his mind... Somehow.  
  
Cas shook his head and stood up, moving away from Dean. The man didn't seem to notice and Cas closed his eyes tightly. He didn't need to see that. The fact that Dean really didn't see him didn't help his mood at all.  
  
The man couldn't think straight around Dean, he had some things to work out. He needed to think about all the new developments.  
  
From what he could tell it had been at least a few years since he last saw Dean. He wasn't actually sure on the exact amount of time, but that seemed to be the safest bet. After everything that had happened he'd lost Dean again and in an even more extreme way too. Could Cas really trust Dean anymore? Could he trust the boy not to just get up and walk away again?  
  
Maybe, but Cas had a fear that he would always have doubts now. It wouldn't matter what Dean did to prove otherwise.  
  
Dean had broken his trust and that was an almost impossible treasure to reclaim.  
  
He wanted desperately to just forgive Dean. To force himself awake and throw himself into the safety of Dean's arms... But he couldn't. He didn't know how to wake up or what would trigger it. If that was even how it would work. Cas wasn't even sure he asleep was the right word. It seemed the most logical; though, to be honest he wasn't sure what logical even was anymore.  
  
Days continued to pass as normally but Cas didn't feel them that way. He felt each passing day as a wink in time. Barely there, barely important. His life had lost all meaning again, even with Dean's daily visits. The man came and sat beside him, bringing in different objects that he told Cas were supposed to trigger his awakening.   
  
It didn't work but Cas studied closely each one he brought in. Eager to wake up and spend more time with those he loved. Old pictures, his personal possessions. All positive symbols of the life he'd tried to leave behind.   
  
As he gazed down at them, he couldn't help but feel his heart skip. His mind give a slight tug like it wanted to go somewhere else. The items were triggers and they were doing something to his mind, no matter what it might be. If it was anything at all. Dean seemed to have faith in them. It was enough for Cas to at least keep trying. To keep fighting for what he had lost. He saw now that the life he had left was the only part of him that he wanted back. At the moment of his decision to leave, it had all looked hopeless; now though he felt an ache for what he'd parted from.   
  
Suicide wasn't the answer. Cas was stronger than that and he could see that life got better. That part of his life had been a mere blink in the greater masterpiece. The bigger picture of his swirling chaos that he wouldn't trade for anything else.  
  
"I'll come back." Cas whispered to a deaf Dean as they sat on the grass in some park. One they'd spent maybe one date but that had stuck with Cas. "I'll come back and we can work through our problems. This isn't the end Dean... It _isn't_!"  
  
Dean didn't answer, but Cas found he didn't need him to. He was content to just sit there with Dean while the man talked.   
  
He talked about their dates, about the greatest memories he had of them. How they kept him going on his darkest days. How he still loved him...  
  
That was when Cas started to question his girlfriend theory. The way Dean was talking, he made it sound like there hadn't been anyone else since that day. The girl, who he'd learned was named Charlie, was his best friend and roommate. Nothing more.  
  
Dean spoke fondly of her, but not in a romantic way. More like he was speaking of a close friend. Someone who was to be admired and loved. Cas found himself falling for her as well. Thanking her for what she'd done for him, bringing Dean back and taking care of his stubborn love.  
  
Someone had to do it and she seemed to have done a perfect job.  
  
Cas was eternally grateful to her. It sounded like she had been the one who kept him active and didn't let him mope. Dean was clearly very fond of her and even though she was not involved with Dean, Cas couldn't help but feel the slightest bit jealous.  
  
She had gotten more time with Dean than he had after all.  
  
He shook that off though, he was enjoying his strange one sided time with Dean right then. There was no time to be bitter. Who knew how much longer Dean would stay in town this time. It sounded like he planned on staying permanently, but Cas wasn't holding his breath.  
  
"I know you always loved the burgers at the Roadhouse." Dean was saying as he produced one of his mom's famous burgers "We never got to eat one together, though we talked about it. There just wasn't enough time..." He paused, his breath catching before saying "I thought you might like one..."  
  
He was right. Cas wanted it desperately, the smell was driving him crazy. It had been forever since he'd smelt that amazing scent of well cooked meat and all his favourite veggies and sauces that went with it. Only Dean knew exactly how he ate them. Dean loved the burgers there as well, they'd planned on going there together during the break. After the party. His mom would have let them in fine, not suspecting anything.   
  
Maybe curious as to why her son was hanging out with his older brother's friend, but nothing more than that. She had known to leave Cas alone when he wanted it. He'd share when he was ready and not a second sooner. She'd been the only one who'd truly known him.  
  
Even Dean didn't know him as well as he thought he did. They still had so much to learn about each other.   
  
"The thing is... You need to wake up to eat it..." Dean was saying as Cas refocused on the conversation "I need you to wake up Cas..."  
  
Cas strained against the restraints that seemed to weigh him down, desperate to get to that place where he'd find Dean. The weights held him firm though, something whispering that it wasn't time, it wasn't time.   
  
Well when would be the time?  
  
Would his mind ever let him leave it's confines?  
  
The one question he kept asking himself. Could he actually escape this dark hole? Or was that miracle a fiction that the movies had created simply to give the audiences a happy ending? Were happy endings even a part of the real world?  
  
Cas truly hoped not. He'd rather die than stay like this. Awake and yet not awake at all. Alive, but not living a single day.  
  
It was hell. True hell.  
  
When only silence met Dean's ears, the man lay his head on Cas's chest. His body shaking but no sobs or tears gave way his emotions. "I'm so sorry Cas, I should have been here. If I'd gotten into that bathroom sooner. If I'd just stood up to John  sooner... You'd be alive and I would have you beside me. Like we should be... Like it was meant to be..."  
  
Cas frowned and traced Dean's face lightly, knowing Dean would not feel a single touch. He wanted to reassure him that it wasn't his fault, but he knew that would be a lie. No, not a lie, just not completely untrue.  
  
While it was true if Dean had stood up to his dad and kept seeing Cas he would have never felt the need to relapse. Then again, Cas understood why he'd done it. For Sam. It was always Sam. Cas had no issue with Dean's family coming first, that's all he'd known before Cas, but he did wish Dean had thought above it... Just for once.   
  
Then there was the fact that Cas himself should have been stronger. If he'd been able to shut his mind up he never would have fallen that low. He could have moved on and found someone else to spend his time with, his life. Someone else who he could be worthy of. Someone else he could love.   
  
He hadn't though. He'd stayed hung up on one man and that had led to his downfall.  
  
No, it wasn't all Dean's fault. Just as it wasn't all his fault. They both had a hand in it. Others had come between them and they'd both been too afraid to push on. Cas couldn't blame Dean for wanting to protect his brother... He could blame him for other parts but not that. Never because of Sam. Cas knew how important Sam was in Dean's life. Family was everything to Dean. All they needed to do was forget about all that had happened and move on.  
  
They could move on. The love they had was stronger than petty fights... Right?  
  
Of course Cas wasn't sure. He didn't know what had changed, or if anything had changed over the time that they'd once again been apart. Dean could've decided he wanted someone else, he could have felt bad that he left and come back to still any guilt he might've felt. Cas couldn't be positive about any of this until he woke up... If he ever woke up.  
  
Did he even need to wake up? Was he already dead and this was Heaven? Doomed to watch and never interact again?  
  
If so, he hated it.  
  
Cas hated not knowing what was going on. He hated not knowing if he was alive or not. Hated seeing all his memories over and over like some elongated dance. A dance of horrors. If he could only make some contact with someone, anyone, he'd feel much better. He knew he would.  
  
He looked over at Dean once more and wished for what he couldn't have. The food still sat there on the grass and Dean was crying again. Not the loud sobs he'd witnessed before but just silent tears that made Cas's heart squeeze. He heard a strange beating speed up, interrupting there time. He looked around the park, trying to find where it was coming from. He didn't remember there being beeping in this memory.  
  
Dean looked up in surprise and looked at something invisible to the left of Cas. His eyes lit up and he rushed away, yelling for, what Cas thought was, a doctor. He wasn't sure why Dean would be so excited over some mysterious beeping but soon he came back in with someone Cas had never seen before and his face was distorted and fuzzy.   
  
Panic set in as he stared at the mysterious figure and the beeping grew louder still. The figure spoke but it sounded as if he were underwater, muffled and deep. Cas felt like he was trapped in one of those awful horror movies he used to watch.   
  
There was an urgent tugging sensation all around him, he felt himself being lifted and his muscles were stiff and unsure. He felt his mind starting to go blank and wondered if this was what it was like to finally die.   
  
His body failing him and his mind finally shutting down forever.   
  
If it was, it wasn't that unpleasant... Almost like falling....


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spring Break!! So maybe I'll get another up soon before I go away for a little. *fingers crossed* guys  
> Please comment what you think. Thank you all again for reading <3  
> *Disclaimer* I own nothing but the story line.

Dean's hands were in fists as he watched the doctors work and walk out of the room. They assured him that Cas was stable now and he should be fine. It was just the body starting to fail, his mind starting to deteriorate.   
  
Dean wasn't sure if that was good news or bad.   
  
If Cas's mind was starting to, would he ever wake up? Were they telling him that Cas... That Cas was actually dying? They'd said he'd be fine though! That Dean didn't have to worry, that Cas's family didn't have to worry cause he'd wake up soon!  
  
So why was his body trying to take him away?  
  
Was there some internal bleeding the doctors had missed? Was his mind starting to fade away and stop? Maybe some other problem that Dean was not smart enough to understand....  
  
Whatever the reason, Dean just had to pray that Cas would wake up soon.  
  
The doctors shooed Dean away later that day, telling him that they'd be sure to call him if anything happened. They'd started forcing him away earlier and earlier... He wasn't sure if they just wanted him gone or if Cas was really starting to disappear and they didn't want him there to see it.  
  
No! No, he couldn't think that way. Cas would be okay... He would be okay...  
  
"You know if you keep frowning like that your face will freeze that way." Charlie noted, forcing him to look in her direction.  
  
Dean sighed and shook his head "At this point I don't really care."  
  
Charlie moved closer to him and placed a hand on his knee "Come on Dean, force a smile. For me?"  
  
He rolled his eyes at her and forced a small smile to his lips. It didn't come out as carefree as it once had, but it seemed to satisfy her. He hadn't truly smiled since the day he found out Cas wasn't dead... Merely in a coma. A coma that apparently now might be killing him.  
  
The smile disappeared as he remembered why he wasn't in the room with him. Instead in a park where people passed, waving amiably at friends and even them. None of them knew the pain he was in, or how much he hated himself for what he'd done to Cas. How could they be so happy when there was so much pain in this world?  
  
"Oh would you _stop_!" Charlie complained and nudged him with her elbow "You're driving me crazy with that moping face! So you got kicked out of the room, it was probably for the best. You've been there every day since you found out he was alive! The nurses are concerned for your mental health Dean, that's all."  
  
"I'm not. I just want to be there when Cas wakes up."  
  
"You will be, but for now you need a break. Okay? Just try and enjoy the weather and my wonderful company." Charlie replied with a sigh.  
  
Dean cracked a real smile then, eyeing Charlie from the corner of his eye. She always knew how to cheer him up, no matter how much he didn't want to be. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. Her head landed gently on his shoulder as they watched the people passing by.  
  
They sat in silence for a good portion of the day, not wanting to move. If he couldn't be sitting beside Cas, Dean didn't see the point of going about his day. Acting like everything was normal when it obviously wasn't. He couldn't pretend, and he didn't _want_ to pretend!  
  
Eventually Charlie made Dean stand up and dragged him to one of the restaurants in town. Sam met them there with Gabriel and Balthazar. Dean was reluctant to go in when he saw who was there. It wasn't like there was any bad blood left between them, but he still felt like their brother's condition was his fault... Which he supposed it was. Charlie ended up shoving him saying that he had to eat, and that Cas would want him to stay healthy. Plus where was the harm in seeing a few old friends?  
  
Dean didn't bother arguing.  
  
Sam's eyes lit up when he saw his brother walk in. He jumped up to meet him, wrapping his arms around Dean in a hug. Dean all but crumbled into the embrace. He knew he could always count on his brother to be happy to see him. If no one else in the world was with him, at least Sammy would be there.  
  
The whole meal passed by in a blur. People chatted amiably and the food smelled amazing. Dean knew he ate, but he couldn't remember anything about it. Life felt like a blur. Gabriel and Balthazar tried to engage him in the conversation and Dean did for a little to be polite; though, his mind was still back at the hospital with Castiel.  
  
Wondering if the man had woken up, if maybe he was alone, if he was wondering why no one was there to greet him.  
  
Dean's heart squeezed and he quickly excused himself when the meal was finished. The nurses couldn't keep him out. He'd taken a day away from Cas, now he had to go check on him. That was all his life had come to now. Time off from work, and watching over the boyfriend he should have never let go.  
  
Cas was still asleep when he got there, but the nurses told him there had been some brain activity that suggested he'd wake up soon. They couldn't give him an exact time though. At least now Dean knew there was hope.   
  
He sat beside the angel, holding his hand tightly. Others came by to sit with him. Waiting there through the night. No one expected them to come home and if they did they said nothing. It was hard to sit there with an, but unresponsive, person who they all loved and missed.  
  
It was early the next morning that Dean felt his heart skip a beat.  
  
He'd fallen asleep with his hand clutching at Cas's. Taking in the comfort of the familiar hand as he dozed in the chair, head on the bed. He was still in the depths of sleep when he felt a movement on the bed.  
  
He groaned in annoyance muttering "Cas... Stop, it's too early to be up..."  
  
"Is it? I thought it was late..." A hoarse reply came.  
  
Dean's eyes snapped open and his head jerked upwards to see dark blue eyes blinking sleepily at him. They were wide and glassy from the drugs, but there were open! Cas's hair was tousled and sticking up at odd ends around the pillow. His face was pale and sunken from the lack of body fat... but he was alive!  
  
"Cas?!" Dean exclaimed, jumping up in joy "Cas you're alive, you're awake!"  
  
The boy smiled at him, "Yes..." Cas paused then said in a soft voice Dean almost didn't hear him, "Cas... that's my name right?" He looked around, what looked like confusion clouding in his eyes "And.. Where am I? I was.. I was at a lake... I think with a green eyed boy.." He glanced back up at Dean "He looked a lot like you."  
  
Dean's face fell, tears starting to prick at his eyes "Cas? You... You know who I am don't you?"  
  
"No," Came the heartbreaking reply "Should I?"  
  
"Well, uh... Yeah..." Dean whispered as the others began to stir. He sat back in the chair while Cas continued to blink at him with no recognition or love in his eyes like he'd come to know. How could this have happened? Had his brain been damaged from having been dead for so long? How long could a brain be dead before it started to deteriorate anyway?  
  
Would Cas always be this way?  
  
He didn't have a chance to ponder it more. Cries of joy went up and Cas's brothers were up and hugging him, even if he wasn't responding to their joy.   
  
Gabriel and Balthazar pulled back a moment after only to have the same fallen face reaction Dean had. The look in Cas's eyes were distant and confused. He smiled warmly at them, but it wasn't he smile Dean had come to know whenever Cas looked at someone he loved. There was none of his past brooding, or sneer he gave to the world. He was... different....  
  
"Thank you... I think, but could I ask who you are before we celebrate anymore?" Cas asked with a polite smile.  
  
Before Gabriel could respond, doctors and nurses came in and took over, pushing them all out. They gathered in the hallway, waiting for someone to come out and tell them what the fuck was going on.  
  
Gabriel was vibrating as he stood beside Sam. "He doesn't know who we are..."  
  
"It's probably just temporary," Sam soothed his boyfriend, taking his hand.  
  
Dean nodded, of course. Sam was right. It must be temporary... Cas hadn't permanently forgotten his life. Who he was, who they were... What had happened.

This had to be a temporary problem that they would all get through together. Before Dean had to go back home. To the life he'd set up there, to the friends he'd made, to work... Away from where Cas was and everyone he loved.  
  
"It'll be fine..." Sam whispered again, for everyone's benefit. Even if they all knew he was lying.  
  
The doctor came out several minutes later to find all of them sitting in the waiting room, looking miserable. A moment that should have been exciting for all of them turned sour.  
  
He smiled at them sympathetically and said to Castiel's brothers, "I've called your parents and they'll be here soon. I'll explain the situation to them, but if you wish I can tell you before they arrive. You should probably go home and rest anyway." He took their silence as a cue to continue "Castiel has suffered a much more severe brain damage than we originally thought. When he was revived his brain had already begun to die. The memory part of his lobe has been severely oxygen deprived over the course of him being in a coma. It's a miracle he's awake at all..."  
  
Dean sat there listening with an expression of horror on his face. Cas was... No...  
  
"There, of course, is the possibility that he will regain his memories with treatments and counselling. Though I cannot give any concrete answers or solutions at this point."  The doctor continued. "I'm sorry, I know this isn't what you wanted to hear." He ran a hand through his greying hair "Castiel should be released in a couple weeks. We want to monitor him for a little while. Be sure the memory loss is the only problem."  
  
Gabriel nodded and stood, offering the doctor his hand "Thanks Doc, we'll be in touch."  
  
"I expect nothing less." The doctor smile and walked back to Castiel's room.  
  
The golden eyed man heaved a sigh and looked at the people sitting around him "We should be going, there's nothing we can do here. Mom and Dad will be here soon and they'll watch over Cassie, until then Doc's right, we could always use some real rest."  
  
Dean wasn't sure how much rest he'd actually be getting, but he didn't argue. Sitting here with a man who didn't' remember him would only bring him pain. Yet he still snuck back over to the room before he left. To just see him, just see Cas once more before he went home.  
  
The blue eyed angel he'd come to love was sitting up, letting the doctors do several tests on him. He was cheerful and friendly with them, not at all the Castiel, Dean had known. The memory loss had... Freed him somehow. He didn't have the same burdens he'd once had weighing down on his mind. He could think of happier things without the weight of his emotions hanging over him.  
  
Maybe... Maybe it was better if Cas didn't remember him. Maybe it was better if he recovered and started a new life. One that wasn't laced with pain and loss. One that didn't involve Dean Winchester and the shit he always seemed to bring into people's lives...   
  
With that, Dean walked away from the room. He hurried after his friends, planning the next few days and what he'd need to go back home.  



	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another one done! Woot!! Took a long time, but I did it. This story is getting close to the end. So the next two chapters will be longer, and will take longer. Spring Break is over in a week and I will be away so no time to work on a new chapter. Then back to the craziness with school. BUT I will work on it so stick with me!  
> Please comment what you think. Thank you all again for reading <3  
> *Disclaimer* I own nothing but the story line.

"You're what?" Charlie exclaimed as she stood in the doorway of Dean's room. Her arms crossed over her chest and eyes glaring at him "You're such an idiot Winchester! You practically own the garage, they aren't going to fire you!"  
  
"I have to go." Dean said simply "You can stay if you want. I'll pay for your bus ride home."  
  
"Why? Why do you have to go so fucking badly?" Charlie demanded, walking into the room.  
  
Dean heaved a sigh and sat back from where he'd been packing his bags. It had been two days since Cas had been released, with little to no change with his memory. It hurt to go over to Cas's house, only to have him vaguely know him. The most Cas knew was that Dean had visited him at the hospital multiple times. He knew nothing about the life they had once had together.  
  
He turned to face his friend, scratching the back of his head nervously "I just can't deal with it... I don't know what to do around him! I've tried to jog his memory, but the most he's remembered so far is the kind of food he loves!"  
  
Charlie rolled her eyes and sat beside him on the bed "This kind of thing takes time Dean. You need to be patient with Cas. He needs us here now more than ever. You can't walk out on him! Not again!"  
  
Dean glared at her "Don't pull that crap."  
  
"It's the truth isn't it?"  
  
"Doesn't mean you have to say it!"  
  
She crossed her arms again "Clearly I do Dean, since you're being such an idiot!"  
  
The man groaned and lay back on the bed. He didn't want to deal with this. He wanted to get out of town and not deal with the ache that was growing in his chest. He'd been through enough, hadn't he? Couldn't the world give him a fucking break?  
  
"I've lost him again Charlie... It doesn't matter what  I do now." Dean said softly "I look at him, and I see the boy I fell in love with... But it isn't him! Not really at least. He's different..."  
  
Charlie arched an eyebrow at her friend "So you're leaving the poor boy because of that? Shallow aren't we, Winchester?"  
  
"Shut up, you wouldn't know how this feels!" Dean said angrily, looking away from her.  
  
Charlie fell silent and Dean stubbornly focused his gaze on the wall. It seemed like hours passed before the redhead finally spoke again. "You're wrong Dean. I know exactly how this feels. Maybe not the whole amnesia thing, but I lost someone once too."  
  
That made Dean turn around. Charlie hardly ever talked about her past, and Dean never pushed it. He knew the girl had a painful back story. They'd both promised each other never to talk about the past... Until now at least. It was amazing how quickly their lives had changed.  
  
"I didn't know... I'm sorry..." Dean said awkwardly as he sat up, "What happened?"  
  
"She decided she needed to go somewhere else. She cut all ties with everyone, said she had a whole new world to discover. Really I think she was trying to escape her dad." Charlie explained in a pained voice "He was kind of crazy... He set all these crazy expectations and she... She just  couldn't follow them. She didn't want to live the life he never had. She wanted her own." Charlie glanced down at Dean "I'm sure you understand that."  
  
Dean nodded slowly, "I'm sorry Charlie."  
  
Charlie shrugged "Whatever, I got over her. Now I have Gilda. Life goes on."  
  
"So what can't I move on?"  
  
"Because Cas still needs you," Charlie replied firmly "And you clearly still need him."  
  
She was right, at least on his front. He did need Cas. He had since the day the man had tried to take his own life. He wasn't convinced that Cas needed him though, he had a whole group of people who were there to love and support him. What was one other person? One who had fucked up his life in the first place?  
  
Cas didn't need that in his life, as much as it pained Dean to realize that. Dean would always want Cas, but that didn't mean the man would feel the same way. Especially when he remembered all that had happened. Cas would probably shove Dean to the curb anyway. He didn't want to be here for that.  
  
His one love not remembering him was almost a gift. At least this way he wouldn't need to see the inevitable hate in Cas's eyes.  
  
Charlie snapped her fingers in front of his eyes "You're obviously thinking about lies, so spill. What's going through that giant empty head of yours?"  
  
Dean glared at her before saying "Yes, I need Cas. I may always need him. He was more than just my boyfriend. But Cas is safe now. He's with those who can actually protect him and give him the love he deserves. Something I'll probably never be able to do."  
  
"How much bullshit have you convinced yourself of Dean?" Charlie asked, sadness clouding her dark eyes. "Seriously, what else have you managed to tell yourself that justifies you walking away again?"  
  
"Only what I needed to." Dean replied, meeting her eyes evenly.  
  
"You're a piece of work Winchester..." Charlie whispered as she stood up and stormed away from him.  
  
Dean watched her go sadly but made no move to follow her. If she was going to be mad at him, fine. But he wasn't going to change his plans just because Charlie thought it was a bad idea. How could she know? She'd only just found out about his whole fucked up life less than a month ago!  
  
He was almost done packing when his phone started buzzing. Dean reached over and blinked in surprise when he saw who the caller ID declared it was.   
  
Castiel.  
  
Dean's button hovered over the Reject Call button, but he did want to hear Cas's voice again before he left. Just once wouldn't hurt, it would probably make this easier... So he moved his finger over and clicked Accept.  
  
"Hello?" He asked hesitantly.  
  
"Uh, hi. Is this Dean?" The deep familiar voice said on the other line.  
  
Dean felt his heart rate increase. His throat closed and he couldn't speak. The silence that filled the room was deafening as he sat there stunned.  
  
The voice on the phone said again "Dean? Do I... Do I have the right number?"  
  
With a loud cough, Dean cleared his throat and said "Yes! Yes, uh this is Dean. Cas?"  
  
"Yes it's me. I was going through what my parents say is my old phone... They thought it might help bring back some of my memories." Cas explained, "Seems you were pretty important to me. There are a lot of text messages... Mostly one sided over the last few years."  
  
Dean felt a blush creep into his cheeks. After what had happened he'd gotten drunk a few nights and texted Cas's phone. Praying against any hope that maybe he'd get an answer. He never did, and eventually stopped trying. Deep down he'd known Cas would never receive them... Or at least he'd thought he knew that.  
  
"Uh yeah... I uh... I missed you." Dean muttered awkwardly "I was drunk."  
  
Cas's voice seemed disappointed "Oh..." He paused "Were we... Together?"  
  
The man hesitated. Yes they had been together but... In the last few months before Cas tried to off himself, had they really been a couple? Could they still be classified as that?  
  
What was he supposed to say? If he said no, he might lose Cas. If said yes, it may open doors he wasn't ready to talk about yet. Not now. Not now that he had to leave. Dean couldn't afford to open old wounds and comfort Cas through his stupidity.  
  
"Uh yeah... Yeah Cas we were." He finally said. No use lying to the man. He'd find out eventually from someone else. It wasn't like it was a big secret anymore, not in the families at least. If Cas found out he lied, it would only make it worse.  
  
Silence filled the other end and Dean waited nervously for the man's response. He could feels his nerves dying off as he waited for Cas's fateful answer.  
  
There was a soft clearing a throat and Cas's faint voice saying "But... We aren't anymore?"  
  
"That's uh... That's a complicated Cas." Dean replied, pinching the bridge of his nose. How was he supposed to explain all this to Cas? He'd fucked up, there wasn't much more to it. He had messed up and Cas had paid the price. Someone else always paid the price for his mistakes... As long as he was around, there was always another person who got hurt. "A really long story."  
  
"I have time."  
  
_Of course you do..._ Dean thought with a small smile. "Another time, I mean you just woke up! You probably have lots to do. A lot changes in three years."  
  
"I suppose so. I'd still like to spend time with you and Sam." Cas replied "It seems you two were a big part of my life. Before um... Well before the coma."  
  
Dean paused before asking "Cas? Do... Do you remember why you were in a coma?"  
  
Cas let out a soft sound of pain and Dean immediately regretted bringing it up. This wasn't something you discussed over the phone. He quickly covered it up by saying "You know what, I'm not busy right now. Do you want to meet somewhere? We can uh... Talk. See if you can remember anything."  
  
"I'd like that." Cas replied, his voice soft.  
  
"Okay, I'll be at your place in ten minutes."  
  
"Okay." Cas said and hung up.  
  
Dean sat back with a sigh, looked like packing was just going to have to wait. He stood up and headed for the door, ignoring the calls from his family. He had other things to work on.   
  
He ran all the way to the Cas's house and reached it a little bit sooner than he'd said. Panting the slightest, Dean rung the doorbell and waited for an answer. When it came, Jo opened the front door. Her eyes widened at the sight of Dean but she said nothing. She stepped aside and let him through.  
  
Dean thanked her and stood in the entrance hall. Jo ran into the house, calling for her brother. When Cas came around the corner, Dean felt his heart skip a beat. The man was dressed how Dean remembered him, minus the makeup. His hair ruffled and bright blue eyes lit up with joy. He was happy and Dean wanted him to stay that way. He didn't want to tell the man about everything he used to hate about his life. He didn't want that light to disappear from his eyes.

Cas walked over to Dean, a wide smile curving on his lips. He stood in front of the man, bouncing on his heels.   
  
"Hi," He greeted warmly.  
  
"Hey Cas.." Dean nodded "You look great."  
  
The man grinned, cheeks going pink "Thanks." He looked over at his little sister and said "Dean and I are going out, tell mom? I'll be home later."  
  
Jo nodded and flung her arms around her brother "Okay, see you later."  
  
Cas gave her a small nod and followed Dean out into the cool air. Dean had to resist the urge to wrap his arm around the shorter man. The feeling of them walking down the street was all too familiar in his mind. This was how they were supposed to be... Together. Nothing stopping them, no fears.  
  
The man gazed around the town, like he was discovering it for the first time. Though, Dean supposed that he was. He probably had no recollection of this place at all. Everything was new. All of it stranger to him.   
  
That small ache that had been in his chest grew. He couldn't believe that he had to deal with this. All the amazing memories they'd created just gone. Vanished from his mind forever. How the hell had this happened? Why had this happened? It wasn't fair! Dean had gone through enough shit for a lifetime! He just wanted something to go right for once!  
  
"Dean?" Cas said hesitantly after they'd walked for several minutes. "I... I just wanted to apologize for everything... I know this isn't exactly what you wanted. And I swear I'm trying to remember, but I just... I have a block."  
  
Dean felt his heart break and he gently put a hand on Cas's shoulder "It's not your fault Cas, I mean... Really it's mine."  
  
"How is this your fault?" Cas asked him with a frown.  
  
"I... I... It.. We..." Dean stuttered. He paused in his thought process as the two came to a small park. He led Cas over to he a bench and took a deep breath. He gazed around at the trees and small lake in front of them. It glistened in the bright sunlight with small ducks floating around on the surface.  
  
He glanced over at Cas's expectant expression and bit his lower lip. How was he supposed to explain this?  
  
"Look Cas, this is a really long story. At the end of it you'll probably hate me, but I guess you deserve to know the truth." Dean replied in a soft voice. He took another deep breath and launched into the explanation of their life three years earlier. "We've known each other for a long time. I'm friends with your older brothers. We both had crushes on each other and I asked you out three years ago."  
  
Dean paused and then continued "We were so happy, for months we were. You were shy, distant and barely talked to anyone. You had your... Your problems but I was there for you. I would never have let anyone hurt you..." Dean looked over at Cas and said "I fucked up, I left you alone...  My dad threatened me and I wasn't strong enough to defy him. And I'm so sorry Cas. I-I'm so sorry... You killed yourself."  
  
Cas's eyes widened as the story went on. He didn't move from where he sat, but Dean could see the horror in his eyes. His eyes trailed down to his wrists and the long scars that were there. The man's bright eyes dimmed, watering slightly.  
  
"So... That's where these came from..." Cas whispered when Dean finished talking. He glanced back at the man "I don't... I almost can't believe that."  
  
"I know, and I'm so sorry Cas. I should have been there for you, I should have done what was right." Dean replied, leaning forward "I got scared, but I had no reason to! You are the only one for me, and I know I don't deserve you."  
  
"I don't remember who you are." Cas repeated apologetically. "And... If you don't mind... I would prefer if we stayed away from each other. Just for awhile, this is a lot to process."  
  
Dean stared at the grass below him, he should have known this would happen. Why did he think it would end differently? His hands clenched into fists and he said "Yeah I understand, I'm sorry. I will never stop being sorry... Take all the time you need."  
  
_I probably won't be here anyway..._   
  
Cas smiled at the man and stood up "Thanks for helping me out Dean... Really. I didn't knew there was something up, but no one would tell me."  
  
Dean laughed "Guess you can see why now."  
  
"Yes I can..." Cas replied, his smile fading. He brightened up a moment after "Anyway I should be going. See you around Dean." He waved a goodbye and wandered off.  
  
The man watched him disappear and then stood up. He headed back home, ready to keep packing if he had to. Cas hated him, that was all there was to it. What else was he supposed to do? Stay and be forced to run into him all the time? No, he didn't need that kind of torture.  
  
"I'm sorry Cas... I love you." Dean whispered, looking behind him. "You deserve better." He headed off down the street, back home where he had people who loved him there. He needed his family... He needed people who would lie and tell him that it all would turn out okay. He just needed a simple lie.  
  
Back at home his mom had dinner ready, and his family sitting in the dining room waiting. When he walked through the door he heard Sam call from the table "Hey, Dean! Come on, you're just in time!"  
  
With a wide smile on his face he hurried and slid into a spot beside Charlie and his brother. His father smiled warmly at him, welcoming him with a curt nod. Dean nodded back and looked toward the kitchen where his mom was bringing in the meal. It was a normal night at the Winchester house, all of them gathered together.   
  
It made him feel better, especially after what had happened today.  
  
Throughout the dinner the chatter was cheerful  and carefree. Dean opted out, his mind not really with them. He wanted to eat and get out, room or whatnot. He just wanted to be alone...  
  
"Dean?" His mom asked "What do you think?"  
  
"What?" Dean replied, looking up and blinking in confusion. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear."  
  
Mary smiled sympathetically at him "You seem distracted. What's on your mind dear?"  
  
Dean shook his head "I.. I uh went to see Cas today."  
  
"Oh?" She asked happily, while the rest of him family went silent. "How did that go? Is he doing better? I'm so glad he's awake."  
  
"He's fine," Dean assured her "He asked me what happened, so I told her. But he decided it would best if we didn't see each other for awhile."  
  
Mary frowned "Oh I'm sorry, I know he meant a lot to you."  
  
"It's fine, it's better this way."  
  
"No it's not." Sam chimed in "It's not! You and Cas are perfect together. Everyone knows it! He'll come around Dean, you know he will."  
  
Dean smiled at his brother "Thanks Sammy... I hope you're right."  
  
He did, he really did...  



	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just as I promised. Another chapter and longer than the last! The last one will be either this length or longer. I don't know yet. I will get to it! I promise! Until then, enjoy this chapter.  
> Please review what you think. Thank you all again for reading <3  
> *Disclaimer* I own nothing but the story line.

Cas lay on his bed with a frown on his lips. It was early in the morning, maybe around three? He wasn't sure, and he didn't have the energy to sit up and check his phone. It had been weeks since he'd seen Dean, or anyone of the Winchester family really. Gabriel went out of the house to hang out with Sam. While Cas appreciated that, it really wasn't necessary. He had no bad memories of Sam... Then again he had no memory of anyone. Good or bad.  
  
All except for Dean. Which, in truth, weren't even memories. They were simply echoes of what Dean had told him. Of all they'd shared and all the pain that had been brought on by their relationship. One Cas found himself aching for, all the while not sure exactly what he missed.   
  
The whole situation was incredibly frustrating.  
  
After everything that Dean had told him, Cas couldn't find it in his heart to be angry. To hate Dean or even himself. He just... He just didn't. Dean was a good person, he was a good person who'd horrible things happen to him. That wasn't something he could control. Bad things happened... That's all there was to it. Cas couldn't blame him for that.  
  
Still, even with this in mind Cas couldn't bring himself to talk to Dean. He needed some time to sort through all the confusing emotions he had inside him. The brief flashbacks of a life he used to have, the strong feelings he got whenever around certain people or a certain place, the pain he sometimes felt inside of him.  
  
Cas could tell he felt better than before the coma, but after what Dean had explained a lot had become clear as well. The scars, the dark thoughts that sometimes passed through his mind, the clothing choices he'd discovered in his closet. It all made sense now. He didn't want it to, but it did.  
  
Even with all this reasoned out in his mind, Cas found it impossible to sleep. And if he did manage to fall asleep, it only lasted about an hour or two. He felt exhausted and lost. The dreams he had every time he closed his eyes scared him. He didn't know if they were constructs of his imagination or memories that were trying to come through.  
  
The doctors had said his memory might come back with time. They, however, hadn't told him it would make him uneasy and cause great confusion. They'd just said the memories would trickle back in with time. Maybe. They'd also said there was the chance he'd never get them back.  
  
Cas hadn't been sure which he'd prefer. Never having them back and starting  a new life, or remembering who he was and fixing any mistakes he'd made. Either way, it seemed he was getting the worst of both worlds.  
  
His dreams consisted mostly of Dean. Of the times they'd had and how happy Cas had been with him. He loved those parts, he loved seeing the memories of himself and the man who clearly made him happier than anyone in the world. If that was all the dreams were, Cas would be fine with them. It might even help him to forgive Dean and in turn himself. But they never ended happy. The ending of his dreams always ended with blood, with a sharp sting along his skin, with yelling and tears. The emotions were so raw that each time the man awoke with tears rolling down his cheeks.  
  
After that, he refused to go back to sleep.  
  
Cas didn't want to risk the dreams again, so he stayed awake. He lay there staring at the ceiling and wondering what to do. He had a great life, his family loved him and took care of him. They never tried to push him into something that might make him uncomfortable, and they answered most questions. They refused to talk about hi reason for going into the coma. It was the reason why Cas was grateful to Dean. Without him, he'd always have that one hole in his mind.  
  
Though there were times now that he wondered if it might have been better not knowing. Of going back to how things were. Dating Dean, being around his family, spending time with those he loved. That could have been okay, right?   
  
Yes, of course. Cas had the feeling though that Dean would've slipped and told him anyway. It had obviously been weighing on the man. It was probably better that he'd found out before he'd considered trying it again with Dean. If he'd somehow gotten attached to the man, it would have been harder to decide what he wanted.  
  
Of course, that was still hard right now. Cas didn't know what he wanted. No, that wasn't true. Cas wanted to be happy, he just didn't know what he should do to make sure he had that.   
  
The obvious choice that kept coming up was with Dean. Sure Cas understood why, but he didn't even know the man. How was he supposed to pretend that he did? Dean would want it to be like before the coma. Cas couldn't blame him for wanting that. It made sense, Dean knew Cas a certain way.  Obviously he would want Cas to be that way.  
  
As nice as that would be, Cas knew it wasn't possible. Even if he did get his memories back he would never be the same person he once was. Maybe that was a good thing. From the sounds of it Cas hadn't been the happiest person, nor had he been very close with his family. He liked that both those things had changed. If Dean didn't, well then maybe he and Dean weren't meant to be anymore.  
  
Strangely the mere thought of that sent a spark of agony through Cas. He felt tears well in his eyes and he clenched the sheets below him tightly. His whole body had stiffened at the notion of not having Dean in his life. If the beautiful green eyed man from his dreams wasn't there, then who else would take Cas for who he was?  
  
Life wasn't fair... Cas was finally starting realize that.   
  
Maybe old Cas had known  and that's why he had so much pain. Maybe old Cas had been smart to try and get out. Maybe new Cas should take a lesson...  
  
Cas immediately pushed the thought aside. He wasn't going down that road again! He had a new life, and he could do something good with it! He could make it different.  
  
Heaving a weary sigh, the man sat up and got out of bed. He wouldn't be sleeping anymore tonight anyway. He might as well get a start to his day. Cas had a full schedule, just as he'd had every day since waking up.  
  
He wanted to get caught up on school without actually having to go back to school. So his mom was homeschooling him. She was taking some time off from the bar and his dad was taking double shifts. Luckily his books were selling so they had a decent income coming in. Besides, this way he was relearning in a way that worked for him. The more they reviewed, the more Cas remembered. Maybe not about his own life, but of what he'd been learning.  
  
The doctors couldn't explain that one... Go figure.  
  
School kept him distracted though. Gave him something to focus on that didn't frustrate or confuse him. There were a few subjects that annoyed him, but for the most part he had no problem with any of it. It was a relief to know he was good at _something_! His mom even claimed that he was doing better than before the coma.  
  
Lost his memories, gained massive intelligence.   
  
Yay?  
  
Cas ran a hand through his hair, grabbed his phone, and trudged down to the kitchen. The lights were off and the silence around him was absolute. Not even a car could be heard driving outside. He collapsed into a chair at their dining room table and stared at the rectangle electronic in front of him.  
  
Weeks of silence . Not a single text from Dean. Cas couldn't help but feel disappointed that the man hadn't at least tried to contact him.  
  
Yes he'd been the one to ask for the space, and he appreciated it, but Dean didn't seem like the type to give up that easily. Had he decided Cas wasn't worth it? Did he think Cas hated him? If he did, Cas had to assure him that that wasn't the case!  
  
How was he supposed to tell him that, while still trying to figure out what he wanted? Was it even possible?  
  
Cas groaned and pressed the heel of his hands to his eyes. He didn't know what to think anymore. Everything was just so confusing!  
  
He toyed with his phone, tracing the outline and debating what to do. He hadn't heard any news about what the Winchesters were doing, except for one piece of troubling gossip.  
  
He'd been out with his brothers for a drink when he heard someone talking about Dean. Cas hadn't seen who it was, but he caught a glimpse of red hair and a dark haired girl standing next to the first. He'd stopped where he was and listened closely. Cas's eyes had widened when he heard what the girl was talking about. Dean was planning on leaving...  
  
After hearing all about his plans, Cas had been tempted to call him and tell him to stay. That this was his home too, he didn't have to leave... That Cas didn't really want him to. Not until he got his feelings all sorted out. Then he'd thought better of it. If Dean wanted to leave, Cas really had no claim to him. He couldn't make him stay and if he didn't give Dean a reason to stay then why would he?  
  
Cas couldn't tell Dean what he wanted, not without contradicting himself at least. Dean understood he was sure, but still he felt guilty for not being clear with the man. He owed him at least an explanation before he high tailed it out of town.  
  
But what was he supposed to say?  
  
_Don't go? I need time but I don't want you to leave? You're the only solid connection I have to my past right now and if you leave I fear I will never get my memories back?_ Cas didn't think so. It all sounded so selfish and if Dean really wanted out then who was he to stop him?  
  
The man shook his head and lay it down on the table with a heavy sigh. He didn't know what to do. He just wanted to know what he should do! It was frustrating sitting here every night, awoken from dreams he had no control over, and wondering what had happened to make his life so hellish.  
  
It felt like he was being punished, day after day. Going into the town and having people come up to him. Greet him warmly and welcome him back, but Cas couldn't tell them the same. He didn't know  them but he had to lie. He couldn't tell them how fucked up his brain was now. They'd only feel awkward for coming to talk to him in the first place.  
  
Life may be better than before the coma, but it was much more frustrating.  
  
He checked the time on his phone again with a heavy sigh. It was too early in the morning to call anyone. Or do anything really. But Cas just really needed to get out of the house. He needed something to clear his head and see if he could find answers to the millions of questions that were now constantly swirling in his brain.  
  
Finally Cas couldn't take the feeling of being locked in and stood. He quietly padded down the hallway and slipped on a pair of shoes. He grabbed his black trench coat, slung it on and snuck out the front door. No noise came from inside his house so he knew he was safe to leave.  
  
The cool night air greeted him as he started off down his street. He wasn't sure exactly where he was heading but his senses were instantly calmed by the ever growing familiarity of his home town. The smell of the air, the silence that fell over it in the suburbs, and the soft rustling of the wind and animals in the bushes. All of it calming to his senses and giving him the clear head he needed.  
  
He was still clutching his phone as he wandered through the streets and found the park where he'd last met with Dean. It was empty at this hour and dark save for a couple lamps that lined the path for those who walked at night. Though Cas had a feeling they weren't meant to be use at the early hours of the morning. They gave off an eerie light on the path and shadows danced in front of him as he walked.  
  
It was peaceful at this time of night, even if it was creepy.  
  
Cas pulled his coat closer around him as he gazed up at the black abyss of sky. The darkness more comforting than fearful the longer he spent in it. It was nice to feel like the world made sense for once. He didn't have to pretend he remembered things, he didn't have to force himself to try and remember the simplest details. The trees demanded nothing from him, he could just be. Walking down the pathway, a small smile on his cool lips.  
  
A bench came up on his left and he sat down, feeling the cool wood under his thighs. The lamps shining down on the spot where he rested. A snaking concrete path leading both ways into a darkness where the light could not quite reach.  
  
Cas knew he should be nervous about what might come out of there, but he found himself feeling far from fearful. He felt the most blissful now than he had in weeks, months, and if his memories were to be trusted even years. Why hadn't he come out here sooner? He could sort through his thoughts out here. No one to push into something he didn't want to. He could be alone and discover what he had so recently come to forget.  
  
People were pushing him to remember now. They'd given up on letting him sort through it all on his own. He wasn't figuring it all out fast enough for them apparently. Cas was on their schedule, doing what they wanted when really he didn't want to remember.  
  
Even if they were so eager for him to remember, they refused to actually give him the answers. How could they expect him to remember if they didn't help? This wasn't like the movies, he didn't get a giant flashback every time he touched an object. If someone were to explain the situation, Cas got the simplest of memories. Vague emotions he had about it, snippets of conversations that had been said about the topic.  
  
That was it.  
  
People were expecting way too much from him.  
  
As Cas pondered all this, he could feel frustration growing in his chest. Anger over what he'd lost, the way his family and "friends" were acting, the annoyance he felt each morning when he still didn't know exactly who he was. He was all alone in this. There was no one to help him.  
  
Cas felt like screaming. He wanted to yell at the sky and curse the Heavens or whoever ran the show down here for the injustice they'd done him. If old Cas had wanted out of this Hell so much, then why hadn't they just let him _die_?  
  
Why was he stuck here now, curling into a ball on a bench and feeling like a stranger in his own life? This wasn't living. Whatever this was, Cas wanted it to stop. He wanted his old life, no matter how fucked up it might have been! Anything would be better than this constant uncertainty about the world.  
  
"Hey man you okay?" A voice said above him.  
  
Cas's head shot up and he stared in confusion at the face that greeted him.  
  
"Sam?" He asked hesitantly... This was Sam wasn't it?  
  
The boy smiled and he took a seat next to Cas. He tilted his head as he gazed at Cas and said "Yeah, it's me. But what're you doing out here Cas? It's late and you never know what kind of weirdoes might be out here."  
  
"Like you?" Cas tried to joke, though the words came out weakly.  
  
Sam laughed all the same and nodded "Exactly, like me. The creeper everyone runs from." He paused, his laughter dying off in the silence "Seriously though, what're you doing here?"  
  
"I could ask you the same question."  
  
"Yeah, but I asked you first." Sam pointed out with a playful smile.  
  
Cas couldn't stop the chuckle that escaped his lips "I uh... I couldn't sleep. I needed some time, some space so I came out here. It's nice. Quiet and no one is around."  
  
Sam nodded "Yeah, I come out here a lot. Sneaking out of the house is easy now. I've done it a lot over the last few years." A blush came over his cheeks as he said "Most of the time to meet up with Gabriel."  
  
"Is that what you were up to tonight?"  
  
"No, I just wanted a walk." Sam explained. "Dean's been brooding lately and Charlie can barely get him out of the house. Mom and Dad aren't exactly complaining. They like having Dean where they can see him. But... But I've heard Dean talking about leaving again and I don't want to lose him. He just got back and now he wants to back to his new home?" Sam shook his head and pulled his knees to his chest "I don't want to lose my big brother again."  
  
Cas felt guilt well in his stomach and he looked down at his hands. "I'm sorry Sam. I know this must be difficult for you."  
  
"You could help." Sam whispered, his big brown eyes strained on Cas. "Talk to Dean. Tell him not to leave! Just... Even if you don't want to be with him. Just talk to him and convince him that he could have just as great a life here! He'll listen to you. You're all he ever talked, or I guess talks, about."  
  
Cas blushed and ran a hand through his tousled hair "It's not that simple Sam. He told me everything that happened. How am I supposed to process that? He pushed me toward suicide! Maybe not intentionally but that was the end result. It's strange being around him after that."  
  
Sam's lips shaped into a frown and he said "Didn't Dean tell you the whole story?"  
  
"Yes, of course he did."  
  
"Yeah? About how it was _my_ fault Dad found out in the first place? How Dean _fought_ to stay with you but Dad threatened to beat me and him, forcing Dean to choose? Did he tell you about how I was forced to watch him and keep him away from you? Dad was reading his text messages and phone calls on the bills. Being certain he was doing as he was told." Sam said in a rush of words. Confessing and pleading with Cas to understand what their family had once been like.  
  
Cas shook his head "All he said was that he cut off all contact with me because of family matters .That he was a jerk and that even though he knew about my mental health issues he couldn't bring himself to do anything about it."  
  
Sam rolled his eyes and gazed off at the path "My brother doesn't see things for how they are. Most of the time he sees everything as his fault. Millions of problems in the world and somehow they are all his fault." Sam shook his head and turned back to Cas "This wasn't his fault. He wanted to talk to you and it was killing him seeing you so lost. Hell, it hurt me! I didn't want that to happen. When I told my dad I thought he'd be thrilled Dean had someone in his life. Someone as great as you. But he wasn't... He was furious. He was furious I hadn't told him sooner..."  
  
The younger Winchester shuddered and he rested his chin on his knees "I only wanted to do what was best for Dean. And in the end I ruined his life, pulling you along for the ride."  
  
Cas was breathless as he listened to Sam talking. Dean had lied, or no not lied, but told a twisted version of the truth. A version that he believed was true. His green eyed man was not the thoughtless soul Cas had come to believe. His instincts were right. There was a reason Cas's mind kept telling him to call Dean. To go to him and fall at his feet. Beg for forgiveness and spend the rest of his time with the man.   
  
Dean was the only one who really knew him. Who really understood it all. And even if was a little boneheaded, Cas loved him.  
  
Deep down, he always had. He always _would_ love him.  
  
He put a hand on Sam's shoulder and said "Thank you Sam. Thank you for everything."  
  
Sam eyed him in confusion "What're you talking about?"  
  
"For telling me, the real truth." Cas explained animatedly "I... I feel like a weight has been lifted. I know... Well I don't know the whole truth or what my life was really like. But I guess... I know one constant that needs to be in my life. And that's Dean."  
  
"So you'll talk to him? You'll convince him to stay?" Sam asked excitedly.  
  
Cas nodded "Tomorrow. I'll come by tomorrow and talk to him."  
  
Sam reached over and hugged Castiel tightly "Thank you, thank you , thank you!" He exclaimed and Cas wrapped his arms in turn around the small boy.  
  
The two parted ways shortly after that with promises of seeing the other tomorrow. Things were going to go back to normal now. All would be well and Cas would never feel lonely again. This was the start of a new day, a day where he would finally be happy.  


***  


Cas woke on the couch to the sounds of his family rushing down the stairs. It was near eleven o'clock in the morning and the man felt like a train had run him over. It was normal now, getting as little sleep as he was lately.  
  
He rolled over and rubbed the sleep from his eyes.  
  
No one paid him any mind as they rushed around, preparing for their days. It was a Saturday morning and everyone had places to be. Cas would go over with Gabriel to the Winchesters soon. Gabriel always went to see Sam on Saturdays. The one day they both had off together.  
  
Cas could feel the excitement of the day weighing on his mind. Today he would go and tell Dean to stay. Show him that they could be together. That it would all work out. That he didn't need to leave. Cas wanted him to stay and if Cas asked, he had no doubt that Dean would do it.  
  
Every feeling inside of him pointed to that one truth.  
  
He walked into the kitchen and grabbed an apple from the metal wire basket that sat near the toaster. His family rushed around him like it was any other morning. They had no idea of the great event that was about to take place.  
  
"Gabriel," Cas said, calling attention to his older brother.  
  
The ginger haired man looked over and smiled "What can I do for you Cassie?"  
  
"Can I go with you to the Winchester's today?"  
  
His eyes widened in surprise but he nodded "Sure of course, finally gonna talk to Dean huh?"  
  
Cas nodded "I think I know what I want now."  
  
"I'm glad little brother." Gabriel said sincerely and patted his arm happily. "Let me just get dressed and then we can had out. Sound good?"  
  
He gave another nod and Gabriel rushed away to get ready.  
  
His family smiled at him but said nothing. They probably all saw this as progress and were harbouring hopes that he would get his full memory back soon. He hated to disappoint them, but who knew maybe this was progress. Maybe it was only the beginning of him getting his life back. Of feeling like he actually belonged in his own family.  
  
As he waited for Gabriel, he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. He turned away from his family, took it out and smiled at the caller ID.   
  
Sam.  
  
He answered the phone with an amiable "Hello Sam."  
  
"Cas! Cas you need to get over here right now! Please, please, please!" Sam's voice came urgently from the other line "He's gone! He's just gone! Even Charlie doesn't know what happened! All his things are gone and..." He trailed off, gasping for air and the sound of tears choking his voice.  
  
Cas's eyes widened in horror, this wasn't supposed to happen! This was supposed to be the day everything got better! What was Dean thinking? Why was he running?  
  
"Dean?" Cas asked, hoping Sam wouldn't debunked his thoughts.   
  
"Yes." Came the heartbreaking reply.  
  
Without another thought Cas was running for the door "I'll be right there."  
  
Not waiting for his brother, Cas threw the door open and sprinted down the street towards Dean's house. He didn't know the route by heart in his head, but as he ran he found he didn't need to. The route was wired into his whole body. His feet could carry him there. Cas didn't need to know.  
  
The house was in a panic when he arrived and he took the steps up to the front door two at a time. It opened before he even reached the top. Sam stood in the doorway with Charlie right behind him. Both of them had faces of panic, eyes wild with uncertainty.  
  
Sam stepped aside to let him in and said "He didn't say anything to us. Just left a note on his pillow saying he was going home. That he would see us all soon and he wished us well." Sam shook his head "He left Charlie because she had someone to stay for..."  
  
Cas's heart squeezed and he looked away guiltily. If he had only gotten here a few seconds earlier... Still there had to be a way to get him home. To show him he was wanted here, more than by just his family. Cas could show him that, of course he could. Hell, he may be the only one who had the ability to convince him of it!  
  
He had to do _something_!  
  
"Then let's go after him." Cas heard himself say "He told us exactly where he's going. We can just follow him. Bring him home."  
  
Charlie's eyes widened and she nodded "We just need a car."  
  
"No problem." Sam piped up, eyes excited "Gabriel has a car. We can use his. He can drive, or you can Charlie."  
  
"It's decided then?"  
  
The other two nodded and called their plans to his parents before they ran back out to Cas's house where the car sat in his driveway. Gabriel stood beside it with an eyebrow raise at his brother. When he saw the entourage behind him though, he straightened and focused on what was going on. When the events of the day had been recounted to him, he nodded and ushered them into his blue Corolla.  
They pulled onto the road and began the long drive down the highway.  
  
Dean may have a head start on them, but Cas knew he wouldn't get far before they found him. And if he did manage to get home, well they'd just meet up with him there. Cas wasn't going to lose Dean again. Not this time. Dean wasn't going to get away from him.  
  
They were going to be together. They were going to be happy. There would be no more running. No more escaping from their problems.  
  
Cas would make this time different, he was going to make the best of his life. He was going to show Dean how much he loved him.  
  
Cas was ready for love and he wasn't letting it slip through his fingers again.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Voila the last chapter! This took way longer than I hoped, and the fic itself is way longer than I originally thought it would be... So lucky you guys! I hope you've enjoyed it!! If you did, check out my other works? That would be the world to me! It might be awhile before I post another story, but I will eventually get to one. I might upload a twenty chapter one I have done... Let me know in the review if you want it. It's another Destiel one with Sabriel-Western AU.  
> Please comment what you think. Thank you all again for reading <3  
> *Disclaimer* I own nothing but the story line.

Dean reached home several hours later. He was exhausted and crashed onto his bed as soon as he walked in the door. The house was completely silent as he stared up at his bare ceiling. He felt a tightness in his chest but he knew he couldn't do anything about it.  
  
He had made his choice and now he had to live with it.  
  
It had been the hardest decision Dean had ever had to make. Leaving his home once more when his life was finally, for the most part, going to way he wanted. Leaving Cas, yet again, and leaving Charlie behind. He didn't want to interfere or ruin their lives anymore. This had been the only solution he could think of.  
  
Now he could get back to normal. Start up again at the garage and fix cars for a living. Make good money, live his life, maybe settle down some day with someone. Though every time he thought of finding the right person and starting a life with them the same blue eyed boy always popped into his mind. Dark eyeliner and blue hair dye in his bangs.  
  
The image just wouldn't leave him alone. His brain kept growling at him that he'd made the wrong choice. That he should have stayed, but Dean couldn't let it. He wanted to go back, but he knew he couldn't. That's what it all came down to, he couldn't go back.  
  
Groaning he turned over and closed his eyes. Maybe a little sleep would do him some good. When morning came he could go to work, he could focus on the cars and the familiarity of that. They always let him take his mind off the hard parts of life. The screw ups that he'd done throughout his whole life all went away as soon as he walked into the shop. It was the beauty of working somewhere when you had to focus wholeheartedly on the job.  
  
Yes, sleep sounded amazing right about now. With that he forced himself to drift off and curled his body into the covers. He let all the worries of the day go and drifted into the halfway point of consciousness and sleep.  
  
The place where instead the dreams could find him.  
  
As all his dreams had turned into, this one had Cas in it.  
  
This one was the night of Christmas. The night before everything went to shit. They were on the balcony again, dancing to the soft music that could be heard from the house. Foreheads once again pressed together gently.  
  
Dean could feel the love he had for the boy radiating through him. He wanted this moment to last forever, just like he had the time before. This had to be one of his happiest memories, one he always clung to in the worse moments. He didn't want to move, move away from the swaying of their bodies. Cas's soft skin against his in the cold air of December.  
  
Dean pulled back softly and titled Cas's face up to his. He could still remember the kiss. It wasn't their first, but it had felt like it. Pure and sweet. Lingering and full of passion. The kind of kiss Dean wished he could have shared with him all the time. This was who he loved, this was who he'd always love. No matter what else happened. Cas was his forever.  
  
 "I love you." Dean told the dream Cas, not caring that he knew it wasn't real.  
  
 The boy's face lit up, filling Dean's chest with a warmth he hadn't felt in years. "I love you too..."  
  
Dean kissed him again, missing the feeling of it on his lips. He wished he could have made things better. He wished this wasn't a dream, most of all he wished he'd been stronger than his father. He would never stop wishing that.  
  
The dream stayed pleasant and Dean cherished each moment of it. He stayed in Cas's arms. Safe and sound, the only place he'd ever really felt that way.  
  
He was rudely awoken when the sound of his alarm blared through the pleasant thought of his dream. Dean turned over where he lay and glared at the buzzing phone. Five more minutes wouldn't have been complained about. Dean just wanted to stay with Cas forever.  
  
_So why did you leave..._ He thought accusingly.  
  
_Because I had to._ Came the soft reply.  
  
Dean rolled out of bed, giving up on the life he'd finally left behind. Work would get his mind of all this, and he was so eager to get back to it. It had been too long since he'd had a car to occupy himself with. Thoughts of Cas already being pushed from his mind as he focused in on that.  
  
He brushed his teeth and ran his fingers through his hair, getting ready for the day ahead of him.  
  
Dean drove to the shop, taking in the town that had become so familiar to him. It didn't hold any bad memories. No painful bursts in his chest from places him and Cas had once been. This town was pure and clean of all the pain he'd had in life. All the pain he'd caused in life.  
  
There was no guilt here that made him cringe away from it. He felt safe here, and he was beginning to wonder why he'd even left in the first place. Why had he let Charlie pull him back into the past? The past only brought pain. There was nothing there for him anymore. Dean had to move on and forget about what was behind him.  
  
It was in the past for a reason.  
  
The shop welcomed in back enthusiastically. The smell of oil and metal, the sound of tools and loud talking. Yes, this was where he belonged. This was the life he'd built for himself, not the one that had been forced on him.  
  
He set to work right away, saying hello to co-workers and opening up his door for people to come in. He'd stayed longer than he'd meant to, and now there was a long list of people who wanted his services. Dean would be spending long nights here, for at least the next few weeks. He had to catch up on his work if he wanted to get paid.  
  
No one asked where he'd gone, only expressed how thankful they were he was back. It sounded like they'd been slammed while he was away. Without meaning to, Dean had chosen the worst time to go.  
  
Dean worked diligently that whole day, working on the car they'd directed over to him. He didn't know the customer, but that didn't matter. New customers were always welcomed. The garage could use the business it could get. There was a lot competition around town.  
  
Throughout the whole day Dean managed not to think about his hometown. Of Sam and his family. Of Charlie who he'd left behind. Of Cas... The job had done what he knew it would and when eight o'clock rolled around Dean didn't even notice. It wasn't until his boss came out and told him to go get some rest that he noticed the sun had gone down.  
  
With a sigh, Dean left the garage and headed into town for dinner. It was better than going home where he'd be alone with his thoughts. Maybe he'd see some familiar faces in town. People who could help keep his mind off what he really didn't want to think about.  
  
Driving through the busy streets, Dean pulled into the diner he frequented. They had the best burgers he'd ever tasted, so naturally he'd become a regular there pretty quickly. He wondered if they'd missed him while he'd taken his vacation.  
  
He got out of his car and headed in, smiling at those who greeted him. He sat in his usual booth, which somehow was always kept empty for him. Apparently even when he was on vacation. He didn't even have to order, twenty minutes after he'd sat down his normal meal was brought to him.  
  
Dean thanked the waitress and he began to eat. He didn't have a single thought in his mind, the familiarity of the burger taking all other  thoughts from his mind. He spaced out into his own space and didn't notice when someone slid into the booth across him. When he finally finished he wiped his hands and looked up to see Charlie sitting in the other seat.  
  
"What the fuck!" He exclaimed, jumping up. "Where the hell did you come from?" He asked, hand on his chest as he tried to calm down.  
  
Charlie smirked "A few minutes ago. I almost forgot the love affair you had with that burger."  
  
Dean glared at her and ruffled his hair in annoyance "You're hilarious." He did a quick survey of the room before looking back at her "What are you doing here? I thought you'd want to stay in Lawrence with Gilda."  
  
"I'll go back." Charlie replied with a shrug "But I came to find you, to stop you from doing whatever dumbass decision you'd decided on this time. " She stated after "Honestly what the hell were you thinking Dean? _Were_ you even thinking?!" She reached over then and smacked him upside the head.  
  
 Dean winced, ducking out of the way "What the hell Charlie?! What the hell are you even talking about?"  
  
Charlie rolled her eyes "As if you don't know." She gestured to the area around them "This! Running away! After everything I told you, everything that happened! You just decided to run?!  I don't understand how your brain works Dean Winchester, but I'm pretty you don't fucking use it! If you did, you would have seen how stupid this was and not left in the first place!"  
  
The man sighed and gazed down at his empty plate. He didn't want to admit it, but Charlie had a point. Running away had never done him any good before, so why was this time supposed to be any different? Dean had a problem, but he couldn't stop leaving. Wasn't that cause enough to know that Cas and him shouldn't be together? Cas would always be wondering when Dean was going to book it next. That was no way to live. Cas only deserved the best, especially now that he had a second chance.  
  
"Well?" Charlie demanded, waiting impatiently for a response.  
  
Dean looked at her "What do you want me to say? I'm sorry? I'm coming back? Cause I'm not, I shouldn't have gone in the first place! This whole mess is because you made me go! Why did you think anything good could have come out of that?"  
  
Charlie glared at him "You're an idiot Dean. The happiest I saw you was when you realized Cas was still alive. Now, now I don't know. You've lost that spark in your eye. If you only knew how much you left behind. Again! That's why I brought it to you."  
  
"Y-you what?" Dean asked fearfully. "Charlie what have you done?"  
  
"It wasn't my idea, but I definitely supported it." She explained, her eyes glancing out the window to where Dean saw Sam, Gabriel, and... And Cas. The blue eyed angel he'd always love.  
  
Dean looked back at Charlie in horror "What have you done? I'm only going to hurt him Charlie! How can you possibly think this is a good idea?"  
  
"Because Cas wanted to come find you!" Charlie replied firmly "Sam came to him freaking out because you'd left! After he'd convinced Cas to come and talk to you. And what do you do? You leave! Dean, we were all worried about you, so we came to find you. To show you how loved you are."  
  
Dean's eyes were wide and he glanced over at the two sitting by the car. He made eye contact with Cas, those blue eyes lighting up when he saw Dean, "Does... Does he forgive me?"  
  
"You'll have to ask him." Charlie replied.  
  
He took a deep breath and nodded "O-okay."   
  
Dean stood up but Charlie pushed him back down. "I'll bring them in, you sit here and look pretty." He blinked up at her and she smiled "There you go, that's not too hard is it?"  
  
Rolling his eyes he watched her walk out and go get the three. They headed toward the front door, Sam practically bouncing as he rushed over to his big brother. Dean stood to greet him as Sam barrelled into him, wrapping his long arms around him. Gabriel and Cas stood a little bit back, waiting for the two to finish.  
  
Sam fixed Dean's gaze with his and said "Don't ever do that again Dean! You scared me! I thought you'd left forever this time. You promised not to leave again! Not without saying goodbye at least!"  
  
Dean looked down in shame and squeezed his brother's shoulders comfortingly "I'm sorry Sammy, I won't do it again. I promise. I just... I didn't know what else to do. I didn't..." He paused and gathered his thoughts "I wasn't thinking. But I am now. And I swear, I'm not going anywhere again."  
  
Sam nodded, satisfied with the answer and stepped aside for the others to greet him.  
  
Gabriel stepped up next and wrapped his arms around Dean. The hug was tight as he whispered in the man's ear "You may be my best friend, but if you break my brother's heart again I swear to god I will end you."  
  
"Understood." Dean whispered back and hugged his friend tightly "Good to see you again Gabriel. I really did miss you."  
  
"I missed you too dumbass." Gabriel replied.  
  
Dean smiled and let go. Gabriel stepped back and then Cas stood in front of him. He had a soft smile on his lips, one that Dean hadn't seen in three years. He took a hesitant step forward and Cas followed suit. He reached for Dean's hand and he took it eagerly. Cas pulled Dean into a hug, pressing his face into the man's shoulder.  
  
Shock ran through Dean, but he pulled Cas close and the two stood there. Taking comfort in each other's embrace. Dean felt his chest squeeze and his throat close as tears threatened to overflow. He couldn't believe he had Cas. He couldn't believe Cas was really here, in his arms... Just like he'd always dreamed he would be again one day.  
  
Dean felt like he was dreaming.  
  
When he pulled back he gazed at Cas adoringly. Admiring every freckle that was on his face, the sleepiness in his eyes that didn't dim the blue at all. The hair that fell slightly into his face because he hadn't cut it since waking up. Every bit of him so perfect.  
  
The others walked to another booth, pushing them toward the one Dean had been sitting at before. Their intentions were clear, it was time for Cas and Dean to talk.  
  
They sat down at the booth, across from each other. Dean pushed his plate aside and gazed at Cas softly, still unable to believe that he was really here. The silence dragged on for a few minutes before Cas finally broke it.  
  
"Sam told me everything."  
  
"Charlie said.." Dean nodded.  
  
Cas frowned "But you didn't... Why didn't you tell me what really happened Dean? You had to have known how I would have reacted with your version."  
  
Dean sighed "I guess because... Because I knew I didn't deserve you. As much as letting you go hurt, I knew it's what had to happen."  
  
"You're wrong." Cas stated, reaching for Dean's hand "You were wrong to push me away, and if you still believe what you just said then you're still wrong."  
  
Dean laughed softly "Yeah, I've been getting that a lot lately. Seems I'm not right ever anymore."  
  
The other man smiled sympathetically and squeezed his hand "You can change that, we can... Well we could try again. I have a lot to learn and I think most of it lies with you." He paused before saying "You just have to promise me that you'll always tell me the truth now. No matter what it is, you will give it to me."  
  
Dean sighed "I promise."  
  
Cas nodded and leaned back in his seat "Good. We can start now then."  
  
 Dean eyed the man in amusement "What? You want me to buy you dinner now?"  
  
"You've already eaten, it's a little rude to leave your date hungry don't you think?" Cas teased lightly, his eyes flashing cheerfully.  
  
He rolled his eyes and motioned for the waitress to come over. He got Cas a menu and watched him happily as he chose what he wanted to eat. They'd never really gotten to have dates before the accident. It would be nice to have that now, be a normal couple for once.  
  
The other three watched them from across the diner. Eyes wide and glowing as the couple talked and ate. Catching up on times that Cas had forgotten, but Dean still had clear in his mind. The more Dean described them, the more realization came into Cas's eyes. Dean could almost see the information reaching his damaged brain and finding images to match the scenes. It was all up there, just out of reach for the poor man.  
  
"Wait," Cas said "So you took me to a Christmas party? You weren't ashamed of it?"  
  
 Dean smirked at the man "Why would I be ashamed?"  
  
Cas shrugged "It just... You said we were hiding. What changed?"  
  
That made Dean pause. What had changed? They'd been hanging out at Cas's house, on his bed. Dean had known he'd had the party, but he could only remember not wanting to go without him. He'd been tired of having to hide Cas from the world.  
  
He'd been sick of having to hide the boy he loved from his friends. Cas had been special and Dean wanted to show him off. He'd figured that had been the best way to do so. What he hadn't counted on was Sam seeing and running off to tell their dad.  
  
He looked up at Cas and said "I didn't want to hide anymore. I wanted to show who I really was. I didn't really care if my dad found out... Though looking back on it now, I probably should have."  
  
"If you could go back... Would you do it differently?" Cas asked him softly.  
  
"Yes, I wouldn't let my dad bully me." Dean replied immediately.  
  
Cas's face brightened as he said that. He leaned forward on the table, hand still clutching Dean's "Right answer." He kissed the man's knuckles, eyes shining brightly as the two stared at each other.   
  
Even now, Cas's eyes could take Dean's breath away. They always had, and he hoped they always would. They were the most amazing shade of blue Dean had ever seen. The lashes that framed them long and dark. Right then the whites of his eyes were red, probably from a lack of sleep, and there dark bags under his eyes.   
  
Still Dean found him beautiful. He would always find him beautiful.  
  
Cas grinned up at him and Dean got lost in the colour. He desperately wanted to kiss him, but he would wait. He would wait for the perfect moment when they'd be all alone and Dean could feel the man's lips on his once again.   
  
The day when they would once again be happy.  


***  


"What should we do today?" Dean asked, as he played with Cas's soft hair. The dark strands slipping through his fingers smoothly. He nuzzled the soft hairs gently, kissing Cas's warm head tenderly.  
  
Cas giggled in front of him, leaning back against Dean "We should go to that spot you told me about. I want to see it."  
  
Dean frowned slightly, surprised Cas felt ready to go there "Are you sure?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Alright." The man nodded and sat up, pushing Cas gently with him. "Let's go angel." He said and took Cas's hand as they headed for the impala.  
  
It had been almost a month since Cas had come to find him. They'd decided to stay here instead of going back to Lawrence with the other three. Cas had told his brother that he needed a change, and Dean could help him find the memories he'd forgotten.  
  
Gabriel hadn't been very impressed but he hadn't objected to the idea. He probably wanted his little brother out of the town that had killed him too. He'd made a point of threatening Dean though. Amusingly really.  
  
They hadn't seen them since that day, but kept constant emails and short Skype conversations going. Dean felt the whole situation was relaxed and way nicer than what he'd been dealing with before. For once he didn't dread thinking about his hometown. Now it held his family, his best friends, and good memories.   
  
The place that had brought Castiel back to him.  
  
Cas was living with him now. He'd moved into Dean's room, leaving the other one open for Charlie if she ever decided to come back. He didn't know if she would, but Dean liked to think that one day she would. Maybe she'd bring Gilda too. He could dream at least. Until then, he was more than satisfied with the living arrangements.  
  
Every night he got to cuddle Cas. It didn't get much better than that.  
  
They got into the impala and Dean turned the radio up loudly. Cas rolled his eyes but Dean only laughed, he knew Cas loved his music. He just pretended not to, on principle he supposed.   
  
Dean drove up the park path that led to a small lookout area that gave a perfect view of the town. He used to come up here often, alone. Just look out over the town and think. Think of the past, of whatever had been bothering him that day, of Cas. Anything that he wanted to torture himself with.  
  
Now though, it was time to set a new memory to this spot.  
  
He'd often told Cas about it, explaining how hard it had been when he left. How the spot had given him a place to be by himself. After that Cas had decided that one day he wanted to see it.  
  
Today was that day.  
  
He pulled to a stop and focused out of the corner of his eye at Cas's reaction. He had a faraway look on his face as he observed the place his boyfriend had spent so much of his time. He almost looked... Sad. No, not sad, understanding.  
  
Like he'd gone through a similar state of mind before they'd gotten back together. Before everything went back to the way it should be.  
  
Cas looked over at Dean with a grin and leaned towards him. Dean met him halfway and pressed his lips to Cas's longingly. He brushed a hand along the man's side as Cas deepened the kiss. He parted the man's lips and ran his tongue lightly along Dean's teeth.  
  
Dean felt his heart jump happily and gripped at Cas desperately, wanting to feel every inch of him. He pulled Cas closer, wrapping his arms around him.  
  
"Let's move to the back." Cas whispered, mischief in his eyes.  
  
The man's heart skipped a beat as he nodded and followed Cas to the back. He lay down on his back as Cas straddled his hips, running his hands lightly along Dean's chest. He bent down and kissed Dean softly, each little kiss setting Dean's heart at a faster pace.  
  
It didn't matter how many times Cas kissed him, Dean's heart would always leap. Cas excited him and every time Dean looked at him he felt the same glow of love. The same one that Dean had felt for years. It would never disappear, and secretly Dean hoped it never did.  
  
Dean let out a soft moan as Cas's soft lips moved from his lips down his neck, his hips rotating against him. Cas's warm fingers reached down and tugged off Dean's shirt, letting it drop down beside them. Dean grinned down at him as Cas kissed down along his bare chest.  
  
He put his head back, enjoying the soft feeling of heated kisses against him and the loud lull of rock music. The song that had been playing slowly coming to an end.   
  
The one that came on next made both their heads snap up.  
  
Ready for Love by Bad Company flowed through the speakers, making the two blush and grin at each other. Their song. The one that had been playing the first time they kissed. Before the accident.  
  
Cas gazed lovingly at Dean and sang along to the music as he kissed the man's chest. He kissed back up to Dean's lips, holding his shoulders tightly. "I love you Dean." He whispered in between kisses.  
  
Dean smiled and ran his hands along Cas's body "I love you too Cas. Always have, always will."  
  
"Good." Cas whispered and resumed his kissing, find every bare part of Dean's skin that he could.  
  
The man sighed happily and listened to the song, humming along as he boyfriend kissed him. He could stay like this forever. This was the only life he wanted. This was where he belonged. With Cas, listening to the greatest music ever.


End file.
